Friday, January 30, 2009

Mental health day

Yesterday I was feeling dizzy and a really bad headache...and the light outside was blinding me. This is is pretty easy since my office has a full wall of just window. Great view.. but man it hurt my head.

I did all my work for friday and the weekend yesterday, after my boss approved a 'sick day'. I think a lot of it is just stress but I still do have a bit of headache.. maybe it's just sinus pressure.

Anyways.. slept in til 10:30 today. Plans to clean my bedroom today, pick up my suv, and go to the gym.

My car was actually ready on Wed. I asked if i could post date a check because i would have the money until Friday.. they said no. I got angry, which didn't help with how i was feeling yesterday. My paycheck is direct deposited, and is in there now.. so I will be getting a ride down to the shop to pick it up this afternoon.

I've never considered myself and angry person. I'm pretty good about turning the negatives to positives.. but this week was a true test. It made me think more seriously about stress management... mainly meditation and yoga. I tend to avoid yoga/meditation because it is too 'new age-y' to me.. which is rediculous.. but it just stems from my practical nature I guess.
I will work on incorporating meditation into my life.. even if it's only a few minutes at a time. Just to have a moment of stillness and quite to refocus myself ... that would be a great thing. (thanks MizFit for the post on meditation this week!)

I'm glad I was able to take today off.. My life kind of slipped down a slippery slope this week but today I feel like I'm getting back to a better place and can really get back on track. Once i pick up my car today I will leave all that negative energy about that situation there.. I will not bring it home with me. What's done is done.. move on.

This weekend will be devoted to cleaning and reorganizing. My eating clean has slipped a bit.. I'm letting too much sugar and non-clean items into my diet. My yoplait yogurt is all gone.. (I feel guilty throwing it out...). I need to decide if yoghurt and cheese are things I want to keep around.... and eggs... as i was making a fried egg this morning the realization that that is an embryo and couldve been a living creature kind of hit home. I have been keeping meat out of my diet.. and have been eating Vegetarian for the past 5 months (with a few relapses here and there!)...but now I'm not sure eggs are going to stay. Need to review my diet this weekend.

Lots to do this weekend... and I've decided to move my weigh in to Monday moring so i stay on track better on the weekend... although.. I've even been wondering if using a scale weekly is worth it... the way our weights fluctuate so much... plus I've started doing weight training ((and am VERY tempted to do a BodyPump class for a real challenge -- and for something that will push me outside my comfort zone). I may after this next weigh in switch to MONTHLY weigh in's... sounds scary... but seeing the scale go up and down so much is annoying... and as long as I am counting my calories (i use sparkpeople every day).. and know I am doing everything right.. then why NOT just weigh once a month.. save myself some stress.

Have a great weekend everyone.. I'll try to check in at some point!

Thursday, January 29, 2009

In the News -

Great article from the Sparkblog this morning.

Do you know what's in your food? Maybe you are aware of all the extra sugars.. and High Fructose Corn Syrup (HFCS)... but are you aware of the MERCURY in the HFCS?!!


I've already started eliminating processed foods and extra sugars because of my Clean Eating way of life (which I really need to tighten up...but that's another post!), but I realize after reading that article that there are still ways I can do better... like not buying pre packaged yogurts...

Worth a look into if you are concerned about whats going into your body...

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

5 Surprising Reasons You're Gaining Weight

Found a great article on here is the LINK... for all of us who try to figure out why we gained when we know we did everything we could...

It includes some great advice, such as what is copied below.. check it out!

2. You May Be Gaining Weight Because of Stress

We live in a society that demands we do more, be more and achieve more. Stress moves us forward and helps cope with life's demands, but it also affects our mood and emotions.

"Stress response, whether it is 'fight-or-flight,' juggling too many responsibilities or coping with financial pressures, triggers a biochemical process where our bodies
go into survival mode," explains May. "Our bodies store fuel, slow down
metabolism and dump out chemicals [cortisol, leptin and other hormones] which
are more likely to cause … obesity in the abdominal region."

Just for Today...

I don't know how I came across this Dear Abby article.. it's a new years themed 'live for today' and 'you can do something for at least one day'.. kind of post..

check it out here... I've also posted a bit of it here just for quick reference.. but there is more to her article....nice way to refocus.

I did not write the following.. it is a Dear Abby creation.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will live through this day only. I will not brood about yesterday or obsess about tomorrow. I will not set far-reaching goals or try to overcome all of my problems at once. I know that I can do something for 24 hours that would overwhelm me if I had to keep it up for a lifetime.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will be happy. I will not dwell on thoughts that depress me. If my mind fills with clouds, I will chase them away and fill it with sunshine.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will accept what is. I will face reality. I will correct those things that I can correct and accept those I cannot.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will improve my mind. I will read something that requires effort, thought and concentration. I will not be a mental loafer.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will make a conscious effort to be agreeable. I will be kind and courteous to those who cross my path, and I'll not speak ill of others. I'll improve my appearance, speak softly, and not interrupt when someone else is talking. Just for today, I'll refrain from improving anybody but myself.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will do something positive to improve my health. If I'm a smoker, I'll quit. If I'm overweight, I'll eat healthily -- if only just for today. And not only that, I'll get off the couch and take a brisk walk, even if it's only around the block.

JUST FOR TODAY, I will gather the courage to do what is right and take responsibility for my own actions

it's a new day

Had a little bump in the road yesterday and life sure is throwing a lot challenges my way this week.. BUT.. after giving myself last night to mope and be sad about it all.. I am now ready to get back up and fight.

I will be making a list of reason why I am working on myself.. a list of all the positive things going my way... and while I acknowledge that I have challenges to deal with (don't we all).. I will not let those 'challenges' bring me down.

Yesterday's post(s) reminded me of my old self.. the girl who would give up and give in to things/people that were not good for her. I am not that person anymore and will not let all this good that I've accomplished just disappear becuase 'it's too hard'

Tuesday, January 27, 2009


I think I'm just really down all around ... what with having to call on my ex for help (See previous post)...being stressed at work...and because of my car.. and not having that until (hopefully) friday.. so I have no way to get to the gym.. which also depresses me because I was doing SO well.. and now I have a whole week of no gym.. I'm still eating ok.. I am getting lax.. and have little motivation to be accountable.. also tried to do some emotional eating tonight... wasnt happy with the meal i had planned so I put it back in the fridge and made a tuna sandwich .. which also didnt make me happy, so i threw the rest of that out and thought that maybe a PB sandwich would make me happy...and then it clicked.. FOOD DOES NOT DO THAT.. so I didn't go for the sandwich.. and came here to write instead... (hence the long ass post about relationships... )

I know what I need to do to get my health and weight issues moving in the right direction.. it's just really hard for me today and after all the progress I made I hate to see myself slip even the tiniest

I'm talking in circles.. I'm sorry if all my posts today seem crazy.. I'm just rambling now and dumping it all here.. read if you want but really I just needed to clear my head...

one day at a time ... Relationships

This post has nothing to do with weight loss and should really belong in a personal journal but I started it and I'm hoping some of you ladies (or guys) can just tell me I'm doing the right thing here because My heart and mind are at war...

I am on a downward spiral tonight.
I had to as the ex for a ride home from work since no one in the office was around to help me out. I regretted asking immediately. I have been SO strong with keeping him out of my life this past month. Granted - him being away on winter break helped. I was really able to just focus on me and It really did amazing things for me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

That all ended after a simple phone call.

I know I had no other options.. but I'm mad at myself for having to bring him back into my life. I'm sure he thinks that I must be ok with being friends with him because I asked for help. and that is SO far from the truth.

While walking out to his car after work I had to tell myself to be cold.. to not give in to anything... and it's not like he is a manipulative person..I still just miss him so freaking much.. I miss having someone to talk to and just be with. We tried to be friends after the break up in August.. and it worked for the most part. I can't just forget what we had though... I don't know how he can act like we never dated and that everything is ok. He doesnt understand how I can't just be friends.

God i was so cold in the car to him.. I HATE that.. I am not a cold person.. I loved this guy... I fucking MOVED back to Ithaca for him! I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him.. and I thought he was on the same page!

I think what bugs me the most is how we never really closed the relationship.. we just went into being friends (well.. after a month of not speaking). There is so much left between us that is unanswered.. I guess at least for me.

He ended it because he realized he didn't 'love me anymore'.... I'm sorry.. but we just spent the past year pretty darn happy.. talking about our futures together.. buying a house... we went to a wedding in July and he seemed perfectly happy. I moved back to Ithaca in August and 3 days later he tells me he doesnt love me and we should end things.

My whole world just crashed down around me.. He later tells me that he thinks we should never have gotten together in the first place.... So what.. this past year meant nothing?! "no" he says " it meant something at the time"... well obviously not if you thought we shouldnt have been together in the first place..

I want to know why the hell he wasted my time.. and what moment in time did he decide we shouldnt be together.. because frankly.. he seemed pretty fucking happy up until I moved back.

I still think to this day that he just didn't want to hurt me.. so he kept at it.. stringing me a long while he figured out his own feelings and (lack of) emotions. He's a coward and is afraid to commit and actually be in a relationship.

I dont know.. I just wish I knew why he ended it.. 'i dont love you anymore' just doesnt cut it for me.. its too broad.. I need specifics I guess.. I mean we've known eachother for 2 years... it's not like we didn't have things in common.. we were on the same page goal and career-wise... and up until he dumped me , I was under the impression that things were really great between us.

Boy was I wrong...

I still have moments of feeling like an idiot for loving him so much... and that just SUCKS. I have a lot of resentment towards him... while he didn't ask me to move back here for him.. he was happy that we would now be in the same city... we had been driving almost an hour to see eachother last year. And now I'm here.. alone and angry... and he wants to be friends and act like nothing happend... and still treat me how he treated me, and do the same things we did... when we were a couple... I just cant do it.

Tonight in the ride home he tried to make small talk.. asked me if I wanted to go do dinner.. and I just was not having it. I was as nice as I could be and just smiled and nodded. I had to really restrain myself from being the nice person I usually am just because I didnt want him to think I was ok with being around him.. because I'm not...I don't want him in my life anymore.. I'm tired of him and the situation.. I cant wait until the end of May when my lease is up and I can get the fuck out of Ithaca and move on with my life.

I hate being angry and I hate having to push people out of my life. When I have had so much loss.. all I want is to bring people in... and I though he was finally someone I could keep in my life and that we actually had a future

and now we dont.. and I can't even have him as a friend because even THAT is too hard

I'll be interested to see if he says anything about the way I acted in the car. Part of the old me wishes he would and realize what an idiot he is for letting me go. But then the real me says that even if he did say that, which he wont, because 'hello - he doesnt love you'.. why would you want to go back with someone who obviously has issues with romantic relationnships? (um.. because I'm lonely and miss having someone around...)

ugh.. I could keep going in circles about this. I havent fallen apart of him since before he left for break back in mid-december... after our last 'hanging out' which turned in to flirting on both our parts (which he started) and ended up with me thinking 'he must like me still if he flirting'.. so I went for the kiss.. which he returned but then he quickly blamed on the wine we had had.

I know I just need to focus on myself but it's hard because I'm lonely in Ithaca.. yes I have a bunch of friends who support me and are there for me.. but they arent physically here for me. It's just me in Ithaca.. and until the end of May, I'm going to have to really work on being ok with that.

omg.. i need to stop complaining....

feeling kind of crazy

I had just microwaved my soup here at work and one of the sales guys asked where a good place to get delivery from was..

I said.. OH! Theres this pizza place.. lets order something together! So we look at the menu and I even said outloud "i know i should eat my soup but this is emotional eating at its finest..'

Right before we called.. I snapped out of it and said that I should probably just eat my soup... so he just got something for him self

HOW CRAZY IS THAT! To have brought my lunch and just heated it up.. and just switch like that to not caring and eating for emotional reasons... it's nuts!

I feel very proud of myself for not going through with it.. but isn't it interesting how so easily we sabotage ourselves.. and knowingly!

I had to call the ex to get a ride home from work tonight... I really hated making that call...I don't know how I'm going to handle myself.. I feel very vulnerable right now.. I'm stressed about my car and work and I want nothing more than to be able to hang out and have fun... but I don't think we can be friends after ending our relationship.. ugh.. I hate this..This is just proof that I need to keep him out of my life.... that just calling him for a ride causes so much angst and upheaval of emotions...

I really want to eat crappy food right now.. i wish I had gone in on pizza for lunch.. i feel pathetic eating soup..

change is hard...

Monday, January 26, 2009


I don't need this stress/negativity right now!

I took my hyundai in (to a hyundai dealer shop.. mistake #1) this morning. If you've been following along.. you know my story.. It seemed like a very serious issue that I thought warranted a look at by an actual hyundai dealer shop...

Ends up being I am extremely low on transmission fluid and power steering fluid. Plus all the hoses for said fluids have leaks in them. I was lucky to get my car in when I did (yes this is true.. but I was obviously able to drive it down to the shop...)This all started because my check engine light kept coming on, and was showing a dealer code when I had my oil changed 2 weeks ago at Mobil 1 lube express.

The diagnostic alone cost $80. I asked if I could come pick it up and he laughed at me "no hon.. this car isnt going anywhere til its fixed.".. So.. what.. now I am forced to have it fixed there?!! When i dropped it off this morning I told them to just see what the issue was... not tear it apart in such a way that I was forced to have it repaired there.

I hate that I don't know enough about cars or auto repair.. I feel like this place is totally scamming me.

He said the transmission was, luckily, fine. I just need to replace the hoses... and how much will that all cost (plus labor and tax ofcourse)



Obviously I freaked.. I don't have that money... I asked if I could take it back.. I'd still have to pay the diagnostic obviously.. but should I have to pay for them taking it apart and putting it back together again.. IF THAT"S EVEN WHAT THEY DID?! He said they put more fluids in just to see if it worked.. I may have to call my ex (yes.. my only 'friend' in ithaca) to see if he will drive me down to see if it's even in the shop.. or is that illegal? I have my key to it..

either way..If I can just pay for the diagnostic and then take it across the street to an auto place I trust (like I shouldve in the first place).. then i will.

I contacted my boss at the summer camp I work at and he was able to advance me $800 of my summer pay.. I'm going to be working for nothing this summer.. gah.. But I need to not think about that now.. and worry about the summer later..

Does anyone know how to work with auto shops!? Is this right what they did? The guys at work all cringed when I said i took it to Hyundai.. so now I feel like an idiot too..

and on top of all that.. now I am carless for the week... can't go to the gym (i'd walk but its seriously zero right now)... can't go up to school to practice.. and am really really working on not slipping into negativity on this.

On the positive side.. at least my transmission is ok and its just a minor transmission thing... at least I was able to secure $800... at least I have a co-worker who can pick me up in the morning and drop me off after work... not going to the gym will free up time for me to catch up on other things I push off all week because I get home so late... Maybe it will be good to have a breather... Maybe I will take the time to do some pilates or yoga .. at least after I clean my bedroom.. which now I can do tonight.


Once again.. Food does not help with my money problems.. or my car problems... ANY problem

Thanks for reading.. and thanks also to those of you who gave me some soup spicing up advice!

2 food things

The veggie/bean soup I made is so freakin' BLAND.
I'm food $ budgeted out.. so I can't run to the store to get anything to enhance it

What are so ways, if any, to make a bland soup more flavorful.

I added salt/pepper/oregeno/basil to the soup when cooking.. only used water, no broth.. which I think was my first mistake but boullion cubes are too salty and buying stock in a box seems rediculous.. any thoughts on how to add some flavor would be appreciated!

Second thing..
Grapes are freaking SWEET... as in 'wholy crap.. it tastes like i'm eating sugar'
Yes.. I know its fructose.. but I don't think I've ever really realized how sugary they taste... maybe my taste buds are waking up!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Meal plan for the Week!

Week of January 25, 2009


Left overs

Monday 1/26 – Friday 1/30 (B/S/L/S) (Cal/Carb/Fat/Prot)

Protein Shake w/pineapple cup and ½ cup frozen berries, ½ c soy milk, ½ c water, 1 tbsp natural pb (330/31/10/32)

1cup grapes, 4oz dannon yogurt, 6 almonds (178/33/4/5)

2 cups veggie-bean soup (261/51/1/15)

1 small apple, 1 string cheese, 6 almonds (185/18/10/9)


Dinner Options

Tofu stir-fry (broc/carrot or frozen mix bag) over basmati

Indian Vegetable Curry (zuchinni, garbanzo beans, onion, tomato, cauliflower, garam masala) over basmati

Quorn nuggets, spinach, couscous

Turkey meatballs, broc, ww pasta, ½ c pasta sauce

Black bean, corn, salsa Taco, broc


(Monday) Make (and eat) the veg curry Monday night, freeze the rest. Make 2 Cups of Rice

(Tuesday) Make (and eat) tofu stir fry Tuesday night

(Wed) Quorn Nuggets, Spinach, whole wheat CousCous (1/2 Cup)

(Thurs) Stir Fry left overs

(Friday) Curry Leftovers

(Sat) Taco Night!

Sunday – New Recipes/Cooking

If you fail to plan... you plan to Fail

For the first time EVER I have made a menu plan for the week. I've even put it into sparkpeople for the week... at least up until Dinner.. I have to figure out calories and what not for those still.. but at least I know what I will be eating every day.

For someone who claims to like to be organized... this is organization beyond what I have ever done. I even cut up all my veggies for the week.. washed grapes and made individual servings. My yogurts are the dannon cups.. which I can't wait to get through because, Surprise Surprise! they are too sugary!

It may seem like a simple plan for the week.. but that's what works for me. I get home so late during the week that I really need the weekends to get ahead as much as possible. I also have a roommate and we eat dinner around the same time which also means we cook around the same time. I have issues sharing food, so no, I will not cook with her.. plus she doesn't eat what I eat..

Here is my weeks plan.. just for me to refer back to.. but If it helps you figure some things out.. that's great too!

Here's to an AWESOME week... I can feel it already! ; )

EDIT: I will be uploading another blog post about my meal plan as I have just learned you can upload from word to blogger.. Sweet!

The pros and cons of allowed splurges

I've been thinking a lot about allowed splurges or binges. If one is eating on plan all week, 1 meal should be ok. It helps with cravings just knowing that there will be one meal that you can have whatever you want. Weight loss wise it also helps to trick the body into thinking its not dieting or going into starvation mode. This is all if your week is calorie controlled.

I eat between 1650 - 1850 calories a day. I work out at least 3 hours a week and am now starting to add in some weight training.

Today I had my '1 meal a week splurge'. This time it was nothing close to how I usually eat now. It was planned in a sense that I would allow myself a splurge lunch today. While walking around the grocery store my mind was everywhere... should I go for chinese, a pizza, a sub... what would make me happy

back up...

food makes me happy?

Here is where I start to think that mentally a food splurge is not a good idea... but I decide on a sub anyways.

this was my one meal a week splurge... a 7 inch sub from Wegmans.
3 meat, cheese, mayo, oil, lettuce, onion, olives.

a small bag of chipsa

22 oz diet pepsi

I realize I do not miss this kind of food and it's not a good 'splurge' for me. There was WAY too much meat... the soda (or maybe its the lack of water today!) has given me a headache. I have no energy.. I took a nap and still feel like crap and have a headache.

And to think this is how I used to always eat.

I realize that eating clean/healthier has actually changed my tastes. This is GOOD! I'm not using this splurge as a reward for anything... it's just there.

Do I need it then? If the non-healthy items I have on my splurge meal don't 'do it' for me anymore.. whats the point. Why not just eat a piece of chocolate and call it a day. These are things I'm still working through and on.

I see the merit in it all... I don't find myself craving much of anything during the week... and I'm not sure if it's because I'm eating clean or its because my brain knows I get one meal 'off'

I do know that soda is pointless.. even if it's diet. drinking that syrupy, sugar laden, 'DIET' drink was not anything I plan on doing again. I'll stick to water, thanks.

The doritos, however, I could've had a whole family size bag of them

the sub.. TOO much meat...and here I am working on being a vegetarian..

Here are some interesting links, worth a ponder

Tim Ferriss' 'lose 20lbs in 30 days' article.. take with a grain of salt.. but the notion of a one meal (or in his case, day) splurge is interesting

Animated Exercise Examples

a useful site to help you SEE how the weight machines and other weight lifting activities are done. while this does not replace working with a personal trainer... its a good reminder when/and if you can't work with one every time you do your weight training

What happens to your body when you drink a coke

a great reminder (not that I need it now!) as to why soda is BAD!!!

Saturday, January 24, 2009

no back-sliding!

I'm very tempted right now to ask the ex if he wants to go get some food... and by food I mean go to friendly's and eat tons of crap because that's what we used to do.

I'm actually sitting here, ready to forget all my past plans of action about eating as well as how I feel about him and our situation.

so I'm here to remind myself on where I am and WHY I do not want to revert back to my old self.

Yes.. I miss him terribly.. we were texting just now and I wouldn't come out and just ask him if he wanted to get food. One of my biggest issues with him and our past relationship was that I was always the one to initiate things.... I made the majority of the decision about what we do.. where we go.. and I am SICK of it. I promised myself when we parted a month ago (as friends... he was off on break from college and went home to Florida)... that I would give myself all my attention... That these next 4 months I am here in Ithaca.. that I would just FOCUS ON ME.. and If that meant we were no longer friends.. then that's what happens. I will not revert back to the old me just because I'm bored tonight.. or lonely ... and that's why I'm willing to sabotage myself and all the good changes I've made this past month while he was a way.

I need to really really stay strong on this... I decided a few weeks ago that unless he initiates hanging out.. then I will not be seeing him. I NEED this rule so I don't fall back into what I used to be. Yes.. It sucks that I have to conciously work at keeping someone out of my life for my health... but that's just it... If I can't be the best I am.. and be heathy in body AND MIND... then I can't have him in my life. And it's not that he is a horrible person.. that's part of my angst.. we do have fun hanging out and he is a genuinely nice, kind hearted, guy.. so it makes it hard for me to just push him away.

But my mental and physical health is priceless... I have done amazing things these past 4 weeks... Weigh loss is not just about losing pounds.. its about changing thoughts and ideas about food.. about exercise.. about relationships with food and people... EVERYTHING HAS TO CHANGE

This is hard for me because I don't like to ignore people or remove them from my life. A lot of that has to do with my fear of loss because of Losing my mom and dad 5 years ago. It's scary for me (and here come the tears.. so I know this is the reason... )

I don't like to let go of things.. whether it's people or food... Loss is hard for me to cope with and in the past I've tried to heal it with food as well as being in unhealthy, usually only sexual, relationships. They gave me a false sense of fulfilment...and made me feel like I wasn't alone when all they were really doing was masking my true feelings.

This past month has been huge on fixing these empty feelings. I have gained so much strength and positivity from accomplishing goals. I feel stronger from exercising ... stronger both physically but also mentally and emotionally. I have to be willing to let go of things/people that no longer help me to be this new, stronger, individual that I am becoming.

I LOVE how I am changing... I've been afraid to let this person out because it had always been easier NOT to think about it... CHANGE IS HARD.. and it was just easier to be fat and resigned to life and love. How sad is that?! I was fine with being mediocre and was just grateful to be loved.. even if I was loved by someone who only 'loved me' because I would sleep with them. My most recent ex, the one I speak of tonight.. loved me for more than just sex.. and he *did* help me realize I was worth more than just that... but he still wasnt quite what I wanted but I SETTLED because it was easier then pushing myself to be better and healthier.

I will not send another text back to him. If HE wants to initiate something.. I will consider it but know that deep down, I need to let go of him and just focus on myself. I have other support besides an ex that never truly loved me... I have friends in real life and here in blog land that support me and push me in the right ways... and want me to be the best I can be.

This is my time now... and no one elses...
This is my LIFE... and only I decided how it's run
My past does not define me... I define me

I'm going to go put all of todays food into sparkpeople to see where I am calorie wise... then make a healthy dinner... and then find something to take my mind of my past.. maybe I will catch up on this season of '24'.

and exhale... : )

Weigh-in Results and reflection

only up 1lb... 224.4

and I am OK with this as I had expected it after last weeks 5lb loss! I know in my heart and mind that I was right on track this past week and that the scale number is NOTHING compared to all I have accomplished in eating, exercising and mental health!

This weekends goal is to get in 1 session of pilates or yoga and really try to get in to the gym to test out a Body Pump class.

I also need to cook for the week.. thinking of making a hearty vegetable-bean stew for lunches for next week.

I am changing my M-F evening schedule again. I'm going to check out a Body Pump class this weekend to see if I like it... if I do, then I will do Body Pump and Cardio on T/TH/S .. leaving M/W/F for practicing singing...and Sunday for an actual full day of rest. I asked my boss If I could leave at 5 M/W/F but will ask if I can do T/TH instead.. I think he will like that more anyways. No one comes in/calls between 5 and 5:30.. and I work through my hour lunch break..

Life is good... had a few dark days this week but I have moved passed them and am letting what happens happen. I will not stress on things I cannot change. My suv is going to the Hyundai shop monday morning before work to be looked at. If it's something that needs to be fixed (obviously!) and it's not a rediculous amount of $.. then I will find a way to make it happen. If it's a major repair, and costly.. I may have to find another way around things.. but I will cross that bridge when I get there!

I hope you all have a great day today!

Sparkpeople translation:

Personal improvement, whether it’s weight loss or skill building, is about creating or losing a habit. Still, somewhere along the way, it’s become an event. People diet until they lose 20 pounds – and then stop the smart eating and exercise that got them there. Once they reach their goal, they go back to the way they lived before and wonder why the weight comes back. For permanent change, habits need to stick around for the long run. In what way would you like to be excellent? What do people who are excellent in this way do on a regular basis? Can you do just one of those small things today? Of course one act does not build a foundation, but it does get you started. With repetition and time, that one action will seem more normal. Once it becomes a habit, it becomes part of who you are, and the transformation is complete.

Friday, January 23, 2009


I'm a week behind on the Biggest Loser because I do not have cable.. so i watch it online. I had to watch week two's episode twice because I felt so inspired by it and so much of what was said by the contestants and trainers just resonated so strongly with me.

You can watch this episode HERE on nbc.. it will be there until Jan. 28th

I do enjoy this show but does anyone else feel like this show has become way too scripted and is also using way too much product placement. I also hope that they have therapists on hand because that girl Joelle really needs to figure things out. I felt bad that Bob yelled at her... but.. she wasn't pushing herself.. and she was all talk... and as yoda says..

'Do or do not.. there is NO TRY'

I constantly work on eliminating that word from my vocabulary.. It's one of the top 5 things that keep me from being the best person I can be.

The following are not my words... they are the words of the contestants and trainers of the Biggest Loser 7 - week 2

"The hardest part is accountability .. it (weight loss) is up to me…no one else is going to do this for me"

Bob and Joelle's first talk: (these are all Bob's words below....)

The workouts are a component.. but you also need to focus on you.. getting you out of your comfort zone.

Are all your prayers going to be answered once you lose 100lbs?

What do you need to forgive… todays the day you need to forgiveyourself

Anytime you start feelin that fear..
welcome it..
hands up ..
eyes open..
'I welcome this'

Don’t give all that fear that power
It’s time for you to start seeing what you are capable of
You will come out of this victorious
I believe in you
You believe in you
And there’s no failure in that

(Bob on being afraid to Fail)

‘its not that you need someone to push you… YOU need to push YOU’

daughter: You sound different
Mom: I am… I’m becoming a different person And it FEELS GREAT

Dan runs for 7mph:
‘to feel my body moving that fast for the first time in a long time was a great feeling
It was terrifying
But it was a great great feeling to push myself like that'

Trust the process… change forever
~ Bob

motivation cycles

I commented on a post by fellow blogger Tamzin and really liked what I said.. ha

so im copying and pasting just to have a reminder for myself!

If you get a moment.. head over to her blog to give a little support to a fellow blogger!

My mood about weight loss and blogging goes in cycles/circles...

Sometimes I get really sick of counting calories, blogging about weight loss issues... but I just make myself do it because even if today I'm not feeling good about it.. I know that in a few days that cloud will lift and I'll be back into the game!

And that's why we are all here.. we can't all be perfect and 100% on top of things ALL the time.. so we pick up from other people when we are down and visa-versa.

I was miserable yesterday about it ALL.. and today I'm feeling much better and positive.. it just happens!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

positive thinking and moving forward

Sparkpeople Translation:

How many times has somebody told you to “think positively”? Easier said than done, right? But this truly can make a difference in your life. Focus on the good, and learn from the bad. You have the freedom and ability to choose your own attitude. What will you choose? Enthusiasm can carry you through a lot more than you think. Never just be satisfied with what you have, but keep working to achieve more. Set specific goals and work for them. After you have accomplished them, set new ones. Keep working to make yourself a better person.

not impressed

with myself!

I overate at dinner. I'd call it a binge but it was all healthy food although it was not in moderation for sure.

I think I was trying to make up for calories. I had my regular protein shake/smoothie this am... didn't have time for my mid morning snack.. lunch was couscous and veggies/beans... I also had baby carrots and hummus.. but I'm getting sick of carrots and the hummus I got was nasty.. that's what I get for buying cheap hummus I guess.

I had 3 cups of coffee today too.. with splenda and non-dairy creamer
I only drank about half of my big water bottle at work

then i came home starving.. so I doubled my dinner portion... instead of 6 turkey meatballs.. I had 12... I had 1 portion of whole wheat pasta.. a cup of steamed broc and carrots (the carrots I couldn't eat at lunch).. then decided to double my portion of spaghetti sauce .. then.. I needed something to soak up all that spaghetti sauce.. so I grabbed a piece of whole grain bread and put a little dab of real butter on it.

I felt a little out of control for sure. I was eating fast and just stuffing it all in my mouth like I had never had pasta or bread before. I am by no means on a low carb diet either. I just needed to stuff myself I guess.

I know why too --- pretty stressful week and I am just getting tired. I keep it in the back of my mind that this is usually the week people start falling of diets... and I really don't want to be a part of that statistic.. I just need to get through the rest of this week and re-focus myself this weekend.

I'm getting much much better about emotional eating for sure. And while my water intake has been iffy this week.. I have managed to stay within my daily calorie goals for the most part. Who knows what saturday morning WI will bring. I'm actually half expecting a gain.. and only because the week before I lost 5lbs...and I've also been stressed/down this week... and when you are down.. your body usually holds onto the weight.. or at least I've notice that that has happened for me.

how many times can I say it .. and why can't I take my own advice...


tomorrow I will drink all my water.. I have cardio and will do my first weight session.. I will eat more protein instead of carbs and find new snacks since carrots/hummus is boring now.

I will not let this one day diminish the past 3 weeks accomplishments.

I will go back and re-read my old posts where I was really motivated and determined just to remind myself that I actually can be that person.

I will move forward, always with an eye on the past but never letting the past take me down...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

this is a heavy weight...

I'm realy struggling tonight. I had a stressful day at work with meetings and trying to catch up on yesterday work that I missed because of training at another radio station. Plus the vibe at work is very negative.. a lot of angry people and back talk/gossip that I am really trying to stay out of.

I'm also still stuck in the auto finance mess. Day 2 of working with the Hyundai dealer (this after getting treated bad and then not financed at Nissan).. still no banks stepping up to help me. I can't blame them.. My credit isn't the best.. I have a ton of student loan debt... I'm barely making enough to survive and have only been at this job for 2 months anyways. Hyundai called today to let me know they are not having luck and if I had any luck finding of cosigner. Ofcourse I havent... since I wont ask anyone.. I'm not putting what little relationships I have in jeopardy. And it's not that I think I will default. I have been successfully paying a monthly payment on this car loan I have now for the past 3 years.

I emailed my uncle.. my late mothers brother.. just for advice on where to go now. I said flat out that I was not asking him and his wife to cosign for me.. but that I just needed an adult opinion (and while I didn't state the obvious to them)... an opinion because I have no mother or father or really any adult figures to go to.

I ofcourse broke down for the first time in 09 about missing my mom and dad.. and being angry that they aren't around to help me with this (not blaming them).. and now I'm just really really sad.. which I don't like becuase I have been really really happy and positive up until the past few days.

I went to the gym today.. but only walked for 30 minutes... I think my shoes are too small as the back of my heal now has blisters. I don't have $ for new shoes.. so I need to dig through my closet.. I think I have a pair of new balance in there that I haven't used much.

Since I only did 30 minutes.. I decided to talk to a personal trainer.. just to show me what machines I should use to get started on a basic weight routine. I gave me new confidence in personal trainers. He was not pushy, he understood my fears and concerns and told me flat out that there was no reason to use half the machines in the building... to just focus on the basics and don't be afraid of other people watching you. He agreed with my saying that because I'm doing walking and jogging, that going nuts with lower body machines isn't necessary. He strongly suggested just doing squats with my body weight.. maybe touch on the leg curl/extension and the leg ad/abduction machines. As for upper body.. chest press, row, and pull down... free weights for biceps/triceps. As for abs.. I mentioned I had done pilates and yoga in the past and may stick to that for my core strengthening. He 100% agreed, saying that doing crunches is only good for helping you do more crunches and that pilates/yoga are what you need to do to strengthen the core.

I felt a lot better after just talking with him. I've used all these machines before but just wanted confirmation on what I should do to get started and focus on the main muscle groups. As I progress and feel the need to get more serious about weight training, i will ofcourse get a more specifc program in place.

I have decided to do this after my cardio. This means I may need to make cardio for 30 minutes unless I want to spend an hour and a half at the gym.. and that all depends on if I can get out of work at 5 or not. I did ask my boss if I could leave at 5 instead of 530 since I am not going out to lunch and only taking about 20 minutes of my hour break to eat.. and that at my desk doing work! He agreed to give it a try.. so M/W/F I am allowed to leave at 5 if I am all caught up and nothing else is pressing.

And, once again, I feel much calmer after taking the time to write this all out. I swear blogging is the cheapest therapy invented.

Off to fold laundry and go to bed. I pray my mind will shut up tonight so I can sleep.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

just putting it out there...

.....out to the universe to let it do what it want's with it
(yes, I believe in the law of attraction!)

I want to be 220 by the first full week of February!

that's 11 days ... and 3.4 lbs

You put your mind to it... and anything is possible!

Kindda down tonight..

so let's figure out why...

I didn't get financed for the Murano. This after dealing with a really crappy sales guy who had no clue and no customer service skills.. I was pretty annoyed about that. I went to the Hyundai dealer tonight.. told him my story and he took all my info to see what he could do. I currently own a there is the incentives for that. He heavily suggested a co-signer to help things and asked 'what about mom and dad?'

I hate this question...and can only brush it off casually so much.. so I just said right out.. "my mom and dad both passed away a few years ago... and my sister is out in Portland... so no.. there really is no one around to help co-sign'

insert awkward fumbling of words by sales guy

Overall I don't mind telling people about long as I know them (Karen - you are FINE!!!).. I think I'm just annoyed with the car buying process and frustrated with the $ issue of it all. I can't ask any of my friends to co-sign.. we are all in financial submarines.. and we all are struggling (or sinking, to go along with the submarine analogy!). I just started my new job.. and don't think I could ever ask my boss anyways.. thats just weird.. and other relatives.. I just dont feel *that* close to to be asking for a co-sign. My best friend Eva co-signed for one of my student loans and I feel so guilty having her on there.. especially since I have to keep deffering that loan and they bug her about it. I just dont like having to tie someone in to my mess.. and not that I'm not able to make monthy car payments now.. I do $320 a month now.. I just get nervous with $ I guess.

So..Hyundai is going to see what they can get me in to.. even if its not an suv, which I would prefer..I haven't felt safe in a car since my car accident back in 2003.. I like to be higher up and off the ground! Ofcourse when the dealer drove my car he didnt get the crazy shifting/bucking issue that I keep having.. why does it always work like that?!

Anyways.. So that's been bugging me today...

I was also doing training or "remedial help" as I call it.. at another radio station today. The girl who trained me 2 months ago is Prego and due on Feb i wanted to just sit down with her and review things and fix errors and just make sure I'm doing the right things.. so that was stressful..

Plus I'm cold and tired from driving for 2 hours

and.. I didn't get my regular snacks and lunch in

I went out for lunch today.. to a mexican restaurant. Now.. I am actually ok with this since I told myself I would alow 1 meal a week to be "off plan".. I had a chicken burrito, which ofcourse had cheese on top.. could I have asked for no cheese?.. sure.. but I decided not to. The burrito came with beans and rice. But then there was my downfall.. the CHIPS AND SALSA. Chips, salsa, and I are good friends.. we go way back... but they are a trigger food and I had to kick them out of the house. But.. I did say that I get one meal a week to eat what and how I want.. So.. todays lunch.. which was close to a days worth of calories in that one meal... Was just ONE MEAL out of this week.

I came home and made eggs and toast.. filled my water bottle up (also something i was lacking on today.. ).. and came up to my room to read and relax.

I actually feel better having just "said" all this.. writting is such a powerful tool for me and sometimes the best way for me to express my self.

I will not let this day ruin my week. I know that once you fall off.. you have to get right back on.. and I did that with my portion controlled dinner. The old me would've said "F*ck it!.. I'm going to go get some chinese take out because today SUCKED'... but not the new me..

The new me knows what I can achieve now.. it knows that one meal will not break me.. It knows that Food will not help me with my $ issues.. It will not help me be happy and It will not fix anything.. its just food... there to provide NUTRITION.. and thats it.

I hope you all had a great day! I'm off to watch Obama's inaguration that I had to miss because I actually had to do work.. boo hoo!

ok.. done ranting/whinning/complaining/making excusses

Monday, January 19, 2009

Got a minute?

The following is not my own work -- It is by Linda Spangle.. author or "100 days of weight loss' and ' Life is Hard, Food is easy' .. Both EXCELLENT books to help you stay focused. I'm currently re-working through '100 days' and it's a nice reminder of what I need to do to get this done once and for all!

It's a little long but SO WORTH IT!

Got a minute? That's long enough to renew your focus
The Wt. Loss Minute By Linda Spangle, RN, MAAuthor: 100 Days of Weight

(Be sure to read the GREAT NEWS about changes in thisezine, then pass this on to everyone you know who struggleswith weight loss. See end of today's ezine for the specialannouncement!)

Great idea: Keep going with your program, day after dayafter day...

Today will decide whether you make it or not. In fact,today represents a critical turning point in yourweight-loss success.

The reason? Most people average just three to four weeks ona diet before they fall off the wagon. So for all of youwho started a weight-loss program around the first ofJanuary, this is diet drop-out week!

You've probably been through this before. When you firststart a new diet, you feel strong, motivated and determined that you will reach your goal. For the first few weeks,everything goes well. You meticulously count food points,drink your nutritional shakes or write down everything you eat.

But real life didn't change just because you went on a diet. People still bring cookies to work and invite you to birthday parties or happy hour. Others entice you to share a dessert. And somewhere between week three and four,there's a good chance you'll start to weaken.

Perhaps you'll get tired of planning and recording. Or you'll get side-tracked by stress, fatigue or work challenges. Next thing you know, you'll give into temptation and eat six cookies or have a couple glassesof wine.

In reality, falling off your diet isn't the end of theworld. Unless--you can't get back on it again. That's what makes this such a critical point in your weight-loss plan.What you do this week can affect the outcome of the entireyear ahead.

Here are three important steps to put in place immediately:

1. Remember WHY...
To strengthen your motivation, review all the reasons WHYyou want to lose or maintain your weight. Make sure you have a list of at least ten outcomes you want so badly-things such as feel better, have more energy, wear nicer clothes, have less back and knee pain, and sit in a theaterseat comfortably.

If you're feeling really bold, add ten more things such as wear a bathing suit without feeling embarrassed,participate in a yoga class, run a 5K race. Read your list often, perhaps daily, over the next few weeks.

Anytime you're tempted to let up on your program, go backto the list and remind yourself, 'THIS is why I'm doing this diet/exercise program. And because these things are important to me, I'll keep going with my efforts,'

2. Go back to what works

When you first started your diet plan, what helped you make it work? What tricks did you use to drink enough water or avoid food temptations? Was there a certain time of day that you did your exercise? Make a list of things that contributed to your ability to stay on track. Then put these ideas back in place and use them to make your program successful again.

3. Keep going, day after day after day...!

Success requires staying on your program day after day after day. Any time you're tempted to give up on your dieting efforts, think about how much progress you've made so far. Then tell yourself that all you have to do is complete one more day.

Make a sign that says:

DON'T STOP NOW! Just do one more day!

Post copies on the refrigerator, your computer, in your car, and anywhere else where it will help your focus. Use this reminder to help you push through fatigue,discouragement, and motivation struggles. Every day on the path is a day closer to your goals!

Exciting news! Tell all your friends!!!
Beginning in February, I will begin a new ezine theme based on my best-selling book, 'Life is Hard, Food is Easy.' Overthe course of this next year, I will cover most of the content of this book by summarizing it in my weekly ezine.

You don't need to buy the book or spend time reading the entire text (unless you want to.) Instead, you'll be ableto use my ezine as a weekly learning tool. I'll becovering all the important lessons from the book,including:

* 5 Steps to conquering emotional eating* Ways to routinely boost motivation and keep it strong* How to prevent sabotage, from others as well as yourself* Move past the barriers that keep getting in your way* Heal tough emotions such as grief, anger and depression

Pass it on!
Forward this ezine to everyone you know who struggles with weight loss. They won't want to miss this great year of book excerpts as well as input and advice.

They can sign up for the Wt. Loss Minute newsletter by going here:

Previous issues:
Copyright Linda Spangle, 2009. #0119, Weight Loss for Life, Inc.

5023 W. 120th Ave. #183, Broomfield, CO 80020Contact: Linda@WeightLossJoy.comwww.weightlossjoy.com303-452-1545 or 1-800-298-3020

Clean eating, eating cheap, and compromises

I've been wanting to write about this for awhile as I'm sure it effects others. I am on a limited budget and only have about $80 every 2 weeks to buy groceries AND get gas for my car. Luckily I live 2 minutes from work.. and really.. if it wasn't so cold, I could walk. I'm very grateful for that because it gives me a little more $ for food.

When you start out on eating clean a lot of purchases have to be reconsidered. Gone are the days where buying groceries is something that can be done quick. I spent 2 HOURS yesterday at 2 different stores getting what is hopefully 2 weeks work of groceries (minus some fresh fruit/veg come next week). I took my time looking at the ingredient of each item. I shopped at a discount grocery store called Aldi's. It's not that I haven't known about them.. I just never thought I could find clean items... boy was I wrong. A 12oz bag of unsalted almonds for $3.49.. score! Other stores sell for $3.99 - $4.99. Baby carrots.. .95 cents for a 12oz bag.. I bought 2 and thats even cheaper than the deal over at Tops for 2 for $3.

As much as I feel degraded for having less then before.. I am hopeful now and inspired to make this work for me.

Am I eating 100% clean?.. no.. and I'm ok with that.

I bought a case of dannon light and fit yogurts (12 containers) for $5.50, and while I couldve saved a little by buying the big containers of yougurt (and have it be a little cleaner).. I decided to go for ease of use. If it's not going to be something quick I can grab.. and I have to sit there and divy out portions.. I wont do it. Is it an eat-clean end of the world? No.. because overall I'm eating healthier than ever AND It's helping with my mental sanity.

I don't think eating clean is any more expensive than what I was previously shopping for. I find good deals on proteins... and even though eating beans that are canned is not the best.. It's the quickest for me right now.. so that's what I do. I'll take convenience over price if that's what's goign to help me to stay on track.

Are you saving or spending since chosing to eat healthier or clean? How do you stretch your food purchases.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

hey there!

Wow.. what a crazy weekend! Where to begin?!

Friday -
Was dragging at work and ended up having 2 cups of coffee. I don't normally drink coffee.. so needless to say, i was wired... which is what I think led to having tons of energy for my awesome walk.. even sustained walking at 3.3mph..

It may have also kept my mind running too much.. but it also could have been just all the positive energy and excitement running through me as of late. I just could not sleep friday night.. lots of positive thinking.. thinking about food/eating, exercise, singing, career goals, and about getting a new car..

I had to go car shopping... and not by choice. I'm driving a 2002 Huyndai Santa Fe.. which i LOVE.. but its old and is having gear shift issues (not good).. and I'm tired of putting money into it so Thursday night after driving home because of the gear issues instead of going to the gym.. I researched what was out there. I found a Nissan Murano '06 that looked good so I put in a request online and got a call back not 3 minutes to set up a viewing. Saturday I checked it out and let me just say.. I don't know who I am anymore.. I didn't back down or anything! I felt very in control and calm.. I knew what I wanted and wouldn't budge. I want to keep my monthly payment around the same as it is now.. and they started way high and I was like.. "when I say I want X amount.. I really meant it." I also kept playing the "well.. I guess I will go look at another dealer - who i had said I would stop in to see today".. Back and forth a lot with the sales guy and finance dept... I got it down to where I wanted the monthly to be... I took it for another drive just to be sure it felt right.. I decided to take the offer. Unfortunately, banks were closed.. so I wont know until monday if I've been financed. I worry about this becuase of my credit score being so low.. and I do have a lot of debt.. but I feel if it's meant to be it will be. I would prefer not to keep driving this Santa Fe as it is not in the best condition... and I really don't have the $ to fix it. Keep fingers/toes/eyes crossed that I hear good news tomorrow! Then I can be really excited about it.. I've been staying calm so as not to get my hopes up.

Pretty laid back. I had intentions to go to the gym at least once this weekend but that did not happen. I think i am ok with just going during the week now. I really don't have time during the week to do the house chores and what not.. so I'll keep my weekends for chores like grocery shopping and cleaning/organizing.... which I FINALLY decluttered my desk and am in the process of cleaning out files... I need to figure out what paperwork needs to be saved for tax (and non-tax) pourposes...

I'm feeling great about my weightloss and eating. I may not be 100% on eating clean.. but thats ok.. no one needs to be perfect. I may be doing a post on eating clean and tight budgets this week if I have time..

Have a great week everyone and I will update when I can.. Life is becoming more full and exciting, but I will try to catch up with you all as much as I can!!

Saturday, January 17, 2009

Holy Crap(?)!!!!

And no.. not that kind of crap, Tamzin!

WI this morning...

DOWN 5.4 lbs

Wiggley WHA?!!

Yeah.. no joke.. I have never in my LIFE lost that much in a week... and while I know that weight is not the over all determining factor of where we stand in weight loss.. I *DO* feel thinner..and clothes are feeling loose... so.. More on that later

I have a crazy day ahead of me and had a crazy night last night! So many ideas flying through my head and SO much I want to blog about this weekend but It will have to wait..

I have to go look for a new car today.. not by choice..more by necessity.. It's not the best time for me to being doing so.. but my santa fe is not a happy suv anymore and I refuse to put anymore $ into a 2002. So.... off I go today to see what I can get. I'm working 2 different dealers and plan to be a strong ass woman today and stick to my guns... but please to still think positive thoughts and send them my way... I will update tonight

Life is E'ffing amazing right now... my best to you all.. have a great day! and I will be back tonight!!!

still here!

I took a break Thursday and I guess I needed it because Friday hit and now I'm going a mile a minute with tons of awesomeness. Busy girl this weekend but will update ASAP! WI is tomorrow.. so i should be around tomorrow afternoon/night to update on all thats going on!

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

PMS and metabolism

all I have to say is... #2 ladies... number FREAKIN' 2!!

(and no, Tamzin, not *that* #2! )

legit or not.. I knew I had heard this somehwere
No wonder I'm so hungry today... I wan't to eat and eat and eat!

When PMS attacks!! Next on FOX!

Seriously! All over the place today.. crazy happy one moment and crying the next. Don't ya love it.. No?? Me either!!

Anyways.. stressy moments at work.. but luckily I had my lunch and snacks prepared and with me. Thank god we finally got a fridge in our new office. I'm the only one that uses it. I'd hate to be a sales person and always be on the road. I suppose If I was.. Id still bring my lunch and snacks with me in a cooler because that's what ya gotta do to get it done!

I had a war with myself about the gym today. I'm cranky/tired and very PMS'y and at the height of my weekly (sorry boys..TMI.. I know!).. so I thought.. "Hey.. it's been a rough day.. you are tired.. your body probably needs a break.. "


I had to yell at myself in the car to not sabotage myself and make all these excusses for the gym. I decided to go to the gym and at least do 30 minutes. If you still aren't into it 100%.. then you can stop.

So that's what I did. And while I ended up only doing the 30 minutes


That's more than half the battle in my book.

I came home after.. made my healthy dinner (chicken, rice and veg with some lite soy sauce)
Got a big glass of water and sat down to catch up on the first week of the biggest loser.

I could write a whole post about that show... and while I HATE that it's based on elimination.. this season has some really amazing people on it. I love listening to their "ah-ha" moments... because I've had a lot of those same thoughts and ideas myself! This show is always eye opening.. especially in the first few weeks. I have to watch it online.. so I get it a week after it was on tv.. but thats ok... I like the inspirations even if its a week late!

Watching these people push themselves really makes me realize how much I am NOT pushing myself... granted.. they are supervised by Doctors and all that... but there's no reason why I can't walk .. or even JOG.. faster then 3.0mph. That's really a big portion of the show this season... doing it for yourself, on you own, at home. It will be interesting to see how it works out in the end. I KNOW I can do more... I freakin' JOGGED yesterday...I need to keep a mini-Jillian in my pocket or on my shoulder... or at least keep the people of biggest loser on my mind while I'm trying to wimp out!

Has anyone tired the Biggest Loser workout dvds? I just got the sculpting one today from Netflix. I will have to give it a go this weekend and give a review about it. I will, however, be meeting with a trainer on monday to go over all the weight machines in the gym... and now that MizFit knows I'm doing it.. now I REALLY need to follow through or she will kick my butt! ; )

Thanks always to everyone who comments and/or adds me to their watch lists. It's neat knowing that my thoughts and actions can inspire someone else! I try to get to everyone's page to catch up and even If I don't get a moment to write.. know that you all are on my mind and keep me going!

Take care and have a great day tomorrow!

9 Cold, Hard Weight Loss Truths

Great article from sparkpeople this morning...

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

forgot!... a NSV!

... I drank 64oz of water at work.. and am on another 32oz here at home.. plus the cup i had this morning with my Emergen-C... over 100oz of water today.. Hello?!!

Good day overall and some big news!

Billing snafu was fixed at work...not my fault. Relief....

Only down part to my eating today was adding 2 splenas to my oatmeal.. didn't really need it as Im getting used to not having sugar.. I think.. and it had a weird taste.... note to self..

I also was dragging this afternoon.. I had a cup of coffee with sugar and non dairy creamer.. It didn't make me feel any better and the whole time I was drinking it I was thinking "This is not clean.. this is not clean...".. but I drank it all. I was pretty bored this afternoon.

I'm still on a mission for between 'meal' snacks.. trying to eat 5 smaller meals a day. Budget is tight. It annoys me how all the junk food is cheap and 'healthier' food is not. It's like our nation wants us to be fat... I'm going to stop there before I or someone else goes of on a political rampage..

The Gym was good today. I wasn't as tired. I think it's just going to be rough on mondays because I don't work out on Sunday... just need to get myself back into it. I had a great walk.. I even pushed it up to 3.2mph for awhile AND... (Cara.. are you reading?!) I jogged for 1 minute or so. It really came out of nowhere.. well.. I'm sure it was my music.. I felt inspired and my body was ready.. so I jogged. Must invest in a quality sports bra, however, as the girls were flyin'!

I'm feeling pretty good today... and I'm even PMS'ing now... so I am glad I am able to push myself this week.

and my big news?

I was hired today to be the soprano soloist for 2 works in March. It's a paid gig ($325) and is with a choral group I have soloed for before and I just love working with them. It's nice to finally be paid for singing. You spend so much time in school PAYING to sing... I have the student loans to show for it.. so this was a nice boost especially since I had been having thoughts that maybe performing wasn't my thing. My confidence was shaken after my last public performance.. my nerves got the best of me... and I almost gave up...

It's pretty neat how when you move forward in one aspect of your life (eating/exercising/being POSITIVE)... other areas begin to catch up. I'm a firm believer in the 'law of attraction'. While I haven't been thinking about singing every day... I did say to myself and the universe that If I'm meant to sing.. it will come to me... and it did!

This means I need to adjust my workout schedule (again!) to fit in practice time. I will probably have to go back to last weeks idea of cardio M/W/F and practicing and weights (dvd at home) on T/TH. Once it gets warm out again (so.. like... May! thanks upstate NY).. I'd like to ad in some non-gym activities like hiking or something.... but for now my 5 days is a great plan... and now that I know I can jog.. I will slowly incorporate that.

Wow.. long post.. If you are still reading.. Thanks!

Monday, January 12, 2009

Meeting goals

Met my 2 goals of the day..
1. drink at least 8 glasses of water
2. 60min workout - DONE

My walk was a good one. I warmed up at 2.5mph for 5 minutes then bumped it up to 3.0 for the next 25 minutes. Half way throug I put it up to 5% incline. then did a 5 min cooldown after my 60 minutes.

I tried to bump it up to 3.2mph.. but my legs were not having it... I'll get there!
One day at a time, right? : )

Eating today was pretty good. I need to bump my protein up tho.. only at 1525calories today.. and that's once I have my graham crackers with PB. I know graham crackers are not pure clean food.. but I'm ok with that. I'm eating healthier than I ever have.. so I'm not stressing over graham crackers.

I'm making as many clean choices as possible. I've started having tuna sandwiches for lunch. I didn't have any mayo.. so I put some hummus in the tuna to cream it up (that's what I'm missing..) and it was still kindda dry. I found a vegan mayonaise today and it checks out clean and has that tangy creamyness I'm missing... and only at 10calories/Tbsp. Do-Able!

One of my long term goals is to not be so hard on myself. I'm notorious for this. Being a musician since I was 5.. I've always been a perfectionist. I remember one music teacher telling me frequently to not be so hard on myself. It happened today at work. I became very upset with the errors I made with my billing disaster... and I beat myself up if I didn't do the perfect work our or eat clean perfectly.

I really don't want to be that way... so If I'm only 80-85% eating clean.. it's still good for me. If I only do a 45 minute walk one day.. its OK... Just the fact that I am making these changes is good for me.

Anyways.. Really.. today was a good day! I'll just keep taking life one day at a time!

Food will not help the situation

Emotional Eating NOT at it's finnest today..

Very stressful afternoon at work. I'm finishing up billing for december and there are a TON of errors. Our software had a glitch, and has been fixed.. but now everything is a mess. Everything else about my job is fine (I am the office manager and trafficing agent for a Radio station)... but the billing portion of it really frustrates me. The perfectionist in me get's upset that there were errors and even though most were out of my hands..


I saw some cookies and was really tempted.. but

I do not solve problems with food anymore

I came here to write about it.. and think about it. I'm still learning my job.. there were human errors as well as software.. and things will get fixed tomorrow with the help of another billing person at another station of ours.. so it is not the end of the world.

I will go to the gym after work.. do my hour walk..
and leave work AT WORK!

Sunday, January 11, 2009

a little binge...

Kind of went nuts at dinner tonight. It all started with these Jennie-o turkey burgers that just didn't do it for me. they were not appitizing.. they were the savory flavor.. and it seemed greasy or something.. kind of had the heartburn/acid in the back of my mouth.. so that annoyed me... So to get the taste out of my mouth.. I had a bowl of cereal. Kashi golean Crunch isn't bad.. but when you have 1 1/2 cups (300cal!) .. it kind of is... plus the soy milk..

anyways.. dinner was around 800 cals (i had some bread and veg in there too..) over all calorie total for the day was 2230.. very high for me.. I don't think my weight loss will stop or anything.. but I had to sit down and thing about what really was going on tonight.

I need to find new meal ideas.. these basic meals are getting boring to me.. and I don't want to stop eating clean because I know it's good for me and obviously it's working... but I really need a little more variety.

I was also bored tonight...and am PMS'ing... so I know what that binge really was... and yeah.. the burgers left a bad taste.. I will be returning them tomorrow.. ($7.50 for a box of 12.. so yeah.. RETURNING!)

Tomorrow I will go on as usual.. hit the gym after work and just keep going. I'm not going to let this little binge, though pretty healthy, stop me from anything. It happens... moving on!

Protein Shakes and weekly goals

I found a new way to get a better tasting protein shake..

add a cup of applesauce!

I had a carton of single serv applesauce cups.. natural.. no sugar added..just sitting in the fridge for like.. forever.. and decided to dump one in my protein shake I just had. It reminded me of apple pie.. which was nice...

1 banana
1 scoop vanilla protein powder (yes.. the one that I thought was gross!)
1 applesauce cup
a splash of vanilla extract
a tsp? of pumpkin pie spice


I'm so happy that I found a way to use this vanilla protein powder. I have a chocolate one now too.. but it's not as clean as I'd like... so I am still on the search for a good protein powder.

I've notice a lot of people are doing weekly goals and thought maybe I would try this week. I always have it in the back of my mind to do certain things a day.. but now I'm going to make myself super accountable. I will put a goal box on my blog and track every day.

1. Drink at least 8 cups of water/day
2. 60min walk at least 5 times this week (probably M-F)

I'd say eat clean every day.. but I'm finding that I am getting consistent with that for the most part.. minus a splenda mishap or 2! (I hid that box of packets ..maybe I won't be tempted as much!)

Maybe my food goal will be to try a new recipe this week. I've been sticking to basic foods/meals.. which is fine.. but I know I will get bored.. so I'm on the lookout for new meal ideas! Maybe this week I will try a tofu dish. It's a cheaper protein and CLEAN.. about $2.50 for a 12oz box... I just need to find the right recipe!

Have a GREAT, PRODUCTIVE, CONSISTENT week everyone!!

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Clean eating and HFCS

high fructose corn syrup... Its in pretty much EVERYTHING it seems!
I spent probably 10 minutes in the bread aisle looking for a bread that was clean.. pretty hard to do.. let me tell you!

I finally found one.. made by Arnold 100% whole wheat bread. It says it in huge letters on the bag.. AND it's only 40 calories per slice.. so having a sandwich for lunches will be ok. (I have to switch.. getting bored with salads!)

Anyways.. after while doing a search for more info about breads and HFCS.. I came across a very useful site that lists foods that do NOT have HFCS in them. Worth a look if you are working on eating clean!

oh.. and if you really want more info..
Read: Omnivore's Dileman
Watch: Super Size Me, or, King Corn

It's pretty scary what some foods/drinks have in them...

Saturday WI results!

Down 1.8 lbs !!!
a total of 6 lbs gone since re-committing to weight loss on 12/13/08
3.8 of those are from when I started clean eating

Need to keep going.. stop worrying

I don't have to eat-clean perfect... I don't have to eat an exact amount of calories or burn an exact amount

I just have to DO

Moving forward and not looking back...

Thanks for all the positive comments coming in. It is really nice to know there are other's out there trying to do the same thing you are. I think blogging is a great way to remind yourself that you're not alone and there are many others there to help and support you. Thanks : )

Friday, January 9, 2009

workout dissapointment.. (already?!)

I always do this. I get all gung-ho about something (this time working out) and when i fail to accomplish it 100% I get bummed.


But I was.. I left the gym dissapointed and defeated and came home... and thought I looked myself in the mirror and told myself to snap out of it.. tears of frustration started to form.

I walked at 3mph for 40 minutes... then got bored and my shins started to hurt so I stopped/gave-up.

I got on the elliptical for a whopping 5 minutes and then the front of my thighs were killing.. so I stopped... (i have issues with the Elliptical!)

I got on the recumbant bike.. 1 minute off after seeing it would take an hour to burn 40 calories at the rate I was going.

I think I'm mentally getting ahead of myself. I want to be able to burn an extra 500cals a day and eat 500 less cals a day.. but maybe that's not really do-able. I've put my info into a handful of BMR calculators and each one give me a different number. I just want to figure out how many calories it takes for me to maintain so I can figure out how to LOSE from there!!

I don't know why I'm going nuts about making sure I'm burning enough calories.. It's not like I'm at a plateau.. I mean.. CRIPES! I'm only on my second week of eating clean and I LOST 2lbs last week.

I really think I'm mental! haha

Anyways.. I will take some time tonight to reflect on my crazyness and breathe a little.

Everything I'm doing.. no matter how little it seems to me... I am still doing myself and my body a favor. I must not forget this. Every step I take.. Every bite I make ("I'll be watching youuuu!"..ha)... all these moves are bringing me one step closer to goal. I need not be so hard on myself.

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Just some thoughts

I think my body needs to really move everyday.. and perhaps this only doing cardio m/w/f is not going to be the best for me... I mean.. YES.. It's good for me any my body... but I think my body needs/craves more and while I do need to get weights and practicing my singing in.. I think I just need to focus on just one thing.. and thats moving every day (except sunday.. baby jesus wan'ts us to rest then ; )

I *will* add strength training in... probably in the next week or so. I really want to get working out 6 days a week under my belt as well as eating clean.

Speaking of eating clean.. It is going well but I am sneaking in more substitute sugar than I should. In fact.. Im on my second cup of coffee with sweet and low... and not just one pckt.. 2 PACKETS.. for each cup. I usually do coffee with creamer and sugar.. but we are our of creamer.. I was surprised i actually liked it with just sugar... but that's besides the point..

I need to review the plan again.. I am adding in a cheese stick/day.... and have upped the protein (larger servings).. My calorie intake is about 200-300 higer than it was the first week... I felt it was a little low and I was going to bed really hungry.

So.. new workout plan

I will focus on Cardio/Strength ONLY from here until the end of May.. I can practice singing this summer while I teach at Ballibay...

CARDIO 60min/day... 6 Days a Week (Walk.. increase mph weekly and inclines bi-weekly)
STRENGTH 20-30m/day... 3 Days a Week

I've decided that since my dinner is usually my lightest meal of the day, that I'm ok eating later than usual.. I am working on getting to bed (lights off) by 11pm. I'm also going to ask my boss if I can leave half an hour earlier (5pm) since I am staying in the office for my hour lunch (we just got a fridge.. finally).. and take a half hour, in-house, lunch... I think that's a good compromise... that way I would get home a little earlier.

Anyways... lots of thoughts going through my head today. I think I *am* coming down with something. My throat has that raw,hot, icky, itchy feeling which usually leads to strep.. But I am staying as positive as possible in hopes it wont manifest into something bad!

so.. long story short...

My main FOCUS is on ME and my HEALTH/WEIGHT for the next 5 MONTHS

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

draggin' at the gym

My body was not having it today.. only put in 30minues of walking...about 150calories.. I think it was combo of doing a crazy workout monday..nothing on tuesday..and then I tried this aerobic incline setting on the treadmill and i was up to a 4.0 incline within the first 10 Legs were not happy about that! Anyways.. I'm not upset about it!

Otherwise.. food was good today but my water intake is so lacking.. I keep a big watter bottle at work on my desk and try to drink the whole thing over the course of the day.. not quite making it the past few days..I have another big glass of water infront of me that I'm working on.

Not much else to report on.. still kept my calorie balance around 50c/30p/20f

My goal this week is to stop peeking at the scale every morning and just wait til Sat. Am's WI...and drink my water.. ha

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

a yay and a boo...

* took a peek at the scale after waking up this AM.. 227.8! Down 2lbs since Sat's WI.
* I'm noticing I am thinking more positive and have more energy!
* I ate well today! 1750cals... upped the protein today.. was more like 50/35/15 (Carb/Prot./Fat)

* all that energy keeps me up at night! Usually if I can't sleep it's because I'm thinking about negative things like money or love... But now my thoughts are super positive and I'm thinking about all the awesome stuff I have accomplished and all the awesomness yet to come (YAY)

* I've got the sniffles today.. I had grand plans to clean my bedroom but I am just going to pack it in and go to bed and read.. and hopfully my positive energy thoughts will let me sleep tonight!

Monday, January 5, 2009

100th post!

Pretty neat!

GREAT day today... I did push myself at the gym today and feel awesome about! This must be what it feels like to have energy! I walked for 3.0mph, bumping the incline up every 5 minutes or so.. half way through I decided I could walk a little I bumped it up to 3.2mph. By the time the inclines were up to 3 .. I was feelin it! In the end I worked off 425 calories... I usually do 250cal ... so almost doubled it! I bet if I keep walking a little faster each time.. I'll double it! Very proud of myself!

I ate well today and got all my water in. I did have a cup of coffee with creamer and sugar.. not so clean.. but also not the end of the world either. I can't believe I'm doing salads and actually enjoying it. I think it's the avacado.. LOVE avacado. I've also been warming up my protein (turkey or beans or chicken) to put on top of my salad. I'm only using red wine vinegar and am so ok with that.

While walking I thought up a plan to get everything scheduled into my week. I will do my cardio (walking...eventually jogging!) on M/W/F/Sat. In a few weeks.. once I'm positive and settled into my cardio/eating routine (it's not good to change TOO much at once!) I will add strength training on T/Th/Sat. I will do this at home after I get back from working out my voice (need to practice the singing!). I still need to find a good program. I'll be doing it at home, in a small space. Not sure If I should eat before.. I'll be getting home from practice by 7...I don't want to eat late.. but I don't know if working out late is worse.. (thoughts anyone?) I have strength bands and a yoga ball... so i need to find a strength training program to do with those... or scrounge some money to get free weights.

Overall... great day.. I'm feeling positive and strong today. After my walk I went back to the changing room to grab my stuff.... I looked in the mirror , winked at myself.. and said

" You can do this... You ROCK!"

I hope you all had a great day!

believe in your self

After a fun little bet with Karen of Fitcetera, I started thinking that maybe I am not pushing myself enough. I do my little walk.. and while it's still good for me and burns about 250calorie.. I think.. no.. I KNOW I can do more.. I always say that 'If I can lose 5lbs this month' that's pretty good!..but..Maybe I'm not believing in myself enough.. or not pushing myself enough.. Maybe I could lose 2lbs a week...I know slow is good.. and 2lbs a week is still in the ok range.

Instead of saying '5lbs a month is good enough'.. I'm going to step it up and challenge myself to work hard and eat well and really test myself and see what I can do!!

I will not settle for mediocre... in health, in life, in exercise, in LOVE... I'm worth more!

(I'd cry.. kinda of want to.. what a powerful statement!!!.. but im at work!)

Protein Powder

I love me some smoothie.. but my protein powder is GROSS.

I'm using a store brand (wegmans) vanilla soy protein powder and sweet jesus, it's the most floury,batter tasting stuff ever. I should've got chocolate.. It was $12.50, so I'm not tossing it.. it's still protein powder in the end, and I need protein in the am..but.. For all you out there who use protein powder.. what are you using, and does it taste good?!

I use a scoop in my morning fruit smoothie, with soy milk.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

productive sunday!

I *WILL* be productive today.. I have a healthy breakfast..and am now off to the gym!

Spunkysuzi sent me a link to a great post about Oatmeal. I've been having issues with how to cook it and make it actually edible. Check out this post if you want some good tips on cooking oatmeal and WHY it's so good for you!

Ok.. off to the Gym.. 1 hour walk with Inclines since I skipped the gym yesterday!!
Do any of you ladies (or guys!) out there use the gyms weight machines? I'm trying to decide if I should use them...but not sure what ones to use. I need to talk to one of the gym trainers on monday about it.

Food Log
breakfast (10:30!)
1 cup cooked oatmeal with:
1 med. banana
2 Tbsp natural organic sodium free PB (couldve used just 1 Tbsp)
1 Tbsp sunflowerseeds (unsalted)
1 pckt Splenda *
about 520 calories.. whoo!

* splenda is not clean.. i know.. but i needed sugar! my oatmeal was bland : ( But with all my foods being pretty low in sugar.. i think 1 packet of splenda is ok...eventually I will break the habit. Anyone know anything about Truvia?? Wonder if that's a clean sugar sub?

Gym - walk, 45min, 3.0mph, .5 incline

baby carrots and hummus

1c sauted zuchinni
1c brown rice
1c bean chili

2c zuchinni
4oz chicken/bean burger
3cups salad
1/4 avacado
red wine vinegar dressing


1 cup TOTAL whole grains a day, so 1/2c cooked oatmeal, 1/2 rice
1/2c chili

It sucks to be on a food budget.. only spent $35 this week.. $10 over.. but I think i can take that out of my gas budget since I have no long trips planned. Lucky me for having a job around the corner... come spring.. I may just walk to work.. probably 15 or 20 minute walk..

Anyways.. at least I am eating healthy even if I have to stretch everything.. upside is that I'm automatically eating less..

Saturday, January 3, 2009


very unbalanced meals today.... and not clean really either... but.. tomorrow is a new day and went grocery shopping and have no excuse not to eat clean tomorrow!

kashi go lean cereal w/soymilk
protein shake w/soymilk and banana

8 (serving size is 4!) chik'n nuggets (tvp)
baby carrots and hummus

2 eggs scrambled w/ 1/4c cheese in a whole wheat wrap

2 reduced fat graham crackers w/ 2 tbsp natural pb

total calories 1860!

I was just hungry all day... and I realize that that hunger was not all true hunger.. a lot of it was me feeling sick (have a cold) and not really caring... another part was me being bored and lazy and not wanting to do any chores.. so I just sat around all day. At least tomorrow is a new day and I am prepared for it!

Weekly Weigh-in = a loss!

Good morning!

Well after new years eve/day's not tracking and not eating clean.. i still managed to lose this week..

2 lbs!

I have to say.. looking back on the week that the best things to do for me were to

1. drink water every day.. even if it wasnt 8 glasses
2. track my food (on sparkpeople)
3. measure portions
4. walk at least 3 times between weigh ins

I'm still trying to eat enough food calorie wise. I know that if you go to low you end up stalling yourself.. and I obviously don't want that.

Friday, January 2, 2009

and back on track!

Ate clean all day.. but really need to get groceries as I have not had enough to eat and am going to have a whole wheat english muffin with natural pb.

anyways.. happy to be back to watching what I eat. I excercised today as well.. 45 minute walk (250 cal).. pre-english muffin I am only at 1200 calories.. so still trying to balance this all out.

kashi golean crunch cereal (whole grains.. but some sugar.. hmm)
soy milk

baby spinach salad with
4oz turkey breast
1/2 of an avacado
red wine vinegar
baby carrotts
2 tbsp hummus

pre-gym snack
1oz almonds

Walk - 45 minutes (250cal)

1/2 cup cooked spinach
3/4 cup black bean chili
1 cup whole wheat couscous

whole wheat english muffin
2 tbsp natural pb

Thursday, January 1, 2009

Happy New Year!

I just came back from a whirl-wind 24 hours! I ended up driving 3 1/2 hours down state to a friends party.. got to hang out with a bunch of college friends and drank and ate WAY too much. I actually got sick... my body hasnt had this kind of food and drink in a LONG time! Lots of processed foods and so much cheese! It was in every dish I think! I'm seriously thinking I have dairy issues. I can tell my body is angry at me for not eating clean.. I'm so sluggish today.. no energy, my stomach is still off... and while I was up til 2am.. I still think what I ate has something to do with it!

Anyways.. have to work tomorrow.. yuck.. but then its the weekend.. so yay!
I was reading a blog over on which really spoke to me..If included it in this post. I hope you all had a great new years eve. Here's to a new year and new you!

Happy New Year! Are you ready to face your New Year’s Resolution? After all,

"A person who aims at nothing is sure to hit it" (author unknown).

If you are thinking of implementing a new weight loss plan think of today as the beginning of creating a new you with the special dream of a healthy weight, health and wellness. As this New Year emerges, think of it as the beginning of a journey of
discovery and because of this journey you may uncover skills and strengths you
never thought you had.

Let go of all old self-defeating and limiting conditions, whether they are negative belief systems or unhealthy habits. You might even think of new untried experiences as a way to stimulate your mind and creativity instead of huge challenges. So this as a year of total renewal of both mind and body, both physical and emotional.
You are not going to be the same person you were last year. You will be better. After all isn’t that what a new year is really about?