Thursday, November 13, 2008

This has nothing to do with Weight loss.. but I need to write...

So.. I didn't hear from Carol about our lesson until 6:30.. she said if I still wanted a lesson, to give her call. If ONLY she had said a definet YES.. lesson at 8.. see you then.. I wouldnt have done what I did.. which was to ignore the email.. and come up with excuses for not going..

I have some strange feeling that she is going to be angry with me... I feel so anxious about going back to study with her. I think I just am giving up to be honest. Why keep studying if it's not going to go anywhere.. If Im going to resign myself to being a public school teacher.. why keep studying

then there's the whole being a music teacher. While I do like teaching - at least elementary.. I just do not LOVE it.. and Im only looking at going back into it because it pays well and I have to pay off all this student loan debt.

I hate this feeling... I hate myself for ditching on this lesson. ofCOURSE I want a lesson.. but why can't I face it/my teacher. What the fuck is wrong with me. This is supposed to be something I love and that I can't imagine not doing.. yet.. here I am .. not doing anything about it.

I dont love teaching.. I dont even think I love singing.. I just like it... just like with weight loss.. its just something I am interested in.. not really committed. I don't know what I am doing with my life.. I feel like I have no direction.. nothing to work for.. and all I see is this huge pile of debt thats going to control my choices for the rest of my life.

I've spent my whole life doing music... and I don't intend to give it up.. I just need to find something thats going to make me happy. There was an ad on the Washington National Opera website for a job opening - doing ticket sales for the opera.. If I could find a music biz job like that.. suppliment with teaching lessons on the side.. and it made me enough to pay bills and live.. I would take it in a heart beat... but DC is so expensive.. I don't know how I would make it.. I guess Im just hoping to be able to find a community college job... and I'll look for those in metropolitain areas...and look for elem. music jobs.. but I really feel like I'm just giving up with those jobs.. I hate it. I have a lot of soul searching to do...

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