Losing it

turning things around

2010-11-30T18:41:00.003-05:00

Alright... the last time I posted it was April....

It's now almost December and I'm getting sick of gaining weight and feeling so blah

I've stopped -
1. drinking all my water
2. exercising
3. caring about what i eat
4. avoiding fast food/take-out

That has lead me to weigh in at 270

I never EVER though I would be that heavy...

Sooooo....

it's time to go back to what works...

Being ACCOUNTABLE....
TRACKING food and water
EXERCISING
Keeping a JOURNAL of food/activities/emotions

I've lost weight before.. I know what works

Going to check out Golds Gym this week.... and get back to Weight Watchers

It's time to actually care about myself... I definitely haven't been doing that for the past 8 months...

If I keep on the current path I am on.. I WILL DIE. My BMI is 48... I weigh 270lbs and I'm only 5'3 ... I havent exercised in MONTHS... I get out of breath doing the easiest things... TIME TO CHANGE!

What is wrong with me?!

2010-04-05T19:49:00.003-04:00

What happened to the girl who actually *cared* about what she ate and how much she moved.

I'm at an all-time high of 260.

I just kind of gave up.... I've been eating crap and have had no second thoughts about it.

I know that if I keep it up I will be at 300 soon.

Looking back at my stats when I actually cared... last weigh in was 4/20 and I was 222.

Almost a year later... and 38lbs later... and I'm so miserable.

I know how to eat right... I know that working out is important.

I just can't get my mind wrapped around it all again. All I think is that 'what's the point.. I'm just going to gain it all back again'... it's this endless cycle and I don't know how to break it.

I got suckered into a fad diet... suddenly slim... it's pills and shakes and no carbs. That lasted a day and a half. I don't know why I even bothered. I know deep down that there is no quick/easy fix. Losing weight is hard and it takes consistent effort.

I know there are people out there that have gone through phases like this... and also people that are successful in what they do to lose weight.

What I need right now is inspiration.... so tell me.... how are you doing this 'healthy life' thing and what do you do to bounce back?!

I'm going to go read through my old posts and see if that helps.

yikes!

2010-01-26T18:25:00.003-05:00

and this is why it's good to track your food!!

after inputting all of it.. (plus the ice cream binge i just had)

almost 3000 calories!!! WHAAT!

right... so...re-thinking meal plans now.... holy crap

didn't get all my water in... but i did get a 30 min. walk in... better than nothing.

aye aye aye!! tracking food is always a good way to snap you out of weight gain avoidance syndrome... seriously!

back that carrot truck up...

2010-01-25T20:08:00.001-05:00

yeah.. so much for thinking I was going in the right direction....

back to 253.6

Now... I only have myself to blame...

I did not care at all about what I ate and only got in a few walks.

I know I can do better.

I tracked my food tonight ... even the reeses pb cups (all 4)... and was shocked back into remembering why it's so important to track your food.

So.. Goals for the week!

1. Log your food every day no matter what.

2. Drink your water... no less than 6 cups...

3. get to the gym at least 3 times.

4. be more aware of portion sizes

I WILL GET BACK ON TRACK!

little by little..

2010-01-12T21:34:00.004-05:00

One step at a time, right?

Have made it to the gym 2 days in a row!! Did 30 minutes on Monday and then 45 today. Going to do another 45 tomorrow and then 60 on Th/Fri and then hopefully I will be able to keep up with the hour walk like I used to do. My body isn't moving fast yet. 2.8mph feels really fast (thanks short legs!)

I'm doing ok with eating... I could do better with my post gym snack. I stick with the same foods for breakfast and lunch.. so that's easy.

Weigh in on monday was down to 249... OUT OF THE 250's!!!!!!!! and -3lbs.

Just gonna keep on keepin' on!

need to laugh?

2010-01-06T22:12:00.001-05:00

things I did right today...

2010-01-06T21:54:00.002-05:00

Ignoring all desires to wallow in my current state of being....

Things I did GOOD today:

1. Ate a healthy breakfast and lunch and had 2 healthy snacks. I love clementine oranges!

2. Drank one whole nalgene bottle (32oz)

3. got some laughs in while watching Ellen. Richard Simmons was on and he is one crazy dude!

Tomorrow I have plans to go check out Gold's Gym (although I hear its mad expensive) and their 12 week challenge. I will work on getting 2 whole bottle of water in and eating well breakfast, lunch, snack, AND DINNER!

Week 1 WI

2010-01-05T21:25:00.006-05:00

I really want this person back... The one who climbs mountains, cared about what she ate, liked to exercise and was LOSING WEIGHT....

Week one.... 252lbs. Weighing in on Mondays mornings.

failing miserably at eating clean... but am not giving up. I'm in a really bad funk. A "what is it all about/why am I here/what is my purpose" kind of lethargic funk. I don't like it.

I even had the thought last night that 'whats the point of losing weight,... I'm just going to gain it all back plus some'

It's really sad.

I'm thinking I might be dealing with some nasty depression and am tempted to go to the DR's about it. But I also think that If I just start working out again, the exercise endorphins will kick in and I'll remember what happy is. I just can't get myself to do it!

I need to stop thinking about it from the negative side... that I've gained 30+ pounds back and am at my highest weight ever. I've lost weight before, and I've felt GOOD about myself before.. I know this feeling of being defeated and lost will go away but I need to put in some effort for that to happen!

on a side note... I'm watching Biggest Loser right now and I am not liking it. I feel like its very type cast.. same stories... I don't know.. not feelin it!

finding motivation

2010-01-03T18:38:00.002-05:00

I'm having a real hard time getting back into the weighloss game. I don't if it's because I'm scared or just really don't care anymore (which should scare me in itself!). I'm re-reading through the Eat Clean book, I went and bought veggies, fruits and other groceries to get me back on healthy eating. I made my lunch for tomorrow, planned my day food wise.

I just can't get excited about it! It's annoying. I think part of it might be my living situation. I moved to a new apartment right before winter break and never had a chance to unpack everything so I feel very dis-organized and out of sorts. My plan this week is to check out Golds Gym, see what its all about, and then get everything unpacked this week. Ill start the gym this coming weekend only if I have unpacked everything and got my apartment in order. I've got the food part going for me and I know what I need to do... I just need to get excited about it!

weight in review

2009-12-29T15:15:00.004-05:00

Looking back at my old posts I see that I CAN lose weight. I've noticed patterns (emotional eating anyone?!) and have a clearer idea of what I need to do to get back on track.

What amazes me the most is how I let myself go when I am in chaotic or un-structured situations. I've realized I need to be in control of situations. I don't think of myself as a 'control freak', but when I'm not in control I kind of just give up and in and that's when I stop caring and get lazy.

Case-in-point : transitions! I've moved (again) and have started a new job! I stayed with my friend K for 3 months until I had enough $ to get my own apartment. I did not eat well at ALL at her place. She isn't the healthiest eater, but I can't blame her. I could have bought healthier foods but I didn't and got in the 'well she eats like this, I guess i can too'.

I don't know why I feel I need to put myself in a bubble to be able to make my life work. Now that I have my own place I can stock it with healthy foods and control when and what I eat. I can join the gym and go after work.

Anyways.. looking back at my blog and weigh-in totals It shocks me to see that my lowest was 222 at the end of April. In may I started the process of packing up all my stuff into storage and in June I moved down to PA for the summer. I know I stopped eating well and exercising less come May. Too stressed and got out of sync with my schedule. I then did a mini-vacation with my sister in June and we ate at all our old childhood haunts and made bad food choices (and did a lot of DRIVING). Mid June to Mid August was summer camp. I thought I would be able to get back on track since we overhauled our food service at camp and went all organic/natural/local but I still managed to eat TOO much food. It was better for me.. but still I over-ate. I also got in a bad habit of having soda and candy when I had to work late in the office. I went for maybe 2 walks all summer. Granted, I walked a ton at camp, but I still gained weight for sure.

Mid August - mid september I was still in PA trying to find a teaching job. I was stressed and continued to make poor choices. I could have easily got up in the morning and gone out for a walk in the country-side, but I didn't. I finally found a job and moved to a friends house from Mid sept to early December. I've already mentioned that situation.

Here I am in Portland oregon visiting my sister and again, havent made good choices. It's been a lot of carbs, candy, and cola... not a good mix.

According to my sisters scale (255).. I have put on 33 pounds since May... 33lbs in 8 months!!!

My goal is to get to 199 by August 25th, my 30th Birthday. Thats a loss of 56lbs in 8 months.

If i can gain 30+ in 8 months... can I LOSE 50+ in 8 months?

Time will tell.

I getting more and more energized and inspired to get back on track.

I'll make another post soon about my 'goals'... more like rules to live by for life..

sorry for the really long post! If you are still reading... thanks!

Getting back on track...

2009-12-28T21:50:00.003-05:00

It sees like every year I set the same goal: LOSE WEIGHT. This past year was no different. I had my ups and downs. I finally found an eating plan that works .... as long as I stick to it. I lost weight and then gained it all back plus some. As I write this, I am at my highest weight EVER. According to my sisters cheap little scale.. I am at 255.. but I will check on my scale when I get back to NY on Jan 2nd.

I know that I can lose weight. I've done it before. When I think about why I got back up to this all-time high.. a few things come to mind like being at a summer camp and throwing my good food habits to the wind... being jobless and stressed for over a month after camp... finally finding a job, living with friends, and then moving.

I finally have my own place and can stock my pantry and fridge with GOOD food. However, I am out in Portland Oregon with my sister for winter break and we have not been eating healthy. I bought a box of clementines and havent had a single one yet.

I need to get excited about being healthy again. There was a time where I was happy to eat well and go to the gym! My body is so tired and achey it's not even funny. My legs feel like stuffed sausage and I currently have no visible neck if Im sitting down. My back and feet hurt worse than ever and just the thought of walking on a treadmill for even 20 minutes makes me shudder.

I'm going to keep gaining weight and feeling worse if I keep it up. I know I need to turn things around and I know I will.

I would really like to be under 200 by my 30th birthday on August 25th. I think that is a reasonable goal. I also want to do a walk/run 5k this spring and then one in the fall so I keep myself on track at camp in the summer. Then in january 2011, T and I have talked about doing the disney marathon. So I def. have long term goals.

this all seems so daunting and I cant believe I got back up to this weight. I have only myself to blame. It's my choice to eat poor and not move. I can get back into it. I have to. If I don't, it's just going to get worse.

I'm going to read through my old posts and get re-inspired. My goal is to write daily again. If you have stuck around from last spring when I was really blogging a lot, thank you. I look forward to getting back on track and getting inspired by you all!

2010 is the year I finally do this... and I mean it this time!!!

Hey oh!

2009-10-03T08:46:00.002-04:00

Still here! Going through a lot of transition now... new job.. new town...new everything... Lot's to update on and I will once I get a little more settled and have a moment to write!

Following Biggest Loser again... I can't say it enough.. but this show is so freakin' MOTIVATIONAL and INSPIRING. Love it!

I hope you all are doing well and had a great summer. I have a great feeling about the Fall and future.. Things are looking up all around!

Still around!!

2009-08-19T17:40:00.002-04:00

Hey all!
Sorry for the radio silence this summer. Working at a summer camp really leaves you with no time for blogging! I was busy music directing two musicals ( 'Beauty and the Beast' and 'Peter Pan'), teaching voice lessons, violin lessons and doing a gazillion other things this summer!

We are camper-less now, which is nice, but we still have a lot of things to wrap up... cleaning and storing things for the winter... going through lost and found and just wrapping things up! I am here at camp until I get a teaching job. I was offered a job down in DC last week but it turned out to be a bit to urban, way long hours and not enough pay... plus I think they've gone behind my back and hired someone else since I said I couldn't say 'yes' yet... thats ok BECAUSE.... I just booked an interview for a job in Newburgh, NY. It hasn't even been posted yet but because I sent in my application for a different job in their district, and I have been bugging the crap out of the head of the music dept., I am now going through the screening process for the job of "Creative Academic Support" teacher.

In short.. it's what I've been doing here at camp for the past 5 summers... music directing for the musicals! Newburgh has a performing arts magnet elementary school and I think that's the school that this job is for. It's supposedly a full time, tenure track, elementary position. I would not be teaching general music classes or chorus.. just musicals and ( I'm hoping) some voice lessons.

I think it's funny how this all came about. I was very hesitant to accompany the musicals at camp this summer.. did fine with both but REALLY had a blast doing 'Peter Pan'. The owner of camp can't stop complimenting me on how well I am playing now. And the kids sounded great too.. so I know I am doing something right. I had originally applied for a job in the elementary school at Newburgh as a general music/strings teacher, but after some restructuring of teachers.. this Support position is now open.. and not posted yet. I had a great phone chat with the director and I'm really looking forward to my interview. It's next tuesday, 8/25 (my 29th birthday! Gah!!) at 2pm. Positive thoughts/prayers please!

Eating/exercising was rough this summer.. but that's another post. Once my life settles in a few weeks, I will be getting back on that wagon and lose this weight for GOOD! I hope you all are having a great summer!

Mel

still here

2009-06-07T21:53:00.003-04:00

I'm still around.. just in a little transition.. and now on vacay with my twin! We are road tripping for a few days and eating has been pretty bad.. pizza, chinese food, chips, soda... but.. once she heads back to Oregon next wed, I will get myself back on track AND back to working out. I have found the least hill-y road to start my 5K training on and am looking forward to that! Our organic chef comes next weekend.. and it will be nice to have some good, home cooked, organic/natural food options. I would really love to drop 20lbs by my friend Melissa's wedding AUgust 8th. It may be a stretch but at least I've got something in mind for a goal.

I have her wedding shower to go to next weekend.. so food will be a little poor until probably Mid-June.. I hope everyone is doing well!

200 posts ....

2009-05-21T12:01:00.002-04:00

And now I am back tracking...

*sigh*

up to 228 today...

Very annoyed and know it's because I am stressing about the move...

I ate 3 donuts yesterday... THREE!

When will it click that it's not ok to eat crap...

I had come so far.. down to 215 a little over a month ago.. what the hell!

Am getting my water in and tracking on spark... will go for a walk tonight...
Off to DC this weekend.. will try to not go food crazy...

ughhhh

2009-05-17T22:14:00.002-04:00

needless to say... the weekend was NOT healthy...

a whole pint of ben and jerrys
pizza
loaded waffle fries
lots of m&ms

at least the week is here and I can get back on a schedule...

epics fails on the weekends!!!

BUT!

Got my new shoes today... going to break them in tomorrow!
sports bra and clip on mp3 player on the way!!
downloaded the first 4 weeks of the 5K podrunner!

This IS going to happen.. these next 2 weeks are just going to be rough and I will just do the best I can!

an ok day

2009-05-15T21:41:00.002-04:00

The Good:
* 64 oz of water in!
* Took a walk (with a huge hill in the middle.. gah!)

Needs Improvement:
* My eating in Resturants... Out with co-workers again.. not the best choice at lunch (pasta and a small chicken parm)

It was nice to walk outside today.. the sun was out.. lilacs were blooming so it smelled great! Tomorrow I am moving more stuff to storage, so I will get a mini workout in. Spending the weekend with a friend and not sure what my food options will be but will make the best of it!

Have a great weekend!

being honest

2009-05-14T20:56:00.002-04:00

Today was NOT a good day... but I will be accountable for what I ate.. and use this as a reminder to not eat this way!!

Breakfast..

2 cups of coffee w/cream and sugar
banana

Lunch
I saw a great salad on the menu but because everyone else was doing burgers.. I went for one too... a burger with cheddar cheese and bacon... and the biggest pile of seasoned fries I have ever seen (and ate!)...

Dinner...
bar after the work seminars... had a double G&T and maybe 5 wings
stopped at the ice cream store for a "Oh my goodness" ice cream sundae... a warmed chocolate cupcake with 2 scoops of cookies and cream ice cream, peanut butter sauce, whip cream and a cherry...

I feel so freaking CRAPPY now.. plus I am PMS'ing.. and I did not go to the gym...

I would like to break out of this crap fest habit... where I eat one "bad" food choice and I just spiral out of control the rest of the day.

I am really looking forward to being at camp this summer as we have re-vamped our kitchens and are going all organic, natural, and sustainable... I will use this as 2 1/2 month detox of crap food and will focus on HEALTHY food... BUT (!!!!) this does not give me liscense to eat crap up until June 1st... I do feel disgusting today and just plain crappy... greasy burgers and fries will do that huh?

I'd like to also get to the gym tomorrow... I haven't been to a body pump class since last week... This week has just been so freaking crazy!

So tomorrow: eat sensible and go to the gym.... you can do that... you've done it before!

back in the saddle again

2009-05-13T20:55:00.002-04:00

Things I did GOOD today:
1. drank 64oz of water
2. ate a healthy lunch - salad w/chicken and red onion, an apple and walnuts
3. did a 30 minute walk, with 4 minutes of 1-minute jogs

Things I can do BETTER:
1. watch over-eating at dinner just because I worked out...
2. get another 32 oz of water in
3. push for 45 minute walk/jog tomorrow

Keeping it positive!

I bought a good, supportive, sports bra today... and also a clip on mp3 player to load the coach to 5k program on to... Went to the running store today to look at shoes.. will continue search at DSW/Foot Locker in Syracuse this weekend. Will also find a new pair of workout pants as the ones I am wearing now are falling apart!

If anyone knows of any 5k runs in the fall in the NYC area.. please let me know! My BFF T and I are going to rock a 5k this fall and are preparing for it this summer!!! Actually pretty excited about it!

motivational quote...

2009-05-12T21:42:00.002-04:00

There is a way to reach the goal. You just have to decide you’re going to do it.
There are challenges, to be sure. Yet you’ve overcome challenges before and you can do it again.Decide to do it, and make the commitment. Take the necessary actions, over and over again.
If you realize your approach isn’t working, adjust it and improve it until you begin to make some progress. Then be grateful for what you’ve learned, and use it to move more quickly ahead.
Be sure to choose a goal that is truly yours. Making the goal meaningful is what makes it reachable.Creating anything of value takes a lot of good, hard, solid work.
Enjoy the journey and delight in reaching the destination.

— Ralph Marston

note to self

2009-05-12T21:36:00.002-04:00

If they can run a full marathon on Biggest Loser... if RON can complete it w/injuries and just walking... then I can freaking lose to effin' pounds a week.. SERIOUSLY!!!

and yes.. I am a week behind on BL.. please don't tell me the results!

This is my re-commit to myself, my health, my SANITY, my fight with losing all this weight for once and for all..

My BFF T has agreed to do a 5k with me in the fall so we both have something to work towards..

There is no reason in the world why I can't lose this weight and get healthy.. NONE.
I have lost weight before
I have gained muscle before
I have even jogged for 5+ minutes before
and
anything is possible if you put your mind to it

So...

Here we go!!

why do we do it?!

2009-05-10T21:48:00.002-04:00

Why do we consciously eat crappy food when we know its not good for us and will not help with our goals in the long run?

Seriously! I would like to hear your take on self sabotage!

This weekend contained the following:
Friday Night - Mexican and a 'i hate my ex' pint of ben and jerrys...

Saturday - I moved a TON of stuff to storage so I felt I deserved a subway sub w/chips and soad.. oh and apparently its free cookie day on saturday.. so I got a cookie.

dinner was chinese buffet and then a chocolate triffle...

Sunday - at a sensible breakfast of cereal... then moved more stuff to storage...and had french bread pizza for dinner.. plus a single serve bag of chips.. then some popcorn (was watching a movie).. and then more ice cream (I had finished the pint.. so I actually bought more tonight... just a single serve at least..)

I honestly don't get it... If I had to break it down to non-food reasons I would say stress and uncertainty. I don't have a job lined up for after the summer yet.. and I don't know where I am going.

I say I want to lose weight but I am obviously pretending since I can't seem to actually committ to it instead of just 'being interested in it'.

at one point this past week, the scale was down to 221ish... I don't expect anything great tomorrow morning but hey.. It's all my fault.. I'm the one that ate like the world was going to end!

Tomorrow ... back to eating well. Smoothies for breakfast, salads for lunch, and a sensible dinner. It's easier during the week because I have a schedule... and then all hell breaks lose on the weekend.

I hope one day I learn....

Hope you all had a good weekend!

Back on track

2009-05-03T10:48:00.002-04:00

These past 3 weeks have been rough. I haven't been eating well.. have made poor food choices...ate out WAY too much...

I did do better with exercise.. pushed myself in my body pump class and even climbed a mountain...

But my weight has gone up... WAY up... It jumped up 6lbs after the mountain hike last weekend.. and has stayed there since.. part of me wishes it was just muscle.. but after the way I have been eating and the emotional states I have been in.. It's probably true gain..

Today's weigh in - 226.4

This makes me sad and angry when only a few weeks ago I was so excited to be below 220... and now I have to work it all back off again. It's daunting.. it's so hard to lose weight and then to gain some back.... ugh!

I have to realize that this is a life long journey.. I'm going to have to watch what I eat and really put in some effort to be healthy and lose weight. I can't just sit back and hope for the best. I need to really work at this...

I have a month until I move down to PA for the summer... so I am giving myself a 30day (really 28 day) challenge to stick to the following goals.

1. Track food/water in sparkpeople
2. prepare foods ahead of time so I'm not stuck eating out/making poor choices
3. Body pump 2x/week, walk-jog 3x/week (at minimum)
4. focus on clean foods.. no more chips, soda, pre packaged food, candy... it's really not worth it.. and no more 'cheat' days/meals.. you really need to just stick to plan every day and not blow it on the weekends... it's not getting you anywhere..
5. watch the stress.. job hunting and moving is tough.. but it will all work out.

Climbing Mountains...

2009-04-27T09:18:00.008-04:00

Wen't for a hike which turned into a mountain climb on Saturday! I was very proud of myself. I kept pushing myself to keep going once we got to the climbing part. It was a very strenuous hike.. but I managed to jog down parts of the hill on the way back.. it felt good to run and be active. My hips, quads, calves and ass hurt today.. but it's worth it. I never would have gone on a hike like this on my own... but I had my girls with me and we all kicked ass on this hike!

My eating/drinking was a ton more controlled than last weekend. I still ate poor.. but we all decided that after our hike (which, btw, probably burned 1800 calories.. it was a 3 hour climb!) we could probably afford to eat what we wanted Saturday night.. SO I opted for the chicken parm sub (chicken parm is my weakness, fo sho). I only had one drink that night... a way too strong (and crappy gin) gin and tonic...

I think I am retaining water.. and I know I did NOT drink enough this weekend to make up for the hike.. and my muscles are feeling it still.. stepped on the scale this morning and it was 228... a full 6lbs over what i was last monday.

I'm not going to stress on that because really, It probably is dehydration/muscle/water retention related.. and I climbed a mountain.. so I really can't be bothered by the scale when I had other ways to measure my progress... Like.. How I wasn't as tired/winded by the hike as I used to be.. so.. I'm not worrying. I'll just get a lot of water in today.. and get groceries tonight to keep myself on track this week.

Gorgeous day today.. supposed to be 90. 90?!!! In APRIL?! I'll take it.. but man my allergies are intense today.. tree's are starting to bloom!

I'm done....

2009-04-22T21:14:00.004-04:00

...with being so freakin FAT and UNHAPPY!!!

I just got done watching the biggest loser (from 2 weeks ago.. let's not forget I do not have cable and am behind by a week.. but grateful for Hulu.com!!)

that show ALWAYS get's me re-motivated. If there was one season I would want to buy on DVD to re-watch for motivation.. it would TOTALLY be this one.. and I think almost everyone has had some really great moments. I especially love Kristin and how well spoken she is...and both trainers have had some really great quotes. It's a nice departure from the previous seasons bitch fest with Viki and Heba.. I actually feel motivated by this current season.. and that's nice.

Anyways.. So I was looking through my photo albums on Face Book and it just really hit home for some reason that I am freaking FAT in all my pictures. Sure, there are some pictures that I can be proud of.. where I look half way descent.. but really... the majority I just look really fat and 'fake happy'... ya know.. the smiles there but its not real because deep down inside you are so miserable with your life and circumstances.

I'm so over being Fat... and ya know what .. screw the fat acceptance crap.. If I could love myself for who I am right now... I would.. but I can't... I can't look at a picture of my fat-ness and not be sad and angry.. How have I let myself live for the past 20+ years like this... HOW?!! I am not settling for this life... I REFUSE to let myself live another 20 years.. hell.. another 20 MONTHS like this... I am miserable and I can see it my face in these pictures and feel it in my heart and soul NOW.

enough is enough

No more 'trying' to lose weight and be healthy...

You don't see people on BL half-assing it... They are working hard and crossing lines every day to get where they are. And I know that the weight loss aspect of BL is unrealistic... but the hard work and determination isn't... So I am going to FIGHT for this...

I'm going to FIGHT to...
be HAPPY
be HEALTHY
be STRONG
be CONFIDENT
be SEXY
be the ME I KNOW I AM

There is no time limit for this because this is a LIFE CHANGE.. I want to transform into a new person.. and new, better me... and If that takes a year or two.. then it does.... but I'm not going to settle for 1 -2 lbs a month... I KNOW my body can do better than that. And I'm not going to give in to crap food and drink and pretend its OK to do that to my body. That's how I got where I am.. by just giving in to poor choices and habits and Hoping that the next day I will do better..

well.. It's my choice.. and I chose to FIGHT..

BIG Note to Self....

2009-04-20T13:54:00.004-04:00

OK.. you knew EXACTLY what you were doing.

since the last weigh in on 4/12 .. you have gone UP 4.5lbs... 4.5!!!!!!!!

You seriously lost it and gave in just because friends were visiting... lots of Margaritas.. TOO much food.. and then.. once they left.. you KEPT eating like crap!! You bough pizza, OREOS, and chips... and managed to finish off the chips and oreos all by yourself over the weekend. Not to mention the non-diet soda you drank.. and the lack of Exercise. You even gave up keeping track on spark people..

So is this what's going to happen when you are with other people.. you are just going to throw caution to the wind... is the food/drink really going to make the situation that much more fun?

Food and drink does not "make" a situation.. think about how crappy you felt... how tired and pathetic... how the sugar from the oreos made you feel sick.. how your digestive system went off..

This is not good for you. It is YOUR choice to eat the way you eat.. if you do this again this coming weekend you WILL be up in the upper 220's.... and remember how hard it was for you to get below 220? And how happy you were to finally be getting closer to the 210 mark.. and now you have to work that all off again.. and for what? For oreos and chips?

It's time to cut that crappy food out of your life.. it does NOTHING for you... stick to clean foods... if you are going to drink... stick to 1 glass of wine ... you don't need to have 3 margaritas per meal.. seriously..

GOALS for the WEEK
1. you have salad fixings for the lunches... and even though your boss is taking you out for lunch wed - you will still get a salad.. Meals are planned for the week - it's ok if its repetative.. at least you know you are staying with in your calorie range

2. You Will go to the gym M- TH.. Cardio M/W - a nice hour walk with inclines and Body Pump class T/TH.

3. Even though you will be w/ friends this weekend you will not lose control.. You have worked too hard to let the scale keep creeping up.. you already have 4.5lbs to get back off.. you don't need to add to it. Be happy that you are with your friends.. this does not require eating like crap!!

pre-meditated binge eating...

2009-04-16T11:47:00.003-04:00

Do you ever do this...

You know you have a dinner or event comming up so you just give in a eat like crap before it even happens becuase, hey... you're gonna eat more crap latter anyways.. so what the hey!

I have friends coming up tonight until Sat. It's already been planned that there will be at least one, if not two, trips to the mexican restaurant... and margaritas are not optional.

I already have it in mind that that I will have a margarita.. chips and guacamole..

how crazy is it to plan your binge.. wtf?!!!

I'm also draggin' ass today.. damn period.. I am just exhausted today.. and making poor POOR choices because of it..

Didn't get up in time to make my lunch... so I have to buy today... then I was out buying femine products and ended up buying some reses pb cups because I had been thinking about them all week.. and buying chocolate was ok because I knew that I was going to go out and eat tonight..so.. might as well go all out today..

I don't know where I am going with this post...
I just hope I don't do too much damage.. these next few weeks are kind of nuts... going away next weekend to see some college friends.. really hope that doesn't turn into a binge fest of crap food and drink.. then the weekend after that is my dad's estate auction... and this week and next I have had to miss gym times because I'm selling a bunch of my stuff on craigslist..so I have to wait around for people..

I'm feeling very out of sorts and not focused at all.. I'm totally praying for a maintain for this sundays WI but would not be surprised by a gain...

probably wont be posting until Sun... so.. I hope you all have a good rest of your week and a great weekend!

Sunday Weigh In

2009-04-12T12:50:00.002-04:00

Last week: 218.5
This week: 217.5

DOWN 1 lbs

Dude... I'll that that! I did really well from Wed. til last night... stayed within my calorie range and worked my butt off.. Doing this weight class has really inspired me to push my self during my cardio.. so I am hoping to up that some this coming week as well.

Taking it easy today as it is easter sunday.. and my day off.. so have a great day everyone!

the weight is lifted... in more than one way...

2009-04-10T21:00:00.002-04:00

I've been working on my taxes for the past 2 days. I usually do not wait this long but I was under the impression that I would be owing Fed and NYS taxes. After talking to a collegue at work who used to do tax prep, I find that the IRA disburtment I made did not have to be taxed in full.. only the amount that I gained was to be taxed (the the amount I contributed).. SO.. I'm ok.. I do not owe any money to the Fed or State.. and I get back $800+...so that just lifted a HUGE weight of my shoulders and I notice it already.. I'm happy and not as stressed about the future and now have some money to set aside for travel this spring and summer.

in other weight news...

Body pump class today... I really pushed myself.. didn't give in or make excuses. I feel it already.. but I am so SO proud of myself!! I had a Gillian/Biggest Loser moment... It was the 3 round of the bicep set and I was about to cry it was getting so hard.. but I pushed myself through and man.. The power/energy I feel after that class is amazing.. I love the instructor on Friday eve.. she say's all the right things and has a great attitude. The tuesday class is ok - I don't feel as motivated to push myself tho.. but I will still go... want to get at least 2 classes in a week.

Crazy crazy few weeks coming up.. need to get things sorted and sell things I don't need.. pack pack pack..

I'm hoping for at least a maintain on the scale... but even that isn't really mattering any more.. I feel great and I think I see some changes in my body shape.. so as long as I keep feeling good and watching what I eat and how much I move.. I can do no wrong..

Thanks for all the support and comments!

note to self..

2009-04-09T19:16:00.002-04:00

That hour long walk felt great..and you burned 375 calories and worked up a good sweat.. something to be PROUD of... now let's keep that up and turn things around...Body Pump class tomorrow.. sensible eating over the weekend please..

also.. stop worrying about getting below 200 by a certain date.. when it happens, it happens.. just focus on making good food choices and moving more ONE DAY AT A TIME

Everything is going to work out in the end.. you will get through this stressy, upheaval of life time... promise... you've gone through TONS worse.. this is do-able.

Making Excuses...

2009-04-07T20:04:00.003-04:00

SPARKPEOPLE'S Translation...

Are you interested in your goals, or are you fully committed? One of the most common complaints among goal setters nowadays is that there’s just not enough time to get to the ones that “really matter.” The real culprit is that most people don’t raise their goals beyond the level of general interest. They’re waiting for a vague time in the future when other things won’t get in the way or when they wrap things up. In other words, when it’s more convenient. And of course, that time never comes, does it? If your goals are truly that important to you, don’t let anything stand in your way. You have the power to say ‘no’ and to set your priorities. Make that commitment and you automatically create an obligation that you’re bound to fulfill.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I really needed that quote to show up on sparkpeople today... I was thinking last night how easy it would be to let these past 12 weeks of work just slip away and in a week or two be back to square one.. I've been all excuses this week... Monday it was rainy.. RAINY!!!.. I didn't go to the gym because of RAIN... then today we had an open house at work.. until 7:30... and I ended up eating a bunch of crap finger foods (meatballs..artichoke dip..) plus 2 (yes.. 2) chocolate pudding type things (which, granted, were worth it as it was PURE chocolate.. not jello puddin!)..

I wonder what it takes to get to the point where you are "that" person..

The person who is so committed to eating well and working out and that's NORMAL.. where there are no excuses.. no reasons to skip the gym.. where you are so dedicated to yourself that nothing will get in your way...

I half ass so many things in my life.. singing.. losing weight.. keeping up with friends... And why? I mean.. I know I've been passive the past few years.. and I have every reason to be so give my circumstances.. but really.. that's just one more excuse...

I'll never forget what one jerk-face guy I was with a few years ago said to me within the first few weeks of hanging out... "you are so full of excuses"... He saw right through me so quickly... I was of course pissed at him for saying so.. but I think I was more pissed that he called me out on it and at the time really didn't think I was an excuse person... but now realize I am... still think he's a jerk face though... but I digress...

The point it... There is no reason for me to be sitting back and making excuses about weight loss (or career, or LIFE)...

Do I want to lose weight ..... YES
Do I want to be healthy .... YES
Do I want to be strong and fit .... YES
Do I want to build my self esteem... YES
Do I want to be more energetic... YES

I want all these things and there no reason for me to not reach these goals... NOTHING... not rain.. not money.. not a crappy day at work... eating bad at one meal... being upset about x,y,z ...

Tomorrow I get myself back on track.. gym after work.. dinner.. practice...

Really... it's not that hard...

Sunday Weigh-In

2009-04-05T12:25:00.002-04:00

Well.. the scale was stagnant most of the week.. and while I could've ate better and exercised better this weekend.. I feel I put in a few good workouts during the week.. made it to 2 Body Pump classes .. had salads for lunch M-F, kept my calories between 1550-1750... so even though this weekend was lame (more like.. *I* was lame.. didn't do a single productive thing yesterday!! WTF Mate!).. I am happy to see the scale moving down and can officially say I will not be in the 220's ever again..

Last weeks weight: 219
This week: 218.5

lost: -.5

Today the SUN is out and I am going to be PRODUCTIVE
Have a great day everyone!

optimisim

2009-04-05T12:23:00.000-04:00

Spark People Translation:

Legend has it there’s a study out there that says 90% of what we worry about never comes to pass. Whether that study is real or not, it’s most likely that this statistic holds in your life. How much of our lives do we miss because we’re agonizing over what might happen down the road? How often do we fail to act – even if it’s the right thing to do – because we fear any number of possible consequences? Fretting over the future doesn’t solve any of those impending problems. It only paralyzes your actions of the present. It stresses you out, makes you mentally and physically tired, and saps all the fun out of what could have been another great day. Next time you start to worry about what might happen, think of this: You can prepare, but you cannot predict. So do what you can, and forget what you cannot.

if only it were this easy!

2009-04-03T12:20:00.002-04:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Pij33oHFyT0&feature=player_embedded

Lose weight with the Slim Suit!

brace yourselves.. it's ledgen....wait for it... and I hope you're not lactose intolerant because the next word is... dary!

note to self...

2009-04-02T14:36:00.003-04:00

I love everything about this quote... thanks for posting this KK at Running Through Life

Weigh in

2009-03-30T10:01:00.002-04:00

up 1lb to 219
Totally expected as I binged on stouffers french bread pizzas (2 boxes in one weekend)
and also thought that maybe I was retaing water because of my weight training class.. so I used that excusse to just keep eating crap... like the whole bag of chips I ate last night..

I did this to myself.. so i am the only one to blame.. I know what I should be eating and I have taken the steps to meet my goals this week

Breakfasts: oatmeal (packets, not clean, but oh well), fresh/frozen fruit (strawberries, banana, blue berries, soy milk.. might do smoothies but the protein powder I have is getting boring

lunch ... salads.. with chicken, olives, avacado, light asian sesame dressing ... grapes

snacks.. orange, almonds

dinner.. still have some turkey burgers, turkey chili...also have black beans.. may do tacos... all with big bowl of veggies...

I'm trying to be a little more strict with myself.. just for awhile.. If I have too many options then I get in trouble.. I need some guidelines in place.. but I also need to make myself be accountable.. no one else will do this for me...

What I have come to learn...

2009-03-30T09:37:00.002-04:00

I've been focusing on my eating/health/weight/movement since mid December 08.
I spent a lot of time doing nothing this week but also thinking about this journey I am on.
I need to get out of this downward spiral I have ALLOWED myself to go into..
I went off on myself and life a few posts ago.. and I was very very angry at myself and my situation in life. It really wasn't directed to my weight loss efforts.. but It really should've been as this weekend was rough weight/eating wise.

I sabotaged myself severely this weekend. I had had it in my mind to re-vamp my eating plan come Monday (today)... so all weekend I ate like crap.. I had pizza both saturday and sunday night.. and last night a whole bag of chips. I told myself a few different things about this eating I was doing:

1. You are going to re-committ to a clean(er) eating plan on Monday.. salads for lunch.. less processed foods.. no added sugar.. So.. eating this pizza is ok
2. You did a crazy body pump (strength training) class Friday night (and boy did my body HURT saturday and sunday.. I can still feel it in the front of my thighs).. so its OK if you go easy on yourself this weekend
3. You feel empty and lost..and you don't know what you want.. so here.. let's eat this whole bag of chips.. and have another pizza for dinner.. f&ck it all.. just stuff yourself..

It was excuse after excuse..
I'm tired of half-assing my life.. seriously
Not only did I sabotage my weight loss.. but I really did a number on my self-wroth and self-esteem.. which is pretty low anyways..

I don't get what Im so afraid of.. and I know it's fear. What is holding me back from really being ME 100%? I've had moments where I am honestly happy with myself and my life...so I know these feelings.. why is it so hard to access them now? As for being thin... I have never been.. so that's harder for me to know.

I think it's that I am afraid of letting go of this life I have known for the past 28 years.. of CHANGING and being who I really am.

I don't want to stay in this state of non-change, of being passive, of being depressed, of not caring about myself and in turn others, This isn't who I am and who I am meant to be.

So today I decide to stop wallowing in this black mess.. no more excusses.. no more lying to myself, or sabotaging my self ... It's not doing me any good and I will never reach one single goal of mine if I keep doing what I am doing now

so SNAP out of it Melissa...
WAKE UP
and LIVE your life

and stop making EXCUSES because you are AFRAID

You have a safety net in friends and family that are they to help if need be

As for your career.. yes.. it's scary not knowing where/if you will find a teaching job.. but you will find something.. and you will find a way to move and take care of things...

Everything is going to be ok...

seriously...

2009-03-28T21:24:00.003-04:00

what the hell is wrong with me today.. It was gorgeous out.. and I lazed around all day. I can't seem to keep myself in one mood.. I'm swinging back and forth between content and cranky almost every day... I'm not a fan of mood swings. I've also been clentching my teeth more then ever.. I know this is a sign of being angry about something.. I don't feel angry though.. I just feel annoyed and lost and everything but angry..

My body is so sore too... that body pump class was rough! 5 minutes of squats.. that's what I'm feelin today.. I feel like im 90 years old.. having to hold onto the sink to sit on the toilet.. clinging to the stair railing to get down the stairs.. what the hell!

What the hell to pretty much everything in my life...

I WANT TO GET OVER MYSELF AND MOVE FORWARD!!!

Figure my shit out.. where I want to live.. what I want to do.. and get on with my LIFE.
and f'in be PROACTIVE instead of passive... Every weekend I do this.. I waste time when there are TONS of things I could (AND SHOULD.. hello taxes?!) be doing.. and I just don't do it!

I know its that I find it easier to just do nothing.. to not be active in my life and surroundings... It's become a habit.. these past 5 years have just wiped me out and made me close up and be passive in my life... IM SICK OF IT

SNAP OUT OF IT MELISSA... you are 28... so you had your life crisis with the car accident/losing both parents at 22... You've wallowed in it for almost 6 years now... GET OVER YOURSELF and just MOVE ON ALREADY

I'm BEGGING YOU

I'm so TIRED of doing nothing.. achieving little... wasting away my 20's and dreaming of how things could be and of how I should be acting in my life story...

You know what you F*CKING NEED TO DO... so JUST DO IT!!!!

/end rant to self

this is very a la 'Eat Pray Love'... which I just finished (for the 2nd time) and want to read again already... I want a year long journey to find myself.....

Well.. I did it

2009-03-27T20:30:00.002-04:00

I finally went to a body pump class!

I feel like I got hit by a truck.. I kept the weights low.. and focuse on form more than anything. I did'nt even attempt to use any weights or the bar for squats.. my body weight was enough and I thought my legs were going to shatter into a million pieces... they also would not stop shaking/vibrating... the Leg set was BRUTAL.

I like how it's all choreographed.. I like repetition..and I also like that each muscle group is broken into 5 minute sets.. I even made myself do the push ups, planks, and side planks

I left exhausted, but VERY proud of myself. I was definitley the fattest girl there and I had to fight with my mind to shut up when I would do a lift with the bar and it would hit my stomache... I'm not going to be like that forever.

For more information... go here

note to self...

2009-03-26T21:58:00.003-04:00

You are not allowed to take a can of mixed nuts to bed with you...

not only do you get salt all over your comforter (and probably in the sheets... surprise for later..)

but You have NO control of the portion size..

just because you 'ran' tonight... does not mean you have permission to eat without thought... you certainly did not workout enough to make up for that mixed nut binge you just had...

well isn't that just special!

2009-03-26T19:46:00.003-04:00

I ran for 5 minutes straight today... and get this.. it was EASY

I was inspired by the biggest loser episode where they had to run a half marathon and just thought 'hey.. if they can run for hours at a time.. I can manage 5 minutes'... and so I did...

nothing else really going on..back to the gym and It's nice although I am annoyed that there are more people in the gym now. I was only gone for a week and it seems like everyone and their mother is now at the gym when I am.. I usually go around 5:30 and it's pretty dead...

I'm really tempted to try the Body Jam class on Sunday.. i was watching the instructor practicing today.. this tiny woman just bouncin around going through the routine before tonights class.. and It made me smile.. it's at 10:30 on Sunday.. I may have to make an effort... I am also going to check out a body pump class for REALS this time.. I know I've been talking about it for months.. but I was busy with singing... maybe Ill check out tomorrows pump class.

I hope everyone is having a good week... anyone else feel like this week went by super fast.. not complaining becuase it's one more week down until June when I leave the most BORING office job in the world. March flew by too... again.. not upset!

and now for weight related news!

2009-03-23T12:48:00.003-04:00

a little NSV for me!
I dug into my closet and pulled out some size 18 pants.. this after having my size 20's falling off and looking so frumpy that I just couldnt stand it anymore..

The pants that I thought would be too tight.. and still create too much muffin top.. well.. they actually fit..and just a tiny muffin top.. so I was very happy about that.. it was nice not to have to wear the same pants over and over again.. I have these 2 pants I had been rotating through for the past, oh, 5 months.. a black and a brown.. from Lane Giant.. elastic waist.. no shape.. and I am SOOOOO glad to be out of those.. I'm really tempted to burn them but am afraid the material, a lyrca kind of blend.. may be toxic.. haha

I found a couple tops that I had bought in the fall that were just a little tight that now are almost too big to wear.. I'm shooting for size 16 by June.. If I can lose at least 2lbs a week (so doable).. then I should be there.. AND be into ONEDERLAND... so that's my goal for June 1st.. be in size 16 and under 200lbs.. 18lbs to go.. 10 weeks to do it in.. I WILL do it.

Major Life decisions...

2009-03-23T12:16:00.003-04:00

and not weight related...

I'm sitting here at work.. bored as usual because, really, this job could totally be part time but I'm not complaining.. at least I get paid full time though most of my time is spent bored, farting around on the computer...

I'm trying to decide what to do with my life... I'm kinda in a position where I could go and do anything.. but I'm not quite sure WHAT that is yet..

1. Go back to teaching public school music: I still really *do* want to work with children.. and I still want to be involved with music.. but I have let my teaching certification for New York State expire.. I can renew it, so that's not really an issue.. I think back to when I was teaching last year.. and I loved teaching 3rd grade through 6th.. If I could find an elem. job teaching 2-5th or 6th.. that would be great. I love being around he little ones because they are so non-judgemental and of course the hugs are a great perk.. I was *happy* teaching that age range. When I think back to when I was teaching MS/HS.. It was a struggle.. BUT.. i was in a district that had low support for music..and very apathetic students.. I'm not sold on teaching choir at those levels either.. It's been so long since I've been in a choral situation that I feel very nervous about it.. I guess I just feel rusty when It comes to teaching at that level. The plus side of that level, however, is getting to work on solo work with students... something I *love* to do.. so It's a toss up on where I want to be.. and also what STATE I want to be in...

2. which brings me to #2... WHERE to live. I really want to be either in a city or at least near one. I want singing ops and culture.. I'm done with living in upstate NY... I'm considering the long island area because I have a ton of friends down there... the Baltimore/DC area.. because I have friends there AND there is a University I would love to go to to work on my DMA... which I still want to look into even though I'm feeling out of sorts with singing (see #3). Then there is Portland Oregon.. where my twin sister is... THAT is a huge life change.. moving across the country, away from all of my friends and the life I have known.. but I get to be with my sister.. who I miss TERRIBLY.. we haven't seen each other in a year.. but I am afraid to leave everything else behind..

3. Singing... last nights concert was good... but I had a real hard time saying one positive thing about the experience as I was driving home.. I am so SO hard on myself.. I beat myself up about my voice and how I performed more than I ever have about being fat.. in fact.. I don't really beat myself up about anything.. except for singing. I don't know how that was ingrained in me.. I never had pushy teachers or parents.. I just brought it on myself.. something I really REALLY need to work on.. because If I cant enjoy singing.. then what's the point? Why put myself through this mental torture every time I go to sing?

4. I have the option to make my summer camp job a full time, year round, camp job. But It means I'd have to live in middle-of-nowhere PA.. at the camp.. year round. I find it appealing sometimes.. I mean.. I get free housing, a food budget, free utilities, and a salary of at least $30K a year.. and I think I would be able to pay all my bills and students loans with that... but it's not really music related.. I wouldn't be teaching.. Id be doing office work.. and while I could probably set up my own teaching studio out of house.. it isn't a great area for finding students... My weak self just wants to give up on everything and just take the camp job full time/year round... then I don't have to worry about anything... but that feels like such a cop-out... but I also know the owner of the camp is really hoping I do take the job as it would free up more of his time.. and I do love working there.. tough call on that one..

5. I guess most of this is all waiting to see what happens with my parents estates come May. It always comes down to $.. where can I afford to move to.. can I even afford to move.. in that case then working at camp might have to be what I do.. I hate that I just cant give a definite YES to one thing.. my mind is wandering in too many areas and I'm not 100% sold on any of them and I hate that.. I want some direction and I want it now.. and I want to not be such an emotional wreck.. I know it's my choice to be happy or not.. but what is it so hard for me to stick with it. My voice teacher said that or situations start to become habits.. I keep crying in my lessons when I get frustrated.. it's a habit and I need to deal with it and break it.. just like this uncertainty and my victim mentality is a habit.. I've been swimming in it since my parents both passed away 5 years ago.. it's so ingrained in me and It's going to take a massive emotional and mental change to get over it... and that change is SCARY.. I keep saying I want to be happier, do yoga, meditation, gratitude journals.. all these things.. but I never step up to it.. I'm afraid to be this happy person and it's frustrating that I keep myself in this dark place... I have a few times to refer back to when I was actually happy and productive.. so I know it can be done.. I just need to take the risk to change and be a better person

I know I need to change.. and I have some huge life changing situations to deal with.. how to find direction though?! Luckily it's Spring.. time for renewal.. cleaning out all the clutter.. I just need to actually DO it this time.. I do deserve the life that I have in mind ... it's time.

Sunday Weigh In!

2009-03-22T11:35:00.002-04:00

Last week: 221
This week: 218

-3 lbs GONE!

And I think I can officially say I am OUT of the 220's!

I really really watched what I ate this week and stayed in my calorie range... I did not get to the gym once, however, and will be getting back into that tomorrow.

This past week has been busy... dealing with car issues.. getting ready for a concert.. and then singing through all these emotions!

Tonight is my concert... 7pm.. I'm taking it easy this morning.. going to go do some yoga... take a long shower... just take it easy! I'm really looking forward to the concert tonight.. the music is gorgeous and no matter what happens, its going to be great!

I'm sorry I haven't been around to comment and what not.. I'm finding after I spend the day infront of the computer at work, I really don't want to stare at it when I get home! I'll play catch up tomorrow!! I hope you all have a great rest of your weekend!

oh sweet baby jesus!

2009-03-18T20:47:00.003-04:00

I was just leaving a reply to Tricia's post about looking for new blogs to read...

and for some reason I thought it would be funny to see a blog named:

Fart Faces Fat Fight!

And then I laughed until I cried like and old man and then had a stich in my side

It was a good laugh.. and then I thought..

"man.. why is this cracking me up so much?"

"oh yeah.. I haven't actually LAUGHED like this in MONTHS"

that's what stress will do to you kids... keep you from really letting go and laughing!

good ol' Fart Face does it every time..

HA.. it just did again..

I just have to say Fart Face and I lose it...

oh lord please let me stay this crazy happy.. even if it IS Crazy!

Car dilema...

2009-03-14T20:29:00.002-04:00

Repairs to the suv today did not fix it completely.. cylinder #5 is still showing up on the check engine light errors... today they replaced the spark plug to #5, checked the rpm compression .. car still shakes and is sluggish on hills and the engine sounds like a diesel engine.

I don't have any more $ to put into this 2002 santa fe that has 105k miles and $5k left on the loan

but.. I need a car for work and gigs...I have to be in Syracuse tuesday night (1hr 15m drive) for a rehearsal.. and back up Sunday afternoon for the concert.

the shop said that there is still something wrong, possibly the fuel injection for cylinder#5...and then there's the 'knocking' engine (the diesel engine sound)... so even if I get the injection replaced.. there could still be issues.

So do I ask for a salary advance from my summer job... pray I get some $ from the sale of my fathers estate/closing of mom's estate that will tide me over the summer.. and keep fixing my suv? I put in $550 today.. half went on what was left of the credit on my monro muffler credit card (where I took it to get fixed btw... lucky I had some $ left there).. the rest is coming from my paycheck I'm getting for next weekends concert. I was going to use that money to pay for getting my taxes done and save a little for the summer and transition to a new job after the summer.

Or should I not fix it.. pray it lasts until May when I may get some $ from estate sales... just drive to syracuse tuesday and sunday.. and then walk to work the rest of the time... keep my car off the road until I have to drive back home for the estate sale May 2nd... and then after I see where I am $-wise.. either fix my suv or try to get into something used-new?

I tried to get into something used-new last time (end of Jan.) but my credit isn't good and I didn't have a down payment.. but I would be trading in

I really don't know what to do... I guess I'm leaning towards just getting my summer pay advanced.. fix the suv... and pray I get some $ from the Estate to tide me over in the summer

Thoughts? I'm actually going through all my stuff to see what I can sell.. looking for any way to get some extra cash... tv.. instruments.. dvds... books... a savings bond that comes to maturity in 2010

It's like.. "what the hell!".. when do I fucking get my break?! I've spent the past 5..almost 6 years now dealing with crap.. trying to get my life back in order.. trying to find some peace and happiness... and I feel like I just keep getting kicked back down. I mean.. I know its all going to work out in the end and that this is NOTHING compared to what other people are dealing with and in the grand scheme of life.. this is just a bump.. albeit..a HUGE bump... in my journey... it just really sucks because I am really stretching for money and am worried about how I'm going to afford everything come summer and into fall... what with moving, finding a new teaching job, dealing with the estate in may

send any and all positive vibes my way.. and seriously.. if anyone has any suggestions on my car issues and/or lack of $... please let me know

Mental health day...

2009-03-11T11:11:00.004-04:00

I woke up before 7 this morning in tears. I was dreaming about my Mom for some reason. It was one of those dreams where it is so real and I must've started crying in the dream.. then woke up.. and was actually crying.

Not a good start to the day... and I could not pull myself together.. so I called into work and call in sick ("migraine").. which.. i do have a headache now after crying so much.

It will be 6 years this July since my Mom passed away. I get scared when moments like this happen. It's so easy just to spiral down into nothingness but I have a better handle on it as the years go by. I'm pretty sure this was triggered by stress because of closing my fathers estate and uncertainty of the future. I havent been really missing my mom.. this dream really came out of knowhere.

as for the dream.. I was at a wedding.. my sister was getting married.. and I turned to my mom, crying, and she asked why i was crying... and I said 'becaus I'm afraid you're not going to be there for my wedding'... and then I woke up sobbing..

The sad/weird thing was that I could not see her face... and it made me realize that I can only picture her because of the photos I have of her... which breaks my heart..

I'm also getting close to 'that time of the month'... so I imagine I'm getting emotional because of that..

and as for work... I probably could have gone in.. but I had one more sick day left.. and in the grand scheme of things.. me not being there will not bring the office down.. life will go on and they will manage... and I refuse to let work bother me anymore.

anyways.. that's the start of my day... still going to go to the gym and practice...and try to shake off these feeling... its scary to wake up like that.. makes me really wish I had health insurance and a therapist...

Sunday Weigh In!

2009-03-08T13:42:00.003-04:00

DOWN 2.8 lbs
Current Weight: 219.6

I managed to turn my thoughts around, made some better choices in food and exercise...

I needed this loss after the past few weeks. I was definitely in a mini-depression.. mostly about $. I am extremely grateful to a bunch of friends who really stepped up to lend a hand and helped me realize that there is help if needed and I do not have to do this all on my own... that it is 'OK' to ask for (and receive) help.

Planned out my food for the week... yogurt w/granola and berries for breakfast... I may still do protein shakes in the afternoon.. grilled chicken sandwich w/avocado for lunch, with grapes.. and salad or veg and bean/turkey chili for dinner... I can never get sick of chili.. it's been a few weeks since that's been on my menu..

Things are looking up for this coming week...hitting the gym M-F. Will practice music after work then go to the gym.. then home for dinner. May be a later dinner then normal... like 7 or 8.. but I don't got to be until 11, so I think that's enough time to digest...

Just gotta keep doing what works.. I can't worry about the future.. I'll get there when I get there.. I need to stay focused on what is going good for me now... prepare as much for the future as I can.. but really.. just let it happen. I can't sit here today worry about what may happen in the future with my $ issues... with losing weight... with finding a good job... It made me just tailspin into depression, anger, and sadness.. all things that work against me and make me miserable.. which in turn stall any weight loss and emotional well-being efforts....

I hope you all had a good weekend and have a great week!

shifting into gear!

2009-03-06T14:51:00.003-05:00

I'm shifting gears today.. for the first time in probably 2 weeks.. I feel positive and feel like my depression is lifting..

I was reading this blog and it really helped me to turn my thoughts around..

What's really important to you?
Is chocolate or chinese or what ever food more important than being healthy and losing weight?

No...

It's not...

It's going to be hard.. but I really need to reign in my eating.. focus on healthy foods
I've got my water down... exercise is 2 for 5 this week..

I need to stop being all talk and just DO

note to self

2009-03-06T12:42:00.002-05:00

I went by the vending machine today and made the choice to get some chips to have with my sandwich I brought.. put my money in.. ordered the honey mustard pretzels.. denied "make another selection'.. WTF! They are right there.. give me my snack!! So I tried another chip.. doritos.. 'make another selection'.. but they are RIGHT THERE...

I went to make another selection but hit the 'refund' button instead..

obviously the universe is telling me to step away from the vending machine and to just be satisfied with the sandwich and grapes I brought for lunch...

; )

did I do it...

2009-03-04T09:11:00.003-05:00

Yes.. I DID go to the gym after work.. and then came home and made falafel (not fried, baked!) but had a second serving.. didn't make it to practice tho.. SO cold.. so I finished my taxes instead.. still owe.. but not as much as I thought.. I think I am going to take my stuff to a tax preparer though.. there were some questions on the online prep that I had no clue on.. so.. once I get paid for my singing gig in mid march.. i will finish my taxes.

I'm up to 223 this morning... I can't get to the gym tonight because of a meeting.. I know I'm retaining because of my mood/emotions.. I'm stressed about $.. but I just have to decide to be at peace with it all so I can de-stress.. I've come too far to back slide all the way back to 234 (or worse, 245.. my highest in the past few years)

I think maybe I'm a little lost with what to eat.. I mean.. I know what I should be eating... but I think I can do better and wonder if there is an eating plan out there that I could follow..I feel like I'm eating too many carbs/starches... not that I am against them.. I am not an atkins fan.. and know the importance of carbs...

I didn't get to cook this weekend so I bought stuff for salads for lunch.. but I really do not enjoy salads.. and I don't have enough 'stuff' to put on them.. and they have never been filling for me... so last night I made some weird mix of food for lunch.. ditalini pasta, black beans, squash and chili spice.. i put 1/4c of cheese on top to melt when I microwave it for lunch..

I'm totally not following a 'clean eating' diet anymore.. I've added back in sugar.. and while I still check lables for High fructose corn syrup.. I know I've added more processed foods back in.. like the lite ranch dressing i used on my falafel sandwiches last night..

I'm on the edge of not caring about what I eat.. and that's not good. All weekend I thought about buying a bag of doritos.. and actually had them in hand at one point (but put them back).. I'm frustrated.. and I know it's all because my LIFE is frustrating right now.. too much uncertainty and I'm just anxious... It makes it really hard to lose weight when you head really isnt in the game..

so my question to you all...

What is working for you food wise...
and
how do YOU combat the 'I wan't to give up/i'm tired of trying/this is hard' feelings/thoughts.

It's hard for me to ask for help.. but really...

Help?!

accountability

2009-03-03T15:33:00.003-05:00

I haven't been posting daily.. and my weight loss has been minimal if at all..

I think I was doing the best when i was writting on here every day, tracking my food, and doing my exercise..

Tonight after work I WILL GO TO THE GYM, cook a HEALTHY dinner, and go PRACTICE

I can't let all of lifes uncertainties ($, future job?!) derail all the postive things that have happend in the past few months. I've lost around 12lbs since tracking/journaling.. I know I can do better than I did in Feb. and will get out of this slump!

Gratitude

2009-03-02T13:39:00.002-05:00

Slow monday here at work.. and a little drama ofcourse.. but not my drama!

I had a voice lesson yesterday with my voice teacher from Grad School. It had been over a year since I worked with her. It was a good lesson and I came out of it with some pointers that I had forgot over time and some new ideas to work with. We talked about life before the lesson and I became upset.. but she is used to that.. she worked with me while I was going through my heavy grief period, which is still affecting me a little.. but not as much for sure... so she is used to seeing my tears. I also told her about my financial situation. I didn't plan on having another lesson before the concert..but she told me that I could pay $20 a lesson and then do dog sitting or work around the house.. a trade for lessons. Before I left I thanked her for all she has done and she said something that has stuck with me since... she said: "I am honored to have helped your through that part of your journey'

honored...

I am so grateful for her and other people who have stepped up to help in a very trying time for me... Carol has been there for me through a lot.. and I'm glad I get to work with her a few more times before I move out of Ithaca.

My best friend Eva and I hung out saturday.. and even though I told her not to get me anything for holidays.. she did anyways.. a $30 gift card to target and $50 to wegmans (a grocery store).. made me cry to know that there are people out there to help. I've never asked for help.. she just knew money was tight..

I guess I've just made myself get used to doing things on my own since my parents arent around and my sister is off in Portland.. I've become used to being independent.. having these two people step up to lend a helping hand.. made me really feel blessed and very very humble.

I don't have to do this alone...there *are* people to help.. I just need to be ok with asking if I need it.. I guess I'm a little proud and don't want to come across as pathetic or needy.. I don't know.. It makes me really want to 'pay it forward' somehow..

I'm going to try to write every night.. a list of things I am grateful for.. yeah.. there are crappy things happening in the world and in my own life.. but there is a silver lining to it all.. and there is beauty, love, and kindness all around...

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another
person.Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have
lighted the flame within us.
- Albert Schweitzer

WI results

2009-03-01T10:57:00.001-05:00

Not surprised at all..

gained 2.4lbs

putting me back to 222.4

Will be changing up my diet and exercise this week...
and ofcourse drinking tons of water...

Here's to a good week and a productive March!!!!!

Tomorrow is a new day

2009-02-28T21:26:00.002-05:00

Lot of ups and downs the past few weeks... WI is tomorrow and honestly, after this week, I do not expect a loss and would not be surprised by a gain.. especially after going out for dinner tonight.

I hung out with a really good friend today... and everything came bubbling out.... my financially situation...loosing John... not liking my job.. not sure where my life is going... if I've made the right decisions in career and life.. I just broke down and lost it...

I know things are going to turn around.. I just feel so stuck right now... I really need to remind myself of all the positive things going for me now.. Everything will fall into place... I just need to keep my options open and work on not getting stuck in the 'what if's'. What's done is done.. move forward.

weight loss wise... I could've worked out harder...could've made better choices... but I don't feel like I failed... I know there is room for improvement and I plan to make those improvements in this next month.

moving forward.. ya can't change the past...

note to self

2009-02-22T22:07:00.004-05:00

that splurge meal was so not worth it... chinese food should never be used as a splurge...

I don't know how I used to eat that stuff all the time... white rice, sesame chicken, dim sum and an egg roll... not worth it..

maybe instead of one meal a week to have whatever I want.. I'll just give myself a day off from counting calories..

the up side is that at least food doesn't have such a hold over me anymore... maybe I wont even do a 'splurge' meal next weekend...although I am meeting up with a friend on saturday..hmmm

WI results!

2009-02-22T11:15:00.003-05:00

shock of all shocks... down 1.4lbs today.. and reached my week goal of 220 even!

I said a month ago that I wanted to reach 220 by the first full week of FEB... so I'm a few weeks off.. but at least I reached it IN Feb.

Goal for next week is to break into the teens... shooting for 218

I've been really lazy this weekend.. well not total sloth lazy.. but lazy enough. I did manage to get in my 'last chance workout' yesterday an put in an hour on the treadmill... the whole time i was walking I was thinking of new ideas for the summer program I teach at.. I should really carry a mini voice recorder to take down my thoughts... because when I get home, I don't write anything down..

I also did grocery shopping yesterday.. stuck to my budget.. $30 at Aldi's... and didn't have to go anywhere else. I do, however, need to get more protein powder.. I don't think it's going to last me all week... thank goodness walmart, as much as I hate that store, has $15 2lb jugs of protein powder... I find when I have 25% of calories from Protein a day.. I lose weight. Lately I've been eating around 50%carb, 25%Fat, 25% protein. The Zone diet is I guess similar to this.. maybe it's 40/30/30.. I love bread too much (and bananas) to get my carbs down to 40...

Lazy sunday today... going to the opera at 2 then having my splurge meal after. I've decided on chinese since I haven't had it in months and I've been craving mystery meat. Speaking of meat.. I've added it back into my diet... I'm not a real vegetarian, and I don't pretend to be.. while I do try to limit it... a girl can only have beans and tofu for so long! This weeks lunches will be chicken sandwiches w/grapes (mmmm!).. and I'm going to make a shepherds pie tomorrow night.

GOALS
1. drink that water.. it's helping!
2. stay in the moment.. no need to worry about what's to come.. cross that bridge when you get there.. especially when it comes to $/taxes.. those thoughts do not need to control your life/emotions/mental health!
3. Hit the gym at least 4 times if not 5.. you were a little slack last week
4. keep tracking on sparkpeople... keeping calories between 1750-1950

Have a great rest of the weekend!!

clarity through poetry

2009-02-19T20:08:00.002-05:00

I happened across an Anais Nin quote...

Dreams are necessary to life.

and kept reading on through a list of her quotes and many spoke to me... but this next one really set me off...

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

I have spent SO long in a state of fear... and fear of many things.... but most recently it is fear of Money and my inability to have a healthy relationship with it. I speak mainly of debts and the looming federal and state tax bill I have to pay. This is not something I can change now.. it is something I have to come to accept and deal with. I made mistakes and now I have to pay the consequences..

but

I can NOT let this make me immobile to life and to living. This whole week I've been down and what these negative feelings and emotions all boil down to is my issue with $ right now. I feel good about everything thing else in my life... my weight loss efforts, my career efforts.. but money issues are really dragging me down.

NO MORE
I will not live my life in fear.. wether it be fear of money... of love.. of loss
I need to live my life to fullest NOW.. in the PRESENT.. not in the past or even the future..
There is no reason I can't start my day with a smile and a positive attitude.. NO REASON at ALL!
Time to snap out of what ever this funk is and get back to living my life... I know I'm feeling bound and helpless in Ithaca now... with no friends around.. a job that isn't putting me any closer to career goals... a financial situation that is unfortunate but fixable...
but I have goals in mind.. a future to fulfill and I cant pause my life until the ideal situations come along.... I need to stay in the moment and take life at its full value
Yes.. you owe a lot of money in taxes... you take full responsibility for it and will find a way to take care of it.. in the meantime.. you have been making excellent choices about how to spend and save money... all of your credit cards are no longer fully maxed out and you are paying them down... you have money left after paying bills to put aside...

Yes.. losing weight is HARD.. but look how far you have come in past 2 months... down 12lbs.. thats an average of 6lbs a month.. exactly where you need to be...losing weight at a good pace and making better choices every day. You have found ways to increase water, increase exercise and increase protein and have a blanced 'diet'.
yes... your job isn't ideal ... but it could be worse.... at least you work with relatively nice people and your job is, for the most part, a pretty easy job. You have learned new skills (billing) and enjoy helping others and seeing the station succeede. You also have a summer and possible fall of amazing opportunities with Ballibay... being able to really stretch your leardership 'wings' and build the music program up! Remember your feelings of pride and passion you have at Ballibay as you look for teaching jobs for the fall... your reasons for avoiding teaching public school music are outnumbered by the reasons you love teaching and spreading your love and passion for music.
I leave you with more Anais Nin quotes... I need to find out more about this author...
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

Common Myths about Happiness

2009-02-18T14:27:00.003-05:00

Found a great article on sparkpeople today... just what I needed to hear as I am bogged down with negative thinking...

favorite part?...

The only constant you will have in your life is your relationship with
yourself. People will come and go, material possessions can be taken away or
lost, but you will always remain. And how you feel about yourself will make a
big difference in how you interpret your life.

Common Myths about Happiness

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rollercoasters are fun... just not the emotional ones....

2009-02-16T09:53:00.002-05:00

Since fridays crazyness my emotions have been all over the place! I blame it on the end of Aunt Flow and doing Stupid Taxes.

I had a meeting at camp last night and while I have been given more responisbilities in the summer (which is what I asked for)... things are a little iffy for after the summer. I'd like to work for the camp full time.. but to do that.. i'd have to actually LIVE at the camp.. in the middle of no-where PA.. for the whole time. I guess I had it in my mind to work for camp on my own terms.. i.e.. living in/near the city.. doing work from my home office.. and taking the evenings to teach a perform. That's not what John (the Boss) had in mind.. so now my thoughts of 'what to do with my life' all come flooding back in... And then after just starting (not finishing.. I became frustrated..) my taxes.. It looks like I am going to be OWEING a butt load of taxes back. It didn't help that I had 4 different jobs last year.. and one of them in PA.. it also didn't help (and OH how I regret this one..).. that I emptied the 7K out of my IRA because I 'needed the Money'.. I can't even remember why I thought I needed that money last year.. I was teaching so I had a pretty descent salary.. something must've came up (my guess is either car problems or Student Loan payments)...and I had to take that money out. or maybe I just felt that since I hadn't put any money in there since 2003.. that it was a waste..

well.. now I'm paying for that huge mistake... I think my biggest goal this year ( after losing my weight ofcourse..) is getting my life financially stable. I am in no way living outside my means now.. I'm making 25K/yr at this radio job.. and I am on a strict budget. I guess I should've paid more attention when I was teaching.. I kind of just didn't think about $ because I knew it would always be there.. but things crept up on me.. I moved.. I changed jobs.. i was unemployed for awhile.. life got in the way.

Now I'm confronted with how to pay back all these taxes... and what to do with my life after the summer.

If I work for camp year round.. I'd have to live in PA.. the reason I'm leaving upstate ny is becuase there are so few teaching/performing opportunities... and if I move to PA.. then I'm still in that situation... BUT.. as part of my salary/compensation... I get to live there for free.. utilities are free and I get a food budget... But can I still afford to pay all my bills. They don't know how much they have or if they can afford me. I need to sit down and figure out how much I pay towards bills.. including the student loans that will be coming back into effect this summer (can't defer forever...)

ughh.... and to top it all off.. I think I'm allergic to gum.. or at least something in the gum because while I was cheweing a piece of stride spearamint gum.. the vein or maybe salivary gland? under my tounge on the left side became swollen and it was hard to swallow...and actually kind of hurt and made my left side of my jaw/ear hurt and feel a little numb. This has happend once before.. but I don't remember chewing gum then.. I was reading up online about anything similar and it ofcourse came back with a bazillion different ideas... cysts in the glands.. salivary 'stones'.. but nothing saying that gum can cause an allergic reaction like what I had.. I'll just stay away from gum I guess...

and.. my throat is itchy.. I think it was just dry air last night.. and I took a benadryl thinking it would help with my inflammed tounge vein...

oh life.... *sigh*

I at least had a pleasant surprise on the scale this am.. couldnt resist the temptation of the all-knowing scale..

219.6

bodies are weird....

Weigh In

2009-02-15T10:40:00.003-05:00

Yes.. moved the day again.. but I want to relax for some of my weekend without thinking about food... so Sunday is my WI and 'one treat meal' day... I promise not to change it.... at least for a week... haha.. no really.. I want to keep it at this day for as long as I can..

anyways..

DOWN 2lbs!

Previous weight: 223.4
Current weight: 221.4

Scale is finally moving again!

I credit this to
1. Drinking more than 8 glasses of water on most days
2. really staying with in my calorie limits/tracking food
3. Exercising 5 days this week
4. Thinking positive about myself and weight loss.... allowing my body to let go of the fat

I really think my mini goal of being at 200 by June 1st is very attainable.. I just need to stay on track...stay focused and CONSISTENT.

Good/Bad

2009-02-13T21:37:00.002-05:00

What a crazy crazy day today turned out to be. Let's re-cap.. starting with the bad

1. I get a call at work from my half brother - our grandma had passed away yesterday from a stroke. This makes me sad because I hadn't seen her since 2005. After my mom left my dad, his side of the family said some pretty nasty things about my mom and my sister and I haven't really spoke to that side of the family.. even after my mom and dad passed away. It's a rough, uncomfortable area of my life. I feel bad that my grandma died.. but after getting the call about your mom and then your dad passing.. what else is there left to say. My sister and I talked about that for awhile. We've went through so much grief at once that now other deaths don't seem as shocking (for lack of better term).. and not that I'm not sad that my grandma is gone.. she was old and all.. but I guess I can't process death the same way other's do.. I'm too used to it.. which is in a way good and I guess bad... because I am, in my mind, a pretty emotional accesible person.

2. Had a fight with a co-worker this morning... I'm completely done with this persons attitude at work and towards me. He thinks he's the best thing in the world and nothing (and no one else) matters.. It really pissed me off enough today to go to my boss about it. It's people like this jerk that make me not want to work there anymore.. I felt very under appreciated today.. and this guy also made me feel like an idiot and that I wasn't important... totally uncalled for and unacceptable. I think belittleing someone is one of the meanest things you can do...

3. I'm way tired and it's totally that Time of Month... which didn't help with the above (nothing like crying infront of your male boss...ha)

After all that.. somehow.. and surprisingly .. my day improved.

1. An old family friend stopped by the office... little did we both know that we actually work in the same building.. and on the same FLOOR. He is 3 offices down from the station.. totally crazy! It was really nice to reconnect with him and his family. They lived next to my family at our summer home... and had just found out about my parents this past week.. hence why they sought me out. He offered his condolences and any help if I need anything since they live 20 minutes from me. We made plans to do dinner when his daughter (a close friend growing up in the summer) to me comes home for Easter break. That was really nice!

2. Yesterday was a little crazy with some orders we had coming in.. I went out of my way for one of the sales guys... it wasn't really a difficult task.. but he came in this afternoon with a little box of chocolates to thank me for going "above and beyond yesterday".. and for Vday as well.. It was really sweet and totally unexpected. It's nice to know there are still nice guys in the world... His wife and kids are really lucky!

3. Even though I was tired.. and ALMOST bailed on the gym... I went anyways and somehow found the energy to run for 7 minutes (not consecutively.. but still).. I actually did a full 3 minutes at one point. I don't understand how I am able to do that when I'm PMS'y... and other days when I think Im ok... I just drag ass... Funny. But.. I was freaking proud of myself for really pushing myself. I had a mental dialogue of inspiration going through my head while running.. mostly "why do you want this" kind of stuff. So that was pretty neat!

So all my negatives balanced out with some positives today... which was super awesome! I'm really thinking of starting a gratitude journal... but for now I'm going to keep it here... I think it's nice to pay things forward and if someone reads this and smiles because of it.. that would be neat. This week is national 'Random Act of Kindness' week... which I love because my mom was SO pro- Random Act of Kindness and I thought it was fitting that it started the day of her would be 53rd Birthday (2/9).

Have a great weekend, everyone! I get to do taxes... and I think I'm finally going to have that meeting about making camp administration full time. I also noticed at the gym that they are doing an intro class to the weight class I want to take... at 1030 on sunday.. which I am totally going to check up.. just to see what it's all about!

Take a moment to think about what things made you grateful today!

Celebrity Encounter!

2009-02-13T09:13:00.002-05:00

So.. I work for a Contempory Hits radio station and we have been getting some sweet interview.. well today it was

JILLIAN MICHALES.. of Biggest Loser fame!!

It was a phone interview.. but I was able to gush over her and tell her how much I loved the show and how great she was... I was actually quite composed for being put on the spot.. She was very friendly and really appreciative..

I'm going to try to get the mp3 of the interview for you all because she had some pretty awesome things to say...and she was mad cute about it all.. Love her!!

Dont Cry over Spilled milk day!

2009-02-11T10:30:00.001-05:00

saw this on Jen's blog (PriorFatGirl)... Love it!!!

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day
When : Always February 11th

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day is in recognition that everyone spills a little milk now and then. It's a day to be optimistic, think positive, look on the bright side, and to find something good in everything that happens. As the song says: Don't Worry, be Happy!
Today is a day to recognize that s_ _ _ happens. And, when it does, Don't worry, or fret, or cry over it. Rather, take a positive attitude and fix it, or get past it.
We all know the concept of the question: Is the glass half full or half empty? The pessimist sees it as half empty. The optimist sees it as half full. It's all an attitude towards life.
You should participate in "Don't Cry over Spilled Milk Day" with an optimistic attitude and a smile on your face.!

and we're back!

2009-02-10T10:34:00.003-05:00

I feel the forward momentum building.. FINALLY... had a few rough weeks but they are behind me now and I am moving forward... I feel good about my exercise plan... moving every day... taking sunday off... I'm getting practice time in and am feeling better about that every day... I even took a peek at the scale this morning and my weight is finally moving DOWN...

So glad to be back in land of positive thinking and forward motion...

Weigh-In

2009-02-09T10:25:00.004-05:00

Moved my WI to monday mornings so I can keep on track on the weekend... It's kind of working... I weighed Sat. morning and Monday morning and there was no change..

still at 223.5

I FEEL smaller..and I am noticing more muscle in my legs.. so I'm just going to go with 'I am gaining muscle..which weighs more than fat (and is helping me get RID of my fat)... so I'm not stressing... If I'm *still* at 223.5 next weekend.. I will take measurements..

This week I will not waste time at night.. I have fat to lose and a concert to prepre for.. so.. After work M-F I will go to the gym.. 30-45m walk.. if I can walk fast(er) I will do less time.. I also want to add the weight machines, just for the upper body 2-3 times per week

I am having more food and breakfast and lunch so I can have a smaller meal/light meal after the gym.. then it's up to the college to practice

In bed..lights off by 11... up at 7am...

I need to be consistent. I looked back at the weeks where I lost..and my calories were between 1600-1800... this past week I was above 2000 the majority of the week..and only worked out 3 times. I need to move 5-6 days/week. I will take sunday off.. but perhaps will do yoga or pilates.. and I will still go practice. Just like being consistent with working out.. I have to be consistent with singing. The voice is a muscle and needs to be worked out too.. It's been awhile since I practiced daily.. and my voice is showing that... It was very tired yesterday.. I just need to take it slow this week.. don't get ahead of myself. I'm warming up before work for 20 minutes.. in the car.. but better than nothing.. I can do this...

Have a good week everyone.. not sure how much I will be posting during the week!

note to self...

2009-02-07T20:54:00.002-05:00

If you can spend time at night watching tv then you can find time to exercise... The weekend it for resting.. after work you can go practice, have a light dinner (so add more calories to your breakfast and lunch)... and GO TO THE GYM

what's more important.. watching tv and wasting time on the internet... or getting fit and healthy...

/end note self...

re-arrange of the schedule.. again!

2009-02-05T13:33:00.003-05:00

I think Im adding too much change at once...

My body and voice were pretty dead yesterday. I had planned to do day 2 for the C25k program but my body wasn't having it.. it was a struggle to even walk fast.. much less jog! I ended up just walking for 40 minutes and fought really hard to not get down on myself...at least I DID do some form of movement.

I have dinner after my workout.. had veggie curry over some wild rice.. then I go up to the college to practice. I have a concert in a little over 5 weeks and my voice is so out of shape. Yesterday I tried to practice and I couldn't even vocalize in my upper range. I think with my body being tired.. I just couldn't get my voice to function.. I still worked a little.. but it wasn't feeling healthy, so i didn't push. I have some junk in my throat today.. but I'm going to go over to practice after work today and see if practicing earlier helps. I could just be getting sick.. but I refuse to accept that as I feel fine.. I think i was just tired yesterday.. Must stay positive about this or I will not get anywhere Vocally and I only have 5 weeks to feel secure in all this music I have..

I think I'm going to make M/W/F my singing ONLY days.. Cardio will be T/TH/S.. and probably Sunday... Strength... hmm.. I could just wait to start Body Pump after the concert... yeah.. so maybe strength will just be done after cardio with the gyms machines.. and now that I've learned a new Tricep exercise (MizFit is a-MAZING) (see video ) I feel fine just doing basic strength now... I think i was getting a little ahead of myself.. I'll try the c25k again on friday.. but maybe my body isn't ready for that either.. I do have 225lbs on my frame to contend with. I keep thinking about these Biggest Loser people who are running.. but then remind myself that they have drs around and as we saw on an episode a few weeks ago.. they have icing time.. which kind of struck me as not good.. but that's a different post.

some positive things

2009-02-02T21:30:00.002-05:00

* I re-arranged my desk at work so no I can see the gorgeous view of the lake and will also hopefully have less glare on my monitor -- wich will also hopefully mean less headaches..

* I got in an hour of singing tonight.. my voice has such a strange, amazing new dark color to it..not sure that's the best color for Rutter.. but it will have to do!

* I at all my food today, drank 8 glasses of water, and even had room for some PB on toast..

* met my goal of 25% Fat/ 25% protein/ 50% carbs ... it's at this ratio I lose the best...

* Did the first day of the Couch 2 5K jogging program.. almost cried at the end of my last 1-minute jog because I was so freakin' happy I did the damn thing! It's so true when they say 'running can be euphoric'... I sure felt on top of the world!

* My car is running just fine now

* a friend who owes me $$ finally paid some of it back today.. now I can afford a lesson or two...

* I saw the most gorgeous sunset today.. deep pink and yummy.. reflected on the lake...

* Had a good talk with my roommate about a lot of things. We rarely talk, and I'm glad we are doing more of it.. I kind of shut everyone out this past fall..so I never really got to know her when i first moved in.. This was one of my goals for the year...

* I'm so blessed to have so many people in my life who are going through the same battle.. It's great to read all these blogs. PLUS.. I have a sparkgroup of some college peeps and we are keeping track of ourselves and eachother on that sparkpage.. so GREAT (Hey T!!)

* life is just good... going to work on keeping it that way with as few down moments as possible (but recognize that you can't eliminate the bad stuff completely!... how boring would that be?!)

a few things

2009-02-02T11:22:00.002-05:00

Lots of awesome prize giveaways this week! Check out Mizfit for some awesome prizes EVERY DAY THIS WEEK!

Also, check out Hangrypants, they are giving away some yummy looking almond butter!

I ofcourse entered.. I have yet to win any prizes since blogging.. not that that's why I blog.. I actually had no idea people did that. If my blog ever got big, id totes do some giveaways!

As for the Month of January... had some gains and some major losses..
but ended up losing 9.2lbs

not too bad! It beat my goal of 6 - 8lbs a month..
I've got some great plans for Feb..
I am starting the Couch 2 5k , jogging program today
and this Friday is my first BODY PUMP class.. and I'm freakin scared to death of it.. but SOOOOO want the challenge (and results) from it.

Eating is back to good.. eliminating sneaky sugars and keep tracking on sparkpeople.
Staying positive and looking forward.. I can do this...

WI results

2009-02-02T07:56:00.003-05:00

It sure was a crazy week but I think I managed to come out with a loss. My original WI date was Saturday.. and I weighed 222, but I wanted to switch to Mondays to help me be more accountable over the weekend. It did.. I definently ate better (and found a new favorite fruit - TANGELOS!).. I checked my weight Sunday (because I'm obsessive like that ) and it was 223.6 ... and this morning... 225?!

THIS is exactly why the scale is not a good tool for determining where you are. I ate really well all weekend, but am a little backed up if ya know what I mean.. and I attribute that to todays high number. I think i was getting a little high on the carbs.. mainly bread.. but it couldve been the tofu last night too.. had teriakiy sauce on it... EITHER way.. I averaged my weekend to be 223.5 which puts me at least down from my last 'official' WI.

I'm still trying to decide if I want to wi on saturday or monday... my schedule is off on the weekend so I'm not getting all my meals/snacks in.. I guess I can just keep it Saturday and just make myself stay on track as best I can on the weekend.

stupid scale...

Have a great day everyone!

Mental health day

2009-01-30T12:11:00.003-05:00

Yesterday I was feeling dizzy and a really bad headache...and the light outside was blinding me. This is is pretty easy since my office has a full wall of just window. Great view.. but man it hurt my head.

I did all my work for friday and the weekend yesterday, after my boss approved a 'sick day'. I think a lot of it is just stress but I still do have a bit of headache.. maybe it's just sinus pressure.

Anyways.. slept in til 10:30 today. Plans to clean my bedroom today, pick up my suv, and go to the gym.

My car was actually ready on Wed. I asked if i could post date a check because i would have the money until Friday.. they said no. I got angry, which didn't help with how i was feeling yesterday. My paycheck is direct deposited, and is in there now.. so I will be getting a ride down to the shop to pick it up this afternoon.

I've never considered myself and angry person. I'm pretty good about turning the negatives to positives.. but this week was a true test. It made me think more seriously about stress management... mainly meditation and yoga. I tend to avoid yoga/meditation because it is too 'new age-y' to me.. which is rediculous.. but it just stems from my practical nature I guess.
I will work on incorporating meditation into my life.. even if it's only a few minutes at a time. Just to have a moment of stillness and quite to refocus myself ... that would be a great thing. (thanks MizFit for the post on meditation this week!)

I'm glad I was able to take today off.. My life kind of slipped down a slippery slope this week but today I feel like I'm getting back to a better place and can really get back on track. Once i pick up my car today I will leave all that negative energy about that situation there.. I will not bring it home with me. What's done is done.. move on.

This weekend will be devoted to cleaning and reorganizing. My eating clean has slipped a bit.. I'm letting too much sugar and non-clean items into my diet. My yoplait yogurt is all gone.. (I feel guilty throwing it out...). I need to decide if yoghurt and cheese are things I want to keep around.... and eggs... as i was making a fried egg this morning the realization that that is an embryo and couldve been a living creature kind of hit home. I have been keeping meat out of my diet.. and have been eating Vegetarian for the past 5 months (with a few relapses here and there!)...but now I'm not sure eggs are going to stay. Need to review my diet this weekend.

Lots to do this weekend... and I've decided to move my weigh in to Monday moring so i stay on track better on the weekend... although.. I've even been wondering if using a scale weekly is worth it... the way our weights fluctuate so much... plus I've started doing weight training ((and am VERY tempted to do a BodyPump class for a real challenge -- and for something that will push me outside my comfort zone). I may after this next weigh in switch to MONTHLY weigh in's... sounds scary... but seeing the scale go up and down so much is annoying... and as long as I am counting my calories (i use sparkpeople every day).. and know I am doing everything right.. then why NOT just weigh once a month.. save myself some stress.

Have a great weekend everyone.. I'll try to check in at some point!

In the News -

2009-01-29T09:27:00.003-05:00

Great article from the Sparkblog this morning.

Do you know what's in your food? Maybe you are aware of all the extra sugars.. and High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS)... but are you aware of the MERCURY in the HFCS?!!

Read THIS

I've already started eliminating processed foods and extra sugars because of my Clean Eating way of life (which I really need to tighten up...but that's another post!), but I realize after reading that article that there are still ways I can do better... like not buying pre packaged yogurts...

Worth a look into if you are concerned about whats going into your body...

5 Surprising Reasons You're Gaining Weight

2009-01-28T12:40:00.003-05:00

Found a great article on oprah.com... here is the LINK... for all of us who try to figure out why we gained when we know we did everything we could...

It includes some great advice, such as what is copied below.. check it out!

2. You May Be Gaining Weight Because of Stress
We live in a society that demands we do more, be more and achieve more. Stress moves us forward and helps cope with life's demands, but it also affects our mood and emotions.
"Stress response, whether it is 'fight-or-flight,' juggling too many responsibilities or coping with financial pressures, triggers a biochemical process where our bodies
go into survival mode," explains May. "Our bodies store fuel, slow down
metabolism and dump out chemicals [cortisol, leptin and other hormones] which
are more likely to cause … obesity in the abdominal region."

Just for Today...

2009-01-28T11:55:00.002-05:00

I don't know how I came across this Dear Abby article.. it's a new years themed 'live for today' and 'you can do something for at least one day'.. kind of post..

check it out here... I've also posted a bit of it here just for quick reference.. but there is more to her article....nice way to refocus.

I did not write the following.. it is a Dear Abby creation.
__________________

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily -- if only just for today. And not only that, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions

it's a new day

2009-01-28T10:00:00.002-05:00

Had a little bump in the road yesterday and life sure is throwing a lot challenges my way this week.. BUT.. after giving myself last night to mope and be sad about it all.. I am now ready to get back up and fight.

I will be making a list of reason why I am working on myself.. a list of all the positive things going my way... and while I acknowledge that I have challenges to deal with (don't we all).. I will not let those 'challenges' bring me down.

Yesterday's post(s) reminded me of my old self.. the girl who would give up and give in to things/people that were not good for her. I am not that person anymore and will not let all this good that I've accomplished just disappear becuase 'it's too hard'

sorry

2009-01-27T19:14:00.000-05:00

I think I'm just really down all around ... what with having to call on my ex for help (See previous post)...being stressed at work...and because of my car.. and not having that until (hopefully) friday.. so I have no way to get to the gym.. which also depresses me because I was doing SO well.. and now I have a whole week of no gym.. I'm still eating ok.. I am getting lax.. and have little motivation to be accountable.. also tried to do some emotional eating tonight... wasnt happy with the meal i had planned so I put it back in the fridge and made a tuna sandwich .. which also didnt make me happy, so i threw the rest of that out and thought that maybe a PB sandwich would make me happy...and then it clicked.. FOOD DOES NOT DO THAT.. so I didn't go for the sandwich.. and came here to write instead... (hence the long ass post about relationships... )

I know what I need to do to get my health and weight issues moving in the right direction.. it's just really hard for me today and after all the progress I made I hate to see myself slip even the tiniest

I'm talking in circles.. I'm sorry if all my posts today seem crazy.. I'm just rambling now and dumping it all here.. read if you want but really I just needed to clear my head...

one day at a time ... Relationships

2009-01-27T18:41:00.004-05:00

This post has nothing to do with weight loss and should really belong in a personal journal but I started it and I'm hoping some of you ladies (or guys) can just tell me I'm doing the right thing here because My heart and mind are at war...
________________________________________________________________

I am on a downward spiral tonight.
I had to as the ex for a ride home from work since no one in the office was around to help me out. I regretted asking immediately. I have been SO strong with keeping him out of my life this past month. Granted - him being away on winter break helped. I was really able to just focus on me and It really did amazing things for me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

That all ended after a simple phone call.

I know I had no other options.. but I'm mad at myself for having to bring him back into my life. I'm sure he thinks that I must be ok with being friends with him because I asked for help. and that is SO far from the truth.

While walking out to his car after work I had to tell myself to be cold.. to not give in to anything... and it's not like he is a manipulative person..I still just miss him so freaking much.. I miss having someone to talk to and just be with. We tried to be friends after the break up in August.. and it worked for the most part. I can't just forget what we had though... I don't know how he can act like we never dated and that everything is ok. He doesnt understand how I can't just be friends.

God i was so cold in the car to him.. I HATE that.. I am not a cold person.. I loved this guy... I fucking MOVED back to Ithaca for him! I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him.. and I thought he was on the same page!

I think what bugs me the most is how we never really closed the relationship.. we just went into being friends (well.. after a month of not speaking). There is so much left between us that is unanswered.. I guess at least for me.

He ended it because he realized he didn't 'love me anymore'.... I'm sorry.. but we just spent the past year pretty darn happy.. talking about our futures together.. buying a house... we went to a wedding in July and he seemed perfectly happy. I moved back to Ithaca in August and 3 days later he tells me he doesnt love me and we should end things.

My whole world just crashed down around me.. He later tells me that he thinks we should never have gotten together in the first place.... So what.. this past year meant nothing?! "no" he says " it meant something at the time"... well obviously not if you thought we shouldnt have been together in the first place..

I want to know why the hell he wasted my time.. and what moment in time did he decide we shouldnt be together.. because frankly.. he seemed pretty fucking happy up until I moved back.

I still think to this day that he just didn't want to hurt me.. so he kept at it.. stringing me a long while he figured out his own feelings and (lack of) emotions. He's a coward and is afraid to commit and actually be in a relationship.

I dont know.. I just wish I knew why he ended it.. 'i dont love you anymore' just doesnt cut it for me.. its too broad.. I need specifics I guess.. I mean we've known eachother for 2 years... it's not like we didn't have things in common.. we were on the same page goal and career-wise... and up until he dumped me , I was under the impression that things were really great between us.

Boy was I wrong...

I still have moments of feeling like an idiot for loving him so much... and that just SUCKS. I have a lot of resentment towards him... while he didn't ask me to move back here for him.. he was happy that we would now be in the same city... we had been driving almost an hour to see eachother last year. And now I'm here.. alone and angry... and he wants to be friends and act like nothing happend... and still treat me how he treated me, and do the same things we did... when we were a couple... I just cant do it.

Tonight in the ride home he tried to make small talk.. asked me if I wanted to go do dinner.. and I just was not having it. I was as nice as I could be and just smiled and nodded. I had to really restrain myself from being the nice person I usually am just because I didnt want him to think I was ok with being around him.. because I'm not...I don't want him in my life anymore.. I'm tired of him and the situation.. I cant wait until the end of May when my lease is up and I can get the fuck out of Ithaca and move on with my life.

I hate being angry and I hate having to push people out of my life. When I have had so much loss.. all I want is to bring people in... and I though he was finally someone I could keep in my life and that we actually had a future

and now we dont.. and I can't even have him as a friend because even THAT is too hard

I'll be interested to see if he says anything about the way I acted in the car. Part of the old me wishes he would and realize what an idiot he is for letting me go. But then the real me says that even if he did say that, which he wont, because 'hello - he doesnt love you'.. why would you want to go back with someone who obviously has issues with romantic relationnships? (um.. because I'm lonely and miss having someone around...)

ugh.. I could keep going in circles about this. I havent fallen apart of him since before he left for break back in mid-december... after our last 'hanging out' which turned in to flirting on both our parts (which he started) and ended up with me thinking 'he must like me still if he flirting'.. so I went for the kiss.. which he returned but then he quickly blamed on the wine we had had.

I know I just need to focus on myself but it's hard because I'm lonely in Ithaca.. yes I have a bunch of friends who support me and are there for me.. but they arent physically here for me. It's just me in Ithaca.. and until the end of May, I'm going to have to really work on being ok with that.

omg.. i need to stop complaining....

feeling kind of crazy

2009-01-27T15:24:00.002-05:00

I had just microwaved my soup here at work and one of the sales guys asked where a good place to get delivery from was..

I said.. OH! Theres this pizza place.. lets order something together! So we look at the menu and I even said outloud "i know i should eat my soup but this is emotional eating at its finest..'

Right before we called.. I snapped out of it and said that I should probably just eat my soup... so he just got something for him self

HOW CRAZY IS THAT! To have brought my lunch and just heated it up.. and just switch like that to not caring and eating for emotional reasons... it's nuts!

I feel very proud of myself for not going through with it.. but isn't it interesting how so easily we sabotage ourselves.. and knowingly!

I had to call the ex to get a ride home from work tonight... I really hated making that call...I don't know how I'm going to handle myself.. I feel very vulnerable right now.. I'm stressed about my car and work and I want nothing more than to be able to hang out and have fun... but I don't think we can be friends after ending our relationship.. ugh.. I hate this..This is just proof that I need to keep him out of my life.... that just calling him for a ride causes so much angst and upheaval of emotions...

I really want to eat crappy food right now.. i wish I had gone in on pizza for lunch.. i feel pathetic eating soup..

change is hard...

Gahhhh!!!!

2009-01-26T18:35:00.003-05:00

I don't need this stress/negativity right now!

I took my hyundai in (to a hyundai dealer shop.. mistake #1) this morning. If you've been following along.. you know my story.. It seemed like a very serious issue that I thought warranted a look at by an actual hyundai dealer shop...

Ends up being I am extremely low on transmission fluid and power steering fluid. Plus all the hoses for said fluids have leaks in them. I was lucky to get my car in when I did (yes this is true.. but I was obviously able to drive it down to the shop...)This all started because my check engine light kept coming on, and was showing a dealer code when I had my oil changed 2 weeks ago at Mobil 1 lube express.

The diagnostic alone cost $80. I asked if I could come pick it up and he laughed at me "no hon.. this car isnt going anywhere til its fixed.".. So.. what.. now I am forced to have it fixed there?!! When i dropped it off this morning I told them to just see what the issue was... not tear it apart in such a way that I was forced to have it repaired there.

I hate that I don't know enough about cars or auto repair.. I feel like this place is totally scamming me.

He said the transmission was, luckily, fine. I just need to replace the hoses... and how much will that all cost (plus labor and tax ofcourse)

$800

WHAT!!!!?!?!?!

Obviously I freaked.. I don't have that money... I asked if I could take it back.. I'd still have to pay the diagnostic obviously.. but should I have to pay for them taking it apart and putting it back together again.. IF THAT"S EVEN WHAT THEY DID?! He said they put more fluids in just to see if it worked.. I may have to call my ex (yes.. my only 'friend' in ithaca) to see if he will drive me down to see if it's even in the shop.. or is that illegal? I have my key to it..

either way..If I can just pay for the diagnostic and then take it across the street to an auto place I trust (like I shouldve in the first place).. then i will.

I contacted my boss at the summer camp I work at and he was able to advance me $800 of my summer pay.. I'm going to be working for nothing this summer.. gah.. But I need to not think about that now.. and worry about the summer later..

Does anyone know how to work with auto shops!? Is this right what they did? The guys at work all cringed when I said i took it to Hyundai.. so now I feel like an idiot too..

and on top of all that.. now I am carless for the week... can't go to the gym (i'd walk but its seriously zero right now)... can't go up to school to practice.. and am really really working on not slipping into negativity on this.

On the positive side.. at least my transmission is ok and its just a minor transmission thing... at least I was able to secure $800... at least I have a co-worker who can pick me up in the morning and drop me off after work... not going to the gym will free up time for me to catch up on other things I push off all week because I get home so late... Maybe it will be good to have a breather... Maybe I will take the time to do some pilates or yoga .. at least after I clean my bedroom.. which now I can do tonight.

I WILL NOT LET FOOD BE MY FIX-ALL!

Once again.. Food does not help with my money problems.. or my car problems... ANY problem

Thanks for reading.. and thanks also to those of you who gave me some soup spicing up advice!

2 food things

2009-01-26T13:00:00.002-05:00

The veggie/bean soup I made is so freakin' BLAND.
I'm food $ budgeted out.. so I can't run to the store to get anything to enhance it

What are so ways, if any, to make a bland soup more flavorful.

I added salt/pepper/oregeno/basil to the soup when cooking.. only used water, no broth.. which I think was my first mistake but boullion cubes are too salty and buying stock in a box seems rediculous.. any thoughts on how to add some flavor would be appreciated!

Second thing..
Grapes are freaking SWEET... as in 'wholy crap.. it tastes like i'm eating sugar'
Yes.. I know its fructose.. but I don't think I've ever really realized how sugary they taste... maybe my taste buds are waking up!

Meal plan for the Week!

2009-01-25T21:47:00.001-05:00

Week of January 25, 2009

Sunday

Left overs

Monday 1/26 – Friday 1/30 (B/S/L/S) (Cal/Carb/Fat/Prot)

Protein Shake w/pineapple cup and ½ cup frozen berries, ½ c soy milk, ½ c water, 1 tbsp natural pb (330/31/10/32)

1cup grapes, 4oz dannon yogurt, 6 almonds (178/33/4/5)

2 cups veggie-bean soup (261/51/1/15)

1 small apple, 1 string cheese, 6 almonds (185/18/10/9)

Dinner Options

Tofu stir-fry (broc/carrot or frozen mix bag) over basmati

Indian Vegetable Curry (zuchinni, garbanzo beans, onion, tomato, cauliflower, garam masala) over basmati

Quorn nuggets, spinach, couscous

Turkey meatballs, broc, ww pasta, ½ c pasta sauce

Black bean, corn, salsa Taco, broc

(Monday) Make (and eat) the veg curry Monday night, freeze the rest. Make 2 Cups of Rice

(Tuesday) Make (and eat) tofu stir fry Tuesday night

(Wed) Quorn Nuggets, Spinach, whole wheat CousCous (1/2 Cup)

(Thurs) Stir Fry left overs

(Friday) Curry Leftovers

(Sat) Taco Night!

Sunday – New Recipes/Cooking

If you fail to plan... you plan to Fail

2009-01-25T21:36:00.002-05:00

For the first time EVER I have made a menu plan for the week. I've even put it into sparkpeople for the week... at least up until Dinner.. I have to figure out calories and what not for those still.. but at least I know what I will be eating every day.

For someone who claims to like to be organized... this is organization beyond what I have ever done. I even cut up all my veggies for the week.. washed grapes and made individual servings. My yogurts are the dannon cups.. which I can't wait to get through because, Surprise Surprise! they are too sugary!

It may seem like a simple plan for the week.. but that's what works for me. I get home so late during the week that I really need the weekends to get ahead as much as possible. I also have a roommate and we eat dinner around the same time which also means we cook around the same time. I have issues sharing food, so no, I will not cook with her.. plus she doesn't eat what I eat..

Here is my weeks plan.. just for me to refer back to.. but If it helps you figure some things out.. that's great too!

Here's to an AWESOME week... I can feel it already! ; )

EDIT: I will be uploading another blog post about my meal plan as I have just learned you can upload from word to blogger.. Sweet!

The pros and cons of allowed splurges

2009-01-25T16:58:00.004-05:00

I've been thinking a lot about allowed splurges or binges. If one is eating on plan all week, 1 meal should be ok. It helps with cravings just knowing that there will be one meal that you can have whatever you want. Weight loss wise it also helps to trick the body into thinking its not dieting or going into starvation mode. This is all if your week is calorie controlled.

I eat between 1650 - 1850 calories a day. I work out at least 3 hours a week and am now starting to add in some weight training.

Today I had my '1 meal a week splurge'. This time it was nothing close to how I usually eat now. It was planned in a sense that I would allow myself a splurge lunch today. While walking around the grocery store my mind was everywhere... should I go for chinese, a pizza, a sub... what would make me happy

back up...

food makes me happy?

Here is where I start to think that mentally a food splurge is not a good idea... but I decide on a sub anyways.

this was my one meal a week splurge... a 7 inch sub from Wegmans.
3 meat, cheese, mayo, oil, lettuce, onion, olives.

a small bag of chipsa

22 oz diet pepsi

I realize I do not miss this kind of food and it's not a good 'splurge' for me. There was WAY too much meat... the soda (or maybe its the lack of water today!) has given me a headache. I have no energy.. I took a nap and still feel like crap and have a headache.

And to think this is how I used to always eat.

I realize that eating clean/healthier has actually changed my tastes. This is GOOD! I'm not using this splurge as a reward for anything... it's just there.

Do I need it then? If the non-healthy items I have on my splurge meal don't 'do it' for me anymore.. whats the point. Why not just eat a piece of chocolate and call it a day. These are things I'm still working through and on.

I see the merit in it all... I don't find myself craving much of anything during the week... and I'm not sure if it's because I'm eating clean or its because my brain knows I get one meal 'off'

I do know that soda is pointless.. even if it's diet. drinking that syrupy, sugar laden, 'DIET' drink was not anything I plan on doing again. I'll stick to water, thanks.

The doritos, however, I could've had a whole family size bag of them

the sub.. TOO much meat...and here I am working on being a vegetarian..

Here are some interesting links, worth a ponder

Tim Ferriss' 'lose 20lbs in 30 days' article.. take with a grain of salt.. but the notion of a one meal (or in his case, day) splurge is interesting

Animated Exercise Examples

a useful site to help you SEE how the weight machines and other weight lifting activities are done. while this does not replace working with a personal trainer... its a good reminder when/and if you can't work with one every time you do your weight training

What happens to your body when you drink a coke

a great reminder (not that I need it now!) as to why soda is BAD!!!

no back-sliding!

2009-01-24T21:10:00.003-05:00

I'm very tempted right now to ask the ex if he wants to go get some food... and by food I mean go to friendly's and eat tons of crap because that's what we used to do.

I'm actually sitting here, ready to forget all my past plans of action about eating as well as how I feel about him and our situation.

so I'm here to remind myself on where I am and WHY I do not want to revert back to my old self.

Yes.. I miss him terribly.. we were texting just now and I wouldn't come out and just ask him if he wanted to get food. One of my biggest issues with him and our past relationship was that I was always the one to initiate things.... I made the majority of the decision about what we do.. where we go.. and I am SICK of it. I promised myself when we parted a month ago (as friends... he was off on break from college and went home to Florida)... that I would give myself all my attention... That these next 4 months I am here in Ithaca.. that I would just FOCUS ON ME.. and If that meant we were no longer friends.. then that's what happens. I will not revert back to the old me just because I'm bored tonight.. or lonely ... and that's why I'm willing to sabotage myself and all the good changes I've made this past month while he was a way.

I need to really really stay strong on this... I decided a few weeks ago that unless he initiates hanging out.. then I will not be seeing him. I NEED this rule so I don't fall back into what I used to be. Yes.. It sucks that I have to conciously work at keeping someone out of my life for my health... but that's just it... If I can't be the best I am.. and be heathy in body AND MIND... then I can't have him in my life. And it's not that he is a horrible person.. that's part of my angst.. we do have fun hanging out and he is a genuinely nice, kind hearted, guy.. so it makes it hard for me to just push him away.

But my mental and physical health is priceless... I have done amazing things these past 4 weeks... Weigh loss is not just about losing pounds.. its about changing thoughts and ideas about food.. about exercise.. about relationships with food and people... EVERYTHING HAS TO CHANGE

This is hard for me because I don't like to ignore people or remove them from my life. A lot of that has to do with my fear of loss because of Losing my mom and dad 5 years ago. It's scary for me (and here come the tears.. so I know this is the reason... )

I don't like to let go of things.. whether it's people or food... Loss is hard for me to cope with and in the past I've tried to heal it with food as well as being in unhealthy, usually only sexual, relationships. They gave me a false sense of fulfilment...and made me feel like I wasn't alone when all they were really doing was masking my true feelings.

This past month has been huge on fixing these empty feelings. I have gained so much strength and positivity from accomplishing goals. I feel stronger from exercising ... stronger both physically but also mentally and emotionally. I have to be willing to let go of things/people that no longer help me to be this new, stronger, individual that I am becoming.

I LOVE how I am changing... I've been afraid to let this person out because it had always been easier NOT to think about it... CHANGE IS HARD.. and it was just easier to be fat and resigned to life and love. How sad is that?! I was fine with being mediocre and was just grateful to be loved.. even if I was loved by someone who only 'loved me' because I would sleep with them. My most recent ex, the one I speak of tonight.. loved me for more than just sex.. and he *did* help me realize I was worth more than just that... but he still wasnt quite what I wanted but I SETTLED because it was easier then pushing myself to be better and healthier.

I will not send another text back to him. If HE wants to initiate something.. I will consider it but know that deep down, I need to let go of him and just focus on myself. I have other support besides an ex that never truly loved me... I have friends in real life and here in blog land that support me and push me in the right ways... and want me to be the best I can be.

This is my time now... and no one elses...
This is my LIFE... and only I decided how it's run
My past does not define me... I define me

I'm going to go put all of todays food into sparkpeople to see where I am calorie wise... then make a healthy dinner... and then find something to take my mind of my past.. maybe I will catch up on this season of '24'.

and exhale... : )

Weigh-in Results and reflection

2009-01-24T09:56:00.003-05:00

only up 1lb... 224.4

and I am OK with this as I had expected it after last weeks 5lb loss! I know in my heart and mind that I was right on track this past week and that the scale number is NOTHING compared to all I have accomplished in eating, exercising and mental health!

This weekends goal is to get in 1 session of pilates or yoga and really try to get in to the gym to test out a Body Pump class.

I also need to cook for the week.. thinking of making a hearty vegetable-bean stew for lunches for next week.

I am changing my M-F evening schedule again. I'm going to check out a Body Pump class this weekend to see if I like it... if I do, then I will do Body Pump and Cardio on T/TH/S .. leaving M/W/F for practicing singing...and Sunday for an actual full day of rest. I asked my boss If I could leave at 5 M/W/F but will ask if I can do T/TH instead.. I think he will like that more anyways. No one comes in/calls between 5 and 5:30.. and I work through my hour lunch break..

Life is good... had a few dark days this week but I have moved passed them and am letting what happens happen. I will not stress on things I cannot change. My suv is going to the Hyundai shop monday morning before work to be looked at. If it's something that needs to be fixed (obviously!) and it's not a rediculous amount of $.. then I will find a way to make it happen. If it's a major repair, and costly.. I may have to find another way around things.. but I will cross that bridge when I get there!

I hope you all have a great day today!

Sparkpeople translation:

Personal improvement, whether it’s weight loss or skill building, is about creating or losing a habit. Still, somewhere along the way, it’s become an event. People diet until they lose 20 pounds – and then stop the smart eating and exercise that got them there. Once they reach their goal, they go back to the way they lived before and wonder why the weight comes back. For permanent change, habits need to stick around for the long run. In what way would you like to be excellent? What do people who are excellent in this way do on a regular basis? Can you do just one of those small things today? Of course one act does not build a foundation, but it does get you started. With repetition and time, that one action will seem more normal. Once it becomes a habit, it becomes part of who you are, and the transformation is complete.

Inspiration...

2009-01-23T23:03:00.003-05:00

I'm a week behind on the Biggest Loser because I do not have cable.. so i watch it online. I had to watch week two's episode twice because I felt so inspired by it and so much of what was said by the contestants and trainers just resonated so strongly with me.

You can watch this episode HERE on nbc.. it will be there until Jan. 28th

I do enjoy this show but does anyone else feel like this show has become way too scripted and is also using way too much product placement. I also hope that they have therapists on hand because that girl Joelle really needs to figure things out. I felt bad that Bob yelled at her... but.. she wasn't pushing herself.. and she was all talk... and as yoda says..

'Do or do not.. there is NO TRY'

I constantly work on eliminating that word from my vocabulary.. It's one of the top 5 things that keep me from being the best person I can be.

The following are not my words... they are the words of the contestants and trainers of the Biggest Loser 7 - week 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The hardest part is accountability .. it (weight loss) is up to me…no one else is going to do this for me"

Bob and Joelle's first talk: (these are all Bob's words below....)

The workouts are a component.. but you also need to focus on you.. getting you out of your comfort zone.

Are all your prayers going to be answered once you lose 100lbs?

What do you need to forgive… todays the day you need to forgiveyourself

Anytime you start feelin that fear..
welcome it..
hands up ..
eyes open..
'I welcome this'

Don’t give all that fear that power
It’s time for you to start seeing what you are capable of
You will come out of this victorious
I believe in you
You believe in you
And there’s no failure in that
(Bob on being afraid to Fail)

‘its not that you need someone to push you… YOU need to push YOU’

daughter: You sound different
Mom: I am… I’m becoming a different person And it FEELS GREAT

Dan runs for 7mph:
‘to feel my body moving that fast for the first time in a long time was a great feeling
It was terrifying
But it was a great great feeling to push myself like that'

Trust the process… change forever
~ Bob

motivation cycles

2009-01-23T16:54:00.003-05:00

I commented on a post by fellow blogger Tamzin and really liked what I said.. ha

so im copying and pasting just to have a reminder for myself!

If you get a moment.. head over to her blog to give a little support to a fellow blogger!
-------

My mood about weight loss and blogging goes in cycles/circles...

Sometimes I get really sick of counting calories, blogging about weight loss issues... but I just make myself do it because even if today I'm not feeling good about it.. I know that in a few days that cloud will lift and I'll be back into the game!

And that's why we are all here.. we can't all be perfect and 100% on top of things ALL the time.. so we pick up from other people when we are down and visa-versa.

I was miserable yesterday about it ALL.. and today I'm feeling much better and positive.. it just happens!

positive thinking and moving forward

2009-01-22T21:46:00.001-05:00

Sparkpeople Translation:

How many times has somebody told you to “think positively”? Easier said than done, right? But this truly can make a difference in your life. Focus on the good, and learn from the bad. You have the freedom and ability to choose your own attitude. What will you choose? Enthusiasm can carry you through a lot more than you think. Never just be satisfied with what you have, but keep working to achieve more. Set specific goals and work for them. After you have accomplished them, set new ones. Keep working to make yourself a better person.

not impressed

2009-01-22T19:13:00.003-05:00

with myself!

I overate at dinner. I'd call it a binge but it was all healthy food although it was not in moderation for sure.

I think I was trying to make up for calories. I had my regular protein shake/smoothie this am... didn't have time for my mid morning snack.. lunch was couscous and veggies/beans... I also had baby carrots and hummus.. but I'm getting sick of carrots and the hummus I got was nasty.. that's what I get for buying cheap hummus I guess.

I had 3 cups of coffee today too.. with splenda and non-dairy creamer
I only drank about half of my big water bottle at work

then i came home starving.. so I doubled my dinner portion... instead of 6 turkey meatballs.. I had 12... I had 1 portion of whole wheat pasta.. a cup of steamed broc and carrots (the carrots I couldn't eat at lunch).. then decided to double my portion of spaghetti sauce .. then.. I needed something to soak up all that spaghetti sauce.. so I grabbed a piece of whole grain bread and put a little dab of real butter on it.

I felt a little out of control for sure. I was eating fast and just stuffing it all in my mouth like I had never had pasta or bread before. I am by no means on a low carb diet either. I just needed to stuff myself I guess.

I know why too --- pretty stressful week and I am just getting tired. I keep it in the back of my mind that this is usually the week people start falling of diets... and I really don't want to be a part of that statistic.. I just need to get through the rest of this week and re-focus myself this weekend.

I'm getting much much better about emotional eating for sure. And while my water intake has been iffy this week.. I have managed to stay within my daily calorie goals for the most part. Who knows what saturday morning WI will bring. I'm actually half expecting a gain.. and only because the week before I lost 5lbs...and I've also been stressed/down this week... and when you are down.. your body usually holds onto the weight.. or at least I've notice that that has happened for me.

how many times can I say it .. and why can't I take my own advice...

ONE DAY AT A TIME

tomorrow I will drink all my water.. I have cardio and will do my first weight session.. I will eat more protein instead of carbs and find new snacks since carrots/hummus is boring now.

I will not let this one day diminish the past 3 weeks accomplishments.

I will go back and re-read my old posts where I was really motivated and determined just to remind myself that I actually can be that person.

I will move forward, always with an eye on the past but never letting the past take me down...

this is a heavy weight...

2009-01-21T22:26:00.002-05:00

I'm realy struggling tonight. I had a stressful day at work with meetings and trying to catch up on yesterday work that I missed because of training at another radio station. Plus the vibe at work is very negative.. a lot of angry people and back talk/gossip that I am really trying to stay out of.

I'm also still stuck in the auto finance mess. Day 2 of working with the Hyundai dealer (this after getting treated bad and then not financed at Nissan).. still no banks stepping up to help me. I can't blame them.. My credit isn't the best.. I have a ton of student loan debt... I'm barely making enough to survive and have only been at this job for 2 months anyways. Hyundai called today to let me know they are not having luck and if I had any luck finding of cosigner. Ofcourse I havent... since I wont ask anyone.. I'm not putting what little relationships I have in jeopardy. And it's not that I think I will default. I have been successfully paying a monthly payment on this car loan I have now for the past 3 years.

I emailed my uncle.. my late mothers brother.. just for advice on where to go now. I said flat out that I was not asking him and his wife to cosign for me.. but that I just needed an adult opinion (and while I didn't state the obvious to them)... an opinion because I have no mother or father or really any adult figures to go to.

I ofcourse broke down for the first time in 09 about missing my mom and dad.. and being angry that they aren't around to help me with this (not blaming them).. and now I'm just really really sad.. which I don't like becuase I have been really really happy and positive up until the past few days.

I went to the gym today.. but only walked for 30 minutes... I think my shoes are too small as the back of my heal now has blisters. I don't have $ for new shoes.. so I need to dig through my closet.. I think I have a pair of new balance in there that I haven't used much.

Since I only did 30 minutes.. I decided to talk to a personal trainer.. just to show me what machines I should use to get started on a basic weight routine. I gave me new confidence in personal trainers. He was not pushy, he understood my fears and concerns and told me flat out that there was no reason to use half the machines in the building... to just focus on the basics and don't be afraid of other people watching you. He agreed with my saying that because I'm doing walking and jogging, that going nuts with lower body machines isn't necessary. He strongly suggested just doing squats with my body weight.. maybe touch on the leg curl/extension and the leg ad/abduction machines. As for upper body.. chest press, row, and pull down... free weights for biceps/triceps. As for abs.. I mentioned I had done pilates and yoga in the past and may stick to that for my core strengthening. He 100% agreed, saying that doing crunches is only good for helping you do more crunches and that pilates/yoga are what you need to do to strengthen the core.

I felt a lot better after just talking with him. I've used all these machines before but just wanted confirmation on what I should do to get started and focus on the main muscle groups. As I progress and feel the need to get more serious about weight training, i will ofcourse get a more specifc program in place.

I have decided to do this after my cardio. This means I may need to make cardio for 30 minutes unless I want to spend an hour and a half at the gym.. and that all depends on if I can get out of work at 5 or not. I did ask my boss if I could leave at 5 instead of 530 since I am not going out to lunch and only taking about 20 minutes of my hour break to eat.. and that at my desk doing work! He agreed to give it a try.. so M/W/F I am allowed to leave at 5 if I am all caught up and nothing else is pressing.

And, once again, I feel much calmer after taking the time to write this all out. I swear blogging is the cheapest therapy invented.

Off to fold laundry and go to bed. I pray my mind will shut up tonight so I can sleep.

just putting it out there...

2009-01-20T22:18:00.003-05:00

.....out to the universe to let it do what it want's with it
(yes, I believe in the law of attraction!)

I want to be 220 by the first full week of February!

that's 11 days ... and 3.4 lbs

You put your mind to it... and anything is possible!

Kindda down tonight..

2009-01-20T20:29:00.003-05:00

so let's figure out why...

I didn't get financed for the Murano. This after dealing with a really crappy sales guy who had no clue and no customer service skills.. I was pretty annoyed about that. I went to the Hyundai dealer tonight.. told him my story and he took all my info to see what he could do. I currently own a hyundai..so there is the incentives for that. He heavily suggested a co-signer to help things and asked 'what about mom and dad?'

I hate this question...and can only brush it off casually so much.. so I just said right out.. "my mom and dad both passed away a few years ago... and my sister is out in Portland... so no.. there really is no one around to help co-sign'

insert awkward fumbling of words by sales guy

Overall I don't mind telling people about this...as long as I know them (Karen - you are FINE!!!).. I think I'm just annoyed with the car buying process and frustrated with the $ issue of it all. I can't ask any of my friends to co-sign.. we are all in financial submarines.. and we all are struggling (or sinking, to go along with the submarine analogy!). I just started my new job.. and don't think I could ever ask my boss anyways.. thats just weird.. and other relatives.. I just dont feel *that* close to to be asking for a co-sign. My best friend Eva co-signed for one of my student loans and I feel so guilty having her on there.. especially since I have to keep deffering that loan and they bug her about it. I just dont like having to tie someone in to my mess.. and not that I'm not able to make monthy car payments now.. I do $320 a month now.. I just get nervous with $ I guess.

So..Hyundai is going to see what they can get me in to.. even if its not an suv, which I would prefer..I haven't felt safe in a car since my car accident back in 2003.. I like to be higher up and off the ground! Ofcourse when the dealer drove my car he didnt get the crazy shifting/bucking issue that I keep having.. why does it always work like that?!

Anyways.. So that's been bugging me today...

I was also doing training or "remedial help" as I call it.. at another radio station today. The girl who trained me 2 months ago is Prego and due on Feb 5th..so i wanted to just sit down with her and review things and fix errors and just make sure I'm doing the right things.. so that was stressful..

Plus I'm cold and tired from driving for 2 hours

and.. I didn't get my regular snacks and lunch in

I went out for lunch today.. to a mexican restaurant. Now.. I am actually ok with this since I told myself I would alow 1 meal a week to be "off plan".. I had a chicken burrito, which ofcourse had cheese on top.. could I have asked for no cheese?.. sure.. but I decided not to. The burrito came with beans and rice. But then there was my downfall.. the CHIPS AND SALSA. Chips, salsa, and I are good friends.. we go way back... but they are a trigger food and I had to kick them out of the house. But.. I did say that I get one meal a week to eat what and how I want.. So.. todays lunch.. which was close to a days worth of calories in that one meal... Was just ONE MEAL out of this week.

I came home and made eggs and toast.. filled my water bottle up (also something i was lacking on today.. ).. and came up to my room to read and relax.

I actually feel better having just "said" all this.. writting is such a powerful tool for me and sometimes the best way for me to express my self.

I will not let this day ruin my week. I know that once you fall off.. you have to get right back on.. and I did that with my portion controlled dinner. The old me would've said "F*ck it!.. I'm going to go get some chinese take out because today SUCKED'... but not the new me..

The new me knows what I can achieve now.. it knows that one meal will not break me.. It knows that Food will not help me with my $ issues.. It will not help me be happy and It will not fix anything.. its just food... there to provide NUTRITION.. and thats it.

I hope you all had a great day! I'm off to watch Obama's inaguration that I had to miss because I actually had to do work.. boo hoo!

ok.. done ranting/whinning/complaining/making excusses

Got a minute?

2009-01-19T16:43:00.002-05:00

The following is not my own work -- It is by Linda Spangle.. author or "100 days of weight loss' and ' Life is Hard, Food is easy' .. Both EXCELLENT books to help you stay focused. I'm currently re-working through '100 days' and it's a nice reminder of what I need to do to get this done once and for all!

It's a little long but SO WORTH IT!
___________________________________________________________________

Got a minute? That's long enough to renew your focus
The Wt. Loss Minute By Linda Spangle, RN, MAAuthor: 100 Days of Weight Losswww.WeightLossJoy.com

(Be sure to read the GREAT NEWS about changes in thisezine, then pass this on to everyone you know who struggleswith weight loss. See end of today's ezine for the specialannouncement!)

Great idea: Keep going with your program, day after dayafter day...

Today will decide whether you make it or not. In fact,today represents a critical turning point in yourweight-loss success.

The reason? Most people average just three to four weeks ona diet before they fall off the wagon. So for all of youwho started a weight-loss program around the first ofJanuary, this is diet drop-out week!

You've probably been through this before. When you firststart a new diet, you feel strong, motivated and determined that you will reach your goal. For the first few weeks,everything goes well. You meticulously count food points,drink your nutritional shakes or write down everything you eat.

But real life didn't change just because you went on a diet. People still bring cookies to work and invite you to birthday parties or happy hour. Others entice you to share a dessert. And somewhere between week three and four,there's a good chance you'll start to weaken.

Perhaps you'll get tired of planning and recording. Or you'll get side-tracked by stress, fatigue or work challenges. Next thing you know, you'll give into temptation and eat six cookies or have a couple glassesof wine.

In reality, falling off your diet isn't the end of theworld. Unless--you can't get back on it again. That's what makes this such a critical point in your weight-loss plan.What you do this week can affect the outcome of the entireyear ahead.

Here are three important steps to put in place immediately:

1. Remember WHY...
To strengthen your motivation, review all the reasons WHYyou want to lose or maintain your weight. Make sure you have a list of at least ten outcomes you want so badly-things such as feel better, have more energy, wear nicer clothes, have less back and knee pain, and sit in a theaterseat comfortably.

If you're feeling really bold, add ten more things such as wear a bathing suit without feeling embarrassed,participate in a yoga class, run a 5K race. Read your list often, perhaps daily, over the next few weeks.

Anytime you're tempted to let up on your program, go backto the list and remind yourself, 'THIS is why I'm doing this diet/exercise program. And because these things are important to me, I'll keep going with my efforts,'

2. Go back to what works

When you first started your diet plan, what helped you make it work? What tricks did you use to drink enough water or avoid food temptations? Was there a certain time of day that you did your exercise? Make a list of things that contributed to your ability to stay on track. Then put these ideas back in place and use them to make your program successful again.

3. Keep going, day after day after day...!

Success requires staying on your program day after day after day. Any time you're tempted to give up on your dieting efforts, think about how much progress you've made so far. Then tell yourself that all you have to do is complete one more day.

Make a sign that says:

DON'T STOP NOW! Just do one more day!

Post copies on the refrigerator, your computer, in your car, and anywhere else where it will help your focus. Use this reminder to help you push through fatigue,discouragement, and motivation struggles. Every day on the path is a day closer to your goals!

Exciting news! Tell all your friends!!!
Beginning in February, I will begin a new ezine theme based on my best-selling book, 'Life is Hard, Food is Easy.' Overthe course of this next year, I will cover most of the content of this book by summarizing it in my weekly ezine.

You don't need to buy the book or spend time reading the entire text (unless you want to.) Instead, you'll be ableto use my ezine as a weekly learning tool. I'll becovering all the important lessons from the book,including:

* 5 Steps to conquering emotional eating* Ways to routinely boost motivation and keep it strong* How to prevent sabotage, from others as well as yourself* Move past the barriers that keep getting in your way* Heal tough emotions such as grief, anger and depression

Pass it on!
Forward this ezine to everyone you know who struggles with weight loss. They won't want to miss this great year of book excerpts as well as input and advice.

They can sign up for the Wt. Loss Minute newsletter by going here:
http://www.weightlossjoy.com/ezine/

Previous issues:http://www.rapidwtloss.com/index.php?page_id=289
Copyright Linda Spangle, 2009. #0119, Weight Loss for Life, Inc.

5023 W. 120th Ave. #183, Broomfield, CO 80020Contact: Linda@WeightLossJoy.com www.weightlossjoy.com303-452-1545 or 1-800-298-3020

Clean eating, eating cheap, and compromises

2009-01-19T11:56:00.004-05:00

I've been wanting to write about this for awhile as I'm sure it effects others. I am on a limited budget and only have about $80 every 2 weeks to buy groceries AND get gas for my car. Luckily I live 2 minutes from work.. and really.. if it wasn't so cold, I could walk. I'm very grateful for that because it gives me a little more $ for food.

When you start out on eating clean a lot of purchases have to be reconsidered. Gone are the days where buying groceries is something that can be done quick. I spent 2 HOURS yesterday at 2 different stores getting what is hopefully 2 weeks work of groceries (minus some fresh fruit/veg come next week). I took my time looking at the ingredient of each item. I shopped at a discount grocery store called Aldi's. It's not that I haven't known about them.. I just never thought I could find clean items... boy was I wrong. A 12oz bag of unsalted almonds for $3.49.. score! Other stores sell for $3.99 - $4.99. Baby carrots.. .95 cents for a 12oz bag.. I bought 2 and thats even cheaper than the deal over at Tops for 2 for $3.

As much as I feel degraded for having less then before.. I am hopeful now and inspired to make this work for me.

Am I eating 100% clean?.. no.. and I'm ok with that.

I bought a case of dannon light and fit yogurts (12 containers) for $5.50, and while I couldve saved a little by buying the big containers of yougurt (and have it be a little cleaner).. I decided to go for ease of use. If it's not going to be something quick I can grab.. and I have to sit there and divy out portions.. I wont do it. Is it an eat-clean end of the world? No.. because overall I'm eating healthier than ever AND It's helping with my mental sanity.

I don't think eating clean is any more expensive than what I was previously shopping for. I find good deals on proteins... and even though eating beans that are canned is not the best.. It's the quickest for me right now.. so that's what I do. I'll take convenience over price if that's what's goign to help me to stay on track.

Are you saving or spending since chosing to eat healthier or clean? How do you stretch your food purchases.

hey there!

2009-01-18T22:27:00.002-05:00

Wow.. what a crazy weekend! Where to begin?!

Friday -
Was dragging at work and ended up having 2 cups of coffee. I don't normally drink coffee.. so needless to say, i was wired... which is what I think led to having tons of energy for my awesome walk.. even sustained walking at 3.3mph..

It may have also kept my mind running too much.. but it also could have been just all the positive energy and excitement running through me as of late. I just could not sleep friday night.. lots of positive thinking.. thinking about food/eating, exercise, singing, career goals, and about getting a new car..

Saturday-
I had to go car shopping... and not by choice. I'm driving a 2002 Huyndai Santa Fe.. which i LOVE.. but its old and is having gear shift issues (not good).. and I'm tired of putting money into it so Thursday night after driving home because of the gear issues instead of going to the gym.. I researched what was out there. I found a Nissan Murano '06 that looked good so I put in a request online and got a call back not 3 minutes to set up a viewing. Saturday I checked it out and let me just say.. I don't know who I am anymore.. I didn't back down or anything! I felt very in control and calm.. I knew what I wanted and wouldn't budge. I want to keep my monthly payment around the same as it is now.. and they started way high and I was like.. "when I say I want X amount.. I really meant it." I also kept playing the "well.. I guess I will go look at another dealer - who i had said I would stop in to see today".. Back and forth a lot with the sales guy and finance dept... I got it down to where I wanted the monthly to be... I took it for another drive just to be sure it felt right.. I decided to take the offer. Unfortunately, banks were closed.. so I wont know until monday if I've been financed. I worry about this becuase of my credit score being so low.. and I do have a lot of debt.. but I feel if it's meant to be it will be. I would prefer not to keep driving this Santa Fe as it is not in the best condition... and I really don't have the $ to fix it. Keep fingers/toes/eyes crossed that I hear good news tomorrow! Then I can be really excited about it.. I've been staying calm so as not to get my hopes up.

Sunday-
Pretty laid back. I had intentions to go to the gym at least once this weekend but that did not happen. I think i am ok with just going during the week now. I really don't have time during the week to do the house chores and what not.. so I'll keep my weekends for chores like grocery shopping and cleaning/organizing.... which I FINALLY decluttered my desk and am in the process of cleaning out files... I need to figure out what paperwork needs to be saved for tax (and non-tax) pourposes...

I'm feeling great about my weightloss and eating. I may not be 100% on eating clean.. but thats ok.. no one needs to be perfect. I may be doing a post on eating clean and tight budgets this week if I have time..

Have a great week everyone and I will update when I can.. Life is becoming more full and exciting, but I will try to catch up with you all as much as I can!!

Holy Crap(?)!!!!

2009-01-17T08:48:00.003-05:00

And no.. not that kind of crap, Tamzin!

WI this morning...

DOWN 5.4 lbs

Wiggley WHA?!!

Yeah.. no joke.. I have never in my LIFE lost that much in a week... and while I know that weight is not the over all determining factor of where we stand in weight loss.. I *DO* feel thinner..and clothes are feeling loose... so.. More on that later

I have a crazy day ahead of me and had a crazy night last night! So many ideas flying through my head and SO much I want to blog about this weekend but It will have to wait..

I have to go look for a new car today.. not by choice..more by necessity.. It's not the best time for me to being doing so.. but my santa fe is not a happy suv anymore and I refuse to put anymore $ into a 2002. So.... off I go today to see what I can get. I'm working 2 different dealers and plan to be a strong ass woman today and stick to my guns... but please to still think positive thoughts and send them my way... I will update tonight

Life is E'ffing amazing right now... my best to you all.. have a great day! and I will be back tonight!!!

still here!

2009-01-17T00:28:00.003-05:00

I took a break Thursday and I guess I needed it because Friday hit and now I'm going a mile a minute with tons of awesomeness. Busy girl this weekend but will update ASAP! WI is tomorrow.. so i should be around tomorrow afternoon/night to update on all thats going on!

PMS and metabolism

2009-01-14T22:23:00.003-05:00

all I have to say is... #2 ladies... number FREAKIN' 2!!

(and no, Tamzin, not *that* #2! )

http://astrology.yahoo.com/channel/health/3-common-metabolism-myths-257496/

legit or not.. I knew I had heard this somehwere
No wonder I'm so hungry today... I wan't to eat and eat and eat!

When PMS attacks!! Next on FOX!

2009-01-14T20:51:00.003-05:00

Seriously! All over the place today.. crazy happy one moment and crying the next. Don't ya love it.. No?? Me either!!

Anyways.. stressy moments at work.. but luckily I had my lunch and snacks prepared and with me. Thank god we finally got a fridge in our new office. I'm the only one that uses it. I'd hate to be a sales person and always be on the road. I suppose If I was.. Id still bring my lunch and snacks with me in a cooler because that's what ya gotta do to get it done!

I had a war with myself about the gym today. I'm cranky/tired and very PMS'y and at the height of my weekly (sorry boys..TMI.. I know!).. so I thought.. "Hey.. it's been a rough day.. you are tired.. your body probably needs a break.. "

BLAH
BLAH
BLAH

I had to yell at myself in the car to not sabotage myself and make all these excusses for the gym. I decided to go to the gym and at least do 30 minutes. If you still aren't into it 100%.. then you can stop.

So that's what I did. And while I ended up only doing the 30 minutes

AT LEAST I WENT

That's more than half the battle in my book.

I came home after.. made my healthy dinner (chicken, rice and veg with some lite soy sauce)
Got a big glass of water and sat down to catch up on the first week of the biggest loser.

I could write a whole post about that show... and while I HATE that it's based on elimination.. this season has some really amazing people on it. I love listening to their "ah-ha" moments... because I've had a lot of those same thoughts and ideas myself! This show is always eye opening.. especially in the first few weeks. I have to watch it online.. so I get it a week after it was on tv.. but thats ok... I like the inspirations even if its a week late!

Watching these people push themselves really makes me realize how much I am NOT pushing myself... granted.. they are supervised by Doctors and all that... but there's no reason why I can't walk .. or even JOG.. faster then 3.0mph. That's really a big portion of the show this season... doing it for yourself, on you own, at home. It will be interesting to see how it works out in the end. I KNOW I can do more... I freakin' JOGGED yesterday...I need to keep a mini-Jillian in my pocket or on my shoulder... or at least keep the people of biggest loser on my mind while I'm trying to wimp out!

Has anyone tired the Biggest Loser workout dvds? I just got the sculpting one today from Netflix. I will have to give it a go this weekend and give a review about it. I will, however, be meeting with a trainer on monday to go over all the weight machines in the gym... and now that MizFit knows I'm doing it.. now I REALLY need to follow through or she will kick my butt! ; )

Thanks always to everyone who comments and/or adds me to their watch lists. It's neat knowing that my thoughts and actions can inspire someone else! I try to get to everyone's page to catch up and even If I don't get a moment to write.. know that you all are on my mind and keep me going!

Take care and have a great day tomorrow!