Monday, March 30, 2009

Weigh in

up 1lb to 219
Totally expected as I binged on stouffers french bread pizzas (2 boxes in one weekend)
and also thought that maybe I was retaing water because of my weight training class.. so I used that excusse to just keep eating crap... like the whole bag of chips I ate last night..

I did this to myself.. so i am the only one to blame.. I know what I should be eating and I have taken the steps to meet my goals this week

Breakfasts: oatmeal (packets, not clean, but oh well), fresh/frozen fruit (strawberries, banana, blue berries, soy milk.. might do smoothies but the protein powder I have is getting boring

lunch ... salads.. with chicken, olives, avacado, light asian sesame dressing ... grapes

snacks.. orange, almonds

dinner.. still have some turkey burgers, turkey chili...also have black beans.. may do tacos... all with big bowl of veggies...

I'm trying to be a little more strict with myself.. just for awhile.. If I have too many options then I get in trouble.. I need some guidelines in place.. but I also need to make myself be accountable.. no one else will do this for me...

What I have come to learn...

I've been focusing on my eating/health/weight/movement since mid December 08.
I spent a lot of time doing nothing this week but also thinking about this journey I am on.
I need to get out of this downward spiral I have ALLOWED myself to go into..
I went off on myself and life a few posts ago.. and I was very very angry at myself and my situation in life. It really wasn't directed to my weight loss efforts.. but It really should've been as this weekend was rough weight/eating wise.

I sabotaged myself severely this weekend. I had had it in my mind to re-vamp my eating plan come Monday (today)... so all weekend I ate like crap.. I had pizza both saturday and sunday night.. and last night a whole bag of chips. I told myself a few different things about this eating I was doing:

1. You are going to re-committ to a clean(er) eating plan on Monday.. salads for lunch.. less processed foods.. no added sugar.. So.. eating this pizza is ok
2. You did a crazy body pump (strength training) class Friday night (and boy did my body HURT saturday and sunday.. I can still feel it in the front of my thighs).. so its OK if you go easy on yourself this weekend
3. You feel empty and lost..and you don't know what you want.. so here.. let's eat this whole bag of chips.. and have another pizza for dinner.. f&ck it all.. just stuff yourself..

It was excuse after excuse..
I'm tired of half-assing my life.. seriously
Not only did I sabotage my weight loss.. but I really did a number on my self-wroth and self-esteem.. which is pretty low anyways..

I don't get what Im so afraid of.. and I know it's fear. What is holding me back from really being ME 100%? I've had moments where I am honestly happy with myself and my I know these feelings.. why is it so hard to access them now? As for being thin... I have never been.. so that's harder for me to know.

I think it's that I am afraid of letting go of this life I have known for the past 28 years.. of CHANGING and being who I really am.

I don't want to stay in this state of non-change, of being passive, of being depressed, of not caring about myself and in turn others, This isn't who I am and who I am meant to be.

So today I decide to stop wallowing in this black mess.. no more excusses.. no more lying to myself, or sabotaging my self ... It's not doing me any good and I will never reach one single goal of mine if I keep doing what I am doing now

so SNAP out of it Melissa...
and LIVE your life

and stop making EXCUSES because you are AFRAID

You have a safety net in friends and family that are they to help if need be

As for your career.. yes.. it's scary not knowing where/if you will find a teaching job.. but you will find something.. and you will find a way to move and take care of things...

Everything is going to be ok...

Saturday, March 28, 2009


what the hell is wrong with me today.. It was gorgeous out.. and I lazed around all day. I can't seem to keep myself in one mood.. I'm swinging back and forth between content and cranky almost every day... I'm not a fan of mood swings. I've also been clentching my teeth more then ever.. I know this is a sign of being angry about something.. I don't feel angry though.. I just feel annoyed and lost and everything but angry..

My body is so sore too... that body pump class was rough! 5 minutes of squats.. that's what I'm feelin today.. I feel like im 90 years old.. having to hold onto the sink to sit on the toilet.. clinging to the stair railing to get down the stairs.. what the hell!

What the hell to pretty much everything in my life...


Figure my shit out.. where I want to live.. what I want to do.. and get on with my LIFE.
and f'in be PROACTIVE instead of passive... Every weekend I do this.. I waste time when there are TONS of things I could (AND SHOULD.. hello taxes?!) be doing.. and I just don't do it!

I know its that I find it easier to just do nothing.. to not be active in my life and surroundings... It's become a habit.. these past 5 years have just wiped me out and made me close up and be passive in my life... IM SICK OF IT

SNAP OUT OF IT MELISSA... you are 28... so you had your life crisis with the car accident/losing both parents at 22... You've wallowed in it for almost 6 years now... GET OVER YOURSELF and just MOVE ON ALREADY


I'm so TIRED of doing nothing.. achieving little... wasting away my 20's and dreaming of how things could be and of how I should be acting in my life story...

You know what you F*CKING NEED TO DO... so JUST DO IT!!!!

/end rant to self

this is very a la 'Eat Pray Love'... which I just finished (for the 2nd time) and want to read again already... I want a year long journey to find myself.....

Friday, March 27, 2009

Well.. I did it

I finally went to a body pump class!

I feel like I got hit by a truck.. I kept the weights low.. and focuse on form more than anything. I did'nt even attempt to use any weights or the bar for squats.. my body weight was enough and I thought my legs were going to shatter into a million pieces... they also would not stop shaking/vibrating... the Leg set was BRUTAL.

I like how it's all choreographed.. I like repetition..and I also like that each muscle group is broken into 5 minute sets.. I even made myself do the push ups, planks, and side planks

I left exhausted, but VERY proud of myself. I was definitley the fattest girl there and I had to fight with my mind to shut up when I would do a lift with the bar and it would hit my stomache... I'm not going to be like that forever.

For more information... go here

Thursday, March 26, 2009

note to self...

You are not allowed to take a can of mixed nuts to bed with you...

not only do you get salt all over your comforter (and probably in the sheets... surprise for later..)

but You have NO control of the portion size..

just because you 'ran' tonight... does not mean you have permission to eat without thought... you certainly did not workout enough to make up for that mixed nut binge you just had...

well isn't that just special!

I ran for 5 minutes straight today... and get this.. it was EASY

I was inspired by the biggest loser episode where they had to run a half marathon and just thought 'hey.. if they can run for hours at a time.. I can manage 5 minutes'... and so I did...

nothing else really going on..back to the gym and It's nice although I am annoyed that there are more people in the gym now. I was only gone for a week and it seems like everyone and their mother is now at the gym when I am.. I usually go around 5:30 and it's pretty dead...

I'm really tempted to try the Body Jam class on Sunday.. i was watching the instructor practicing today.. this tiny woman just bouncin around going through the routine before tonights class.. and It made me smile.. it's at 10:30 on Sunday.. I may have to make an effort... I am also going to check out a body pump class for REALS this time.. I know I've been talking about it for months.. but I was busy with singing... maybe Ill check out tomorrows pump class.

I hope everyone is having a good week... anyone else feel like this week went by super fast.. not complaining becuase it's one more week down until June when I leave the most BORING office job in the world. March flew by too... again.. not upset!

Monday, March 23, 2009

and now for weight related news!

a little NSV for me!
I dug into my closet and pulled out some size 18 pants.. this after having my size 20's falling off and looking so frumpy that I just couldnt stand it anymore..

The pants that I thought would be too tight.. and still create too much muffin top.. well.. they actually fit..and just a tiny muffin top.. so I was very happy about that.. it was nice not to have to wear the same pants over and over again.. I have these 2 pants I had been rotating through for the past, oh, 5 months.. a black and a brown.. from Lane Giant.. elastic waist.. no shape.. and I am SOOOOO glad to be out of those.. I'm really tempted to burn them but am afraid the material, a lyrca kind of blend.. may be toxic.. haha

I found a couple tops that I had bought in the fall that were just a little tight that now are almost too big to wear.. I'm shooting for size 16 by June.. If I can lose at least 2lbs a week (so doable).. then I should be there.. AND be into ONEDERLAND... so that's my goal for June 1st.. be in size 16 and under 200lbs.. 18lbs to go.. 10 weeks to do it in.. I WILL do it.

Major Life decisions...

and not weight related...

I'm sitting here at work.. bored as usual because, really, this job could totally be part time but I'm not complaining.. at least I get paid full time though most of my time is spent bored, farting around on the computer...

I'm trying to decide what to do with my life... I'm kinda in a position where I could go and do anything.. but I'm not quite sure WHAT that is yet..

1. Go back to teaching public school music: I still really *do* want to work with children.. and I still want to be involved with music.. but I have let my teaching certification for New York State expire.. I can renew it, so that's not really an issue.. I think back to when I was teaching last year.. and I loved teaching 3rd grade through 6th.. If I could find an elem. job teaching 2-5th or 6th.. that would be great. I love being around he little ones because they are so non-judgemental and of course the hugs are a great perk.. I was *happy* teaching that age range. When I think back to when I was teaching MS/HS.. It was a struggle.. BUT.. i was in a district that had low support for music..and very apathetic students.. I'm not sold on teaching choir at those levels either.. It's been so long since I've been in a choral situation that I feel very nervous about it.. I guess I just feel rusty when It comes to teaching at that level. The plus side of that level, however, is getting to work on solo work with students... something I *love* to do.. so It's a toss up on where I want to be.. and also what STATE I want to be in...

2. which brings me to #2... WHERE to live. I really want to be either in a city or at least near one. I want singing ops and culture.. I'm done with living in upstate NY... I'm considering the long island area because I have a ton of friends down there... the Baltimore/DC area.. because I have friends there AND there is a University I would love to go to to work on my DMA... which I still want to look into even though I'm feeling out of sorts with singing (see #3). Then there is Portland Oregon.. where my twin sister is... THAT is a huge life change.. moving across the country, away from all of my friends and the life I have known.. but I get to be with my sister.. who I miss TERRIBLY.. we haven't seen each other in a year.. but I am afraid to leave everything else behind..

3. Singing... last nights concert was good... but I had a real hard time saying one positive thing about the experience as I was driving home.. I am so SO hard on myself.. I beat myself up about my voice and how I performed more than I ever have about being fat.. in fact.. I don't really beat myself up about anything.. except for singing. I don't know how that was ingrained in me.. I never had pushy teachers or parents.. I just brought it on myself.. something I really REALLY need to work on.. because If I cant enjoy singing.. then what's the point? Why put myself through this mental torture every time I go to sing?

4. I have the option to make my summer camp job a full time, year round, camp job. But It means I'd have to live in middle-of-nowhere PA.. at the camp.. year round. I find it appealing sometimes.. I mean.. I get free housing, a food budget, free utilities, and a salary of at least $30K a year.. and I think I would be able to pay all my bills and students loans with that... but it's not really music related.. I wouldn't be teaching.. Id be doing office work.. and while I could probably set up my own teaching studio out of house.. it isn't a great area for finding students... My weak self just wants to give up on everything and just take the camp job full time/year round... then I don't have to worry about anything... but that feels like such a cop-out... but I also know the owner of the camp is really hoping I do take the job as it would free up more of his time.. and I do love working there.. tough call on that one..

5. I guess most of this is all waiting to see what happens with my parents estates come May. It always comes down to $.. where can I afford to move to.. can I even afford to move.. in that case then working at camp might have to be what I do.. I hate that I just cant give a definite YES to one thing.. my mind is wandering in too many areas and I'm not 100% sold on any of them and I hate that.. I want some direction and I want it now.. and I want to not be such an emotional wreck.. I know it's my choice to be happy or not.. but what is it so hard for me to stick with it. My voice teacher said that or situations start to become habits.. I keep crying in my lessons when I get frustrated.. it's a habit and I need to deal with it and break it.. just like this uncertainty and my victim mentality is a habit.. I've been swimming in it since my parents both passed away 5 years ago.. it's so ingrained in me and It's going to take a massive emotional and mental change to get over it... and that change is SCARY.. I keep saying I want to be happier, do yoga, meditation, gratitude journals.. all these things.. but I never step up to it.. I'm afraid to be this happy person and it's frustrating that I keep myself in this dark place... I have a few times to refer back to when I was actually happy and productive.. so I know it can be done.. I just need to take the risk to change and be a better person

I know I need to change.. and I have some huge life changing situations to deal with.. how to find direction though?! Luckily it's Spring.. time for renewal.. cleaning out all the clutter.. I just need to actually DO it this time.. I do deserve the life that I have in mind ... it's time.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Sunday Weigh In!

Last week: 221
This week: 218

-3 lbs GONE!

And I think I can officially say I am OUT of the 220's!

I really really watched what I ate this week and stayed in my calorie range... I did not get to the gym once, however, and will be getting back into that tomorrow.

This past week has been busy... dealing with car issues.. getting ready for a concert.. and then singing through all these emotions!

Tonight is my concert... 7pm.. I'm taking it easy this morning.. going to go do some yoga... take a long shower... just take it easy! I'm really looking forward to the concert tonight.. the music is gorgeous and no matter what happens, its going to be great!

I'm sorry I haven't been around to comment and what not.. I'm finding after I spend the day infront of the computer at work, I really don't want to stare at it when I get home! I'll play catch up tomorrow!! I hope you all have a great rest of your weekend!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

oh sweet baby jesus!

I was just leaving a reply to Tricia's post about looking for new blogs to read...

and for some reason I thought it would be funny to see a blog named:

Fart Faces Fat Fight!

And then I laughed until I cried like and old man and then had a stich in my side

It was a good laugh.. and then I thought..

"man.. why is this cracking me up so much?"

"oh yeah.. I haven't actually LAUGHED like this in MONTHS"

that's what stress will do to you kids... keep you from really letting go and laughing!

good ol' Fart Face does it every time..

HA.. it just did again..

I just have to say Fart Face and I lose it...

oh lord please let me stay this crazy happy.. even if it IS Crazy!

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Car dilema...

Repairs to the suv today did not fix it completely.. cylinder #5 is still showing up on the check engine light errors... today they replaced the spark plug to #5, checked the rpm compression .. car still shakes and is sluggish on hills and the engine sounds like a diesel engine.

I don't have any more $ to put into this 2002 santa fe that has 105k miles and $5k left on the loan

but.. I need a car for work and gigs...I have to be in Syracuse tuesday night (1hr 15m drive) for a rehearsal.. and back up Sunday afternoon for the concert.

the shop said that there is still something wrong, possibly the fuel injection for cylinder#5...and then there's the 'knocking' engine (the diesel engine sound)... so even if I get the injection replaced.. there could still be issues.

So do I ask for a salary advance from my summer job... pray I get some $ from the sale of my fathers estate/closing of mom's estate that will tide me over the summer.. and keep fixing my suv? I put in $550 today.. half went on what was left of the credit on my monro muffler credit card (where I took it to get fixed btw... lucky I had some $ left there).. the rest is coming from my paycheck I'm getting for next weekends concert. I was going to use that money to pay for getting my taxes done and save a little for the summer and transition to a new job after the summer.

Or should I not fix it.. pray it lasts until May when I may get some $ from estate sales... just drive to syracuse tuesday and sunday.. and then walk to work the rest of the time... keep my car off the road until I have to drive back home for the estate sale May 2nd... and then after I see where I am $-wise.. either fix my suv or try to get into something used-new?

I tried to get into something used-new last time (end of Jan.) but my credit isn't good and I didn't have a down payment.. but I would be trading in

I really don't know what to do... I guess I'm leaning towards just getting my summer pay advanced.. fix the suv... and pray I get some $ from the Estate to tide me over in the summer

Thoughts? I'm actually going through all my stuff to see what I can sell.. looking for any way to get some extra cash... tv.. instruments.. dvds... books... a savings bond that comes to maturity in 2010

It's like.. "what the hell!".. when do I fucking get my break?! I've spent the past 5..almost 6 years now dealing with crap.. trying to get my life back in order.. trying to find some peace and happiness... and I feel like I just keep getting kicked back down. I mean.. I know its all going to work out in the end and that this is NOTHING compared to what other people are dealing with and in the grand scheme of life.. this is just a bump.. albeit..a HUGE bump... in my journey... it just really sucks because I am really stretching for money and am worried about how I'm going to afford everything come summer and into fall... what with moving, finding a new teaching job, dealing with the estate in may

send any and all positive vibes my way.. and seriously.. if anyone has any suggestions on my car issues and/or lack of $... please let me know

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Mental health day...

I woke up before 7 this morning in tears. I was dreaming about my Mom for some reason. It was one of those dreams where it is so real and I must've started crying in the dream.. then woke up.. and was actually crying.

Not a good start to the day... and I could not pull myself together.. so I called into work and  call in sick ("migraine").. which.. i do have a headache now after crying so much.

It will be 6 years this July since my Mom passed away. I get scared when moments like this happen. It's so easy just to spiral down into nothingness but I have a better handle on it as the years go by. I'm pretty sure this was triggered by stress because of closing my fathers estate and uncertainty of the future. I havent been really missing my mom.. this dream really came out of knowhere.

as for the dream.. I was at a wedding.. my sister was getting married.. and I turned to my mom, crying, and she asked why i was crying... and I said 'becaus I'm afraid you're not going to be there for my wedding'... and then I woke up sobbing..

The sad/weird thing was that I could not see her face... and it made me realize that I can only picture her because of the photos I have of her... which breaks my heart.. 

I'm also getting close to 'that time of the month'... so I imagine I'm getting emotional because of that..

and as for work... I probably could have gone in.. but I had one more sick day left.. and in the grand scheme of things.. me not being there will not bring the office down.. life will go on and they will manage... and I refuse to let work bother me anymore. 

anyways.. that's the start of my day... still going to go to the gym and practice...and try to shake off these feeling... its scary to wake up like that.. makes me really wish I had health insurance and a therapist...

Sunday, March 8, 2009

Sunday Weigh In!

DOWN 2.8 lbs
Current Weight: 219.6

I managed to turn my thoughts around, made some better choices in food and exercise...

I needed this loss after the past few weeks. I was definitely in a mini-depression.. mostly about $. I am extremely grateful to a bunch of friends who really stepped up to lend a hand and helped me realize that there is help if needed and I do not have to do this all on my own... that it is 'OK' to ask for (and receive) help.

Planned out my food for the week... yogurt w/granola and berries for breakfast... I may still do protein shakes in the afternoon.. grilled chicken sandwich w/avocado for lunch, with grapes.. and salad or veg and bean/turkey chili for dinner... I can never get sick of chili.. it's been a few weeks since that's been on my menu..

Things are looking up for this coming week...hitting the gym M-F. Will practice music after work then go to the gym.. then home for dinner. May be a later dinner then normal... like 7 or 8.. but I don't got to be until 11, so I think that's enough time to digest...

Just gotta keep doing what works.. I can't worry about the future.. I'll get there when I get there.. I need to stay focused on what is going good for me now... prepare as much for the future as I can.. but really.. just let it happen. I can't sit here today worry about what may happen in the future with my $ issues... with losing weight... with finding a good job... It made me just tailspin into depression, anger, and sadness.. all things that work against me and make me miserable.. which in turn stall any weight loss and emotional well-being efforts....

I hope you all had a good weekend and have a great week!

Friday, March 6, 2009

shifting into gear!

I'm shifting gears today.. for the first time in probably 2 weeks.. I feel positive and feel like my depression is lifting..

I was reading this blog and it really helped me to turn my thoughts around..

What's really important to you?
Is chocolate or chinese or what ever food more important than being healthy and losing weight?


It's not...

It's going to be hard.. but I really need to reign in my eating.. focus on healthy foods
I've got my water down... exercise is 2 for 5 this week..

I need to stop being all talk and just DO

note to self

I went by the vending machine today and made the choice to get some chips to have with my sandwich I brought.. put my money in.. ordered the honey mustard pretzels.. denied "make another selection'.. WTF! They are right there.. give me my snack!! So I tried another chip.. doritos.. 'make another selection'.. but they are RIGHT THERE...

I went to make another selection but hit the 'refund' button instead..

obviously the universe is telling me to step away from the vending machine and to just be satisfied with the sandwich and grapes I brought for lunch...

; )

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

did I do it...

Yes.. I DID go to the gym after work.. and then came home and made falafel (not fried, baked!) but had a second serving.. didn't make it to practice tho.. SO cold.. so I finished my taxes instead.. still owe.. but not as much as I thought.. I think I am going to take my stuff to a tax preparer though.. there were some questions on the online prep that I had no clue on.. so.. once I get paid for my singing gig in mid march.. i will finish my taxes.

I'm up to 223 this morning... I can't get to the gym tonight because of a meeting.. I know I'm retaining because of my mood/emotions.. I'm stressed about $.. but I just have to decide to be at peace with it all so I can de-stress.. I've come too far to back slide all the way back to 234 (or worse, 245.. my highest in the past few years)

I think maybe I'm a little lost with what to eat.. I mean.. I know what I should be eating... but I think I can do better and wonder if there is an eating plan out there that I could follow..I feel like I'm eating too many carbs/starches... not that I am against them.. I am not an atkins fan.. and know the importance of carbs...

I didn't get to cook this weekend so I bought stuff for salads for lunch.. but I really do not enjoy salads.. and I don't have enough 'stuff' to put on them.. and they have never been filling for me... so last night I made some weird mix of food for lunch.. ditalini pasta, black beans, squash and chili spice.. i put 1/4c of cheese on top to melt when I microwave it for lunch..

I'm totally not following a 'clean eating' diet anymore.. I've added back in sugar.. and while I still check lables for High fructose corn syrup.. I know I've added more processed foods back in.. like the lite ranch dressing i used on my falafel sandwiches last night..

I'm on the edge of not caring about what I eat.. and that's not good. All weekend I thought about buying a bag of doritos.. and actually had them in hand at one point (but put them back).. I'm frustrated.. and I know it's all because my LIFE is frustrating right now.. too much uncertainty and I'm just anxious... It makes it really hard to lose weight when you head really isnt in the game..

so my question to you all...

What is working for you food wise...
how do YOU combat the 'I wan't to give up/i'm tired of trying/this is hard' feelings/thoughts.

It's hard for me to ask for help.. but really...


Tuesday, March 3, 2009


I haven't been posting daily.. and my weight loss has been minimal if at all..

I think I was doing the best when i was writting on here every day, tracking my food, and doing my exercise..

Tonight after work I WILL GO TO THE GYM, cook a HEALTHY dinner, and go PRACTICE

I can't let all of lifes uncertainties ($, future job?!) derail all the postive things that have happend in the past few months. I've lost around 12lbs since tracking/journaling.. I know I can do better than I did in Feb. and will get out of this slump!

Monday, March 2, 2009


Slow monday here at work.. and a little drama ofcourse.. but not my drama!

I had a voice lesson yesterday with my voice teacher from Grad School. It had been over a year since I worked with her. It was a good lesson and I came out of it with some pointers that I had forgot over time and some new ideas to work with. We talked about life before the lesson and I became upset.. but she is used to that.. she worked with me while I was going through my heavy grief period, which is still affecting me a little.. but not as much for sure... so she is used to seeing my tears. I also told her about my financial situation. I didn't plan on having another lesson before the concert..but she told me that I could pay $20 a lesson and then do dog sitting or work around the house.. a trade for lessons. Before I left I thanked her for all she has done and she said something that has stuck with me since... she said: "I am honored to have helped your through that part of your journey'


I am so grateful for her and other people who have stepped up to help in a very trying time for me... Carol has been there for me through a lot.. and I'm glad I get to work with her a few more times before I move out of Ithaca.

My best friend Eva and I hung out saturday.. and even though I told her not to get me anything for holidays.. she did anyways.. a $30 gift card to target and $50 to wegmans (a grocery store).. made me cry to know that there are people out there to help. I've never asked for help.. she just knew money was tight..

I guess I've just made myself get used to doing things on my own since my parents arent around and my sister is off in Portland.. I've become used to being independent.. having these two people step up to lend a helping hand.. made me really feel blessed and very very humble.

I don't have to do this alone...there *are* people to help.. I just need to be ok with asking if I need it.. I guess I'm a little proud and don't want to come across as pathetic or needy.. I don't know.. It makes me really want to 'pay it forward' somehow..

I'm going to try to write every night.. a list of things I am grateful for.. yeah.. there are crappy things happening in the world and in my own life.. but there is a silver lining to it all.. and there is beauty, love, and kindness all around...

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another
person.Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have
lighted the flame within us.

- Albert Schweitzer

Sunday, March 1, 2009

WI results

Not surprised at all..

gained 2.4lbs

putting me back to 222.4

Will be changing up my diet and exercise this week...
and ofcourse drinking tons of water...

Here's to a good week and a productive March!!!!!