Saturday, February 28, 2009
I hung out with a really good friend today... and everything came bubbling out.... my financially situation...loosing John... not liking my job.. not sure where my life is going... if I've made the right decisions in career and life.. I just broke down and lost it...
I know things are going to turn around.. I just feel so stuck right now... I really need to remind myself of all the positive things going for me now.. Everything will fall into place... I just need to keep my options open and work on not getting stuck in the 'what if's'. What's done is done.. move forward.
weight loss wise... I could've worked out harder...could've made better choices... but I don't feel like I failed... I know there is room for improvement and I plan to make those improvements in this next month.
moving forward.. ya can't change the past...
Sunday, February 22, 2009
I don't know how I used to eat that stuff all the time... white rice, sesame chicken, dim sum and an egg roll... not worth it..
maybe instead of one meal a week to have whatever I want.. I'll just give myself a day off from counting calories..
the up side is that at least food doesn't have such a hold over me anymore... maybe I wont even do a 'splurge' meal next weekend...although I am meeting up with a friend on saturday..hmmm
I said a month ago that I wanted to reach 220 by the first full week of FEB... so I'm a few weeks off.. but at least I reached it IN Feb.
Goal for next week is to break into the teens... shooting for 218
I've been really lazy this weekend.. well not total sloth lazy.. but lazy enough. I did manage to get in my 'last chance workout' yesterday an put in an hour on the treadmill... the whole time i was walking I was thinking of new ideas for the summer program I teach at.. I should really carry a mini voice recorder to take down my thoughts... because when I get home, I don't write anything down..
I also did grocery shopping yesterday.. stuck to my budget.. $30 at Aldi's... and didn't have to go anywhere else. I do, however, need to get more protein powder.. I don't think it's going to last me all week... thank goodness walmart, as much as I hate that store, has $15 2lb jugs of protein powder... I find when I have 25% of calories from Protein a day.. I lose weight. Lately I've been eating around 50%carb, 25%Fat, 25% protein. The Zone diet is I guess similar to this.. maybe it's 40/30/30.. I love bread too much (and bananas) to get my carbs down to 40...
Lazy sunday today... going to the opera at 2 then having my splurge meal after. I've decided on chinese since I haven't had it in months and I've been craving mystery meat. Speaking of meat.. I've added it back into my diet... I'm not a real vegetarian, and I don't pretend to be.. while I do try to limit it... a girl can only have beans and tofu for so long! This weeks lunches will be chicken sandwiches w/grapes (mmmm!).. and I'm going to make a shepherds pie tomorrow night.
1. drink that water.. it's helping!
2. stay in the moment.. no need to worry about what's to come.. cross that bridge when you get there.. especially when it comes to $/taxes.. those thoughts do not need to control your life/emotions/mental health!
3. Hit the gym at least 4 times if not 5.. you were a little slack last week
4. keep tracking on sparkpeople... keeping calories between 1750-1950
Have a great rest of the weekend!!
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Dreams are necessary to life.
and kept reading on through a list of her quotes and many spoke to me... but this next one really set me off...
Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.
I have spent SO long in a state of fear... and fear of many things.... but most recently it is fear of Money and my inability to have a healthy relationship with it. I speak mainly of debts and the looming federal and state tax bill I have to pay. This is not something I can change now.. it is something I have to come to accept and deal with. I made mistakes and now I have to pay the consequences..
I can NOT let this make me immobile to life and to living. This whole week I've been down and what these negative feelings and emotions all boil down to is my issue with $ right now. I feel good about everything thing else in my life... my weight loss efforts, my career efforts.. but money issues are really dragging me down.
I will not live my life in fear.. wether it be fear of money... of love.. of loss
I need to live my life to fullest NOW.. in the PRESENT.. not in the past or even the future..
There is no reason I can't start my day with a smile and a positive attitude.. NO REASON at ALL!
Time to snap out of what ever this funk is and get back to living my life... I know I'm feeling bound and helpless in Ithaca now... with no friends around.. a job that isn't putting me any closer to career goals... a financial situation that is unfortunate but fixable...
but I have goals in mind.. a future to fulfill and I cant pause my life until the ideal situations come along.... I need to stay in the moment and take life at its full value
Yes.. you owe a lot of money in taxes... you take full responsibility for it and will find a way to take care of it.. in the meantime.. you have been making excellent choices about how to spend and save money... all of your credit cards are no longer fully maxed out and you are paying them down... you have money left after paying bills to put aside...
Yes.. losing weight is HARD.. but look how far you have come in past 2 months... down 12lbs.. thats an average of 6lbs a month.. exactly where you need to be...losing weight at a good pace and making better choices every day. You have found ways to increase water, increase exercise and increase protein and have a blanced 'diet'.
yes... your job isn't ideal ... but it could be worse.... at least you work with relatively nice people and your job is, for the most part, a pretty easy job. You have learned new skills (billing) and enjoy helping others and seeing the station succeede. You also have a summer and possible fall of amazing opportunities with Ballibay... being able to really stretch your leardership 'wings' and build the music program up! Remember your feelings of pride and passion you have at Ballibay as you look for teaching jobs for the fall... your reasons for avoiding teaching public school music are outnumbered by the reasons you love teaching and spreading your love and passion for music.
I leave you with more Anais Nin quotes... I need to find out more about this author...
Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.
And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.
How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.
Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.
Wednesday, February 18, 2009
The only constant you will have in your life is your relationship withCommon Myths about Happiness
yourself. People will come and go, material possessions can be taken away or
lost, but you will always remain. And how you feel about yourself will make a
big difference in how you interpret your life.
Posted using ShareThis
Monday, February 16, 2009
I had a meeting at camp last night and while I have been given more responisbilities in the summer (which is what I asked for)... things are a little iffy for after the summer. I'd like to work for the camp full time.. but to do that.. i'd have to actually LIVE at the camp.. in the middle of no-where PA.. for the whole time. I guess I had it in my mind to work for camp on my own terms.. i.e.. living in/near the city.. doing work from my home office.. and taking the evenings to teach a perform. That's not what John (the Boss) had in mind.. so now my thoughts of 'what to do with my life' all come flooding back in... And then after just starting (not finishing.. I became frustrated..) my taxes.. It looks like I am going to be OWEING a butt load of taxes back. It didn't help that I had 4 different jobs last year.. and one of them in PA.. it also didn't help (and OH how I regret this one..).. that I emptied the 7K out of my IRA because I 'needed the Money'.. I can't even remember why I thought I needed that money last year.. I was teaching so I had a pretty descent salary.. something must've came up (my guess is either car problems or Student Loan payments)...and I had to take that money out. or maybe I just felt that since I hadn't put any money in there since 2003.. that it was a waste..
well.. now I'm paying for that huge mistake... I think my biggest goal this year ( after losing my weight ofcourse..) is getting my life financially stable. I am in no way living outside my means now.. I'm making 25K/yr at this radio job.. and I am on a strict budget. I guess I should've paid more attention when I was teaching.. I kind of just didn't think about $ because I knew it would always be there.. but things crept up on me.. I moved.. I changed jobs.. i was unemployed for awhile.. life got in the way.
Now I'm confronted with how to pay back all these taxes... and what to do with my life after the summer.
If I work for camp year round.. I'd have to live in PA.. the reason I'm leaving upstate ny is becuase there are so few teaching/performing opportunities... and if I move to PA.. then I'm still in that situation... BUT.. as part of my salary/compensation... I get to live there for free.. utilities are free and I get a food budget... But can I still afford to pay all my bills. They don't know how much they have or if they can afford me. I need to sit down and figure out how much I pay towards bills.. including the student loans that will be coming back into effect this summer (can't defer forever...)
ughh.... and to top it all off.. I think I'm allergic to gum.. or at least something in the gum because while I was cheweing a piece of stride spearamint gum.. the vein or maybe salivary gland? under my tounge on the left side became swollen and it was hard to swallow...and actually kind of hurt and made my left side of my jaw/ear hurt and feel a little numb. This has happend once before.. but I don't remember chewing gum then.. I was reading up online about anything similar and it ofcourse came back with a bazillion different ideas... cysts in the glands.. salivary 'stones'.. but nothing saying that gum can cause an allergic reaction like what I had.. I'll just stay away from gum I guess...
and.. my throat is itchy.. I think it was just dry air last night.. and I took a benadryl thinking it would help with my inflammed tounge vein...
oh life.... *sigh*
I at least had a pleasant surprise on the scale this am.. couldnt resist the temptation of the all-knowing scale..
bodies are weird....
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Previous weight: 223.4
Current weight: 221.4
Scale is finally moving again!
I credit this to
1. Drinking more than 8 glasses of water on most days
2. really staying with in my calorie limits/tracking food
3. Exercising 5 days this week
4. Thinking positive about myself and weight loss.... allowing my body to let go of the fat
I really think my mini goal of being at 200 by June 1st is very attainable.. I just need to stay on track...stay focused and CONSISTENT.
Friday, February 13, 2009
1. I get a call at work from my half brother - our grandma had passed away yesterday from a stroke. This makes me sad because I hadn't seen her since 2005. After my mom left my dad, his side of the family said some pretty nasty things about my mom and my sister and I haven't really spoke to that side of the family.. even after my mom and dad passed away. It's a rough, uncomfortable area of my life. I feel bad that my grandma died.. but after getting the call about your mom and then your dad passing.. what else is there left to say. My sister and I talked about that for awhile. We've went through so much grief at once that now other deaths don't seem as shocking (for lack of better term).. and not that I'm not sad that my grandma is gone.. she was old and all.. but I guess I can't process death the same way other's do.. I'm too used to it.. which is in a way good and I guess bad... because I am, in my mind, a pretty emotional accesible person.
2. Had a fight with a co-worker this morning... I'm completely done with this persons attitude at work and towards me. He thinks he's the best thing in the world and nothing (and no one else) matters.. It really pissed me off enough today to go to my boss about it. It's people like this jerk that make me not want to work there anymore.. I felt very under appreciated today.. and this guy also made me feel like an idiot and that I wasn't important... totally uncalled for and unacceptable. I think belittleing someone is one of the meanest things you can do...
3. I'm way tired and it's totally that Time of Month... which didn't help with the above (nothing like crying infront of your male boss...ha)
After all that.. somehow.. and surprisingly .. my day improved.
1. An old family friend stopped by the office... little did we both know that we actually work in the same building.. and on the same FLOOR. He is 3 offices down from the station.. totally crazy! It was really nice to reconnect with him and his family. They lived next to my family at our summer home... and had just found out about my parents this past week.. hence why they sought me out. He offered his condolences and any help if I need anything since they live 20 minutes from me. We made plans to do dinner when his daughter (a close friend growing up in the summer) to me comes home for Easter break. That was really nice!
2. Yesterday was a little crazy with some orders we had coming in.. I went out of my way for one of the sales guys... it wasn't really a difficult task.. but he came in this afternoon with a little box of chocolates to thank me for going "above and beyond yesterday".. and for Vday as well.. It was really sweet and totally unexpected. It's nice to know there are still nice guys in the world... His wife and kids are really lucky!
3. Even though I was tired.. and ALMOST bailed on the gym... I went anyways and somehow found the energy to run for 7 minutes (not consecutively.. but still).. I actually did a full 3 minutes at one point. I don't understand how I am able to do that when I'm PMS'y... and other days when I think Im ok... I just drag ass... Funny. But.. I was freaking proud of myself for really pushing myself. I had a mental dialogue of inspiration going through my head while running.. mostly "why do you want this" kind of stuff. So that was pretty neat!
So all my negatives balanced out with some positives today... which was super awesome! I'm really thinking of starting a gratitude journal... but for now I'm going to keep it here... I think it's nice to pay things forward and if someone reads this and smiles because of it.. that would be neat. This week is national 'Random Act of Kindness' week... which I love because my mom was SO pro- Random Act of Kindness and I thought it was fitting that it started the day of her would be 53rd Birthday (2/9).
Have a great weekend, everyone! I get to do taxes... and I think I'm finally going to have that meeting about making camp administration full time. I also noticed at the gym that they are doing an intro class to the weight class I want to take... at 1030 on sunday.. which I am totally going to check up.. just to see what it's all about!
Take a moment to think about what things made you grateful today!
JILLIAN MICHALES.. of Biggest Loser fame!!
It was a phone interview.. but I was able to gush over her and tell her how much I loved the show and how great she was... I was actually quite composed for being put on the spot.. She was very friendly and really appreciative..
I'm going to try to get the mp3 of the interview for you all because she had some pretty awesome things to say...and she was mad cute about it all.. Love her!!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
When : Always February 11th
Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day is in recognition that everyone spills a little milk now and then. It's a day to be optimistic, think positive, look on the bright side, and to find something good in everything that happens. As the song says: Don't Worry, be Happy!
Today is a day to recognize that s_ _ _ happens. And, when it does, Don't worry, or fret, or cry over it. Rather, take a positive attitude and fix it, or get past it.
We all know the concept of the question: Is the glass half full or half empty? The pessimist sees it as half empty. The optimist sees it as half full. It's all an attitude towards life.
You should participate in "Don't Cry over Spilled Milk Day" with an optimistic attitude and a smile on your face.!
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
So glad to be back in land of positive thinking and forward motion...
Monday, February 9, 2009
still at 223.5
I FEEL smaller..and I am noticing more muscle in my legs.. so I'm just going to go with 'I am gaining muscle..which weighs more than fat (and is helping me get RID of my fat)... so I'm not stressing... If I'm *still* at 223.5 next weekend.. I will take measurements..
This week I will not waste time at night.. I have fat to lose and a concert to prepre for.. so.. After work M-F I will go to the gym.. 30-45m walk.. if I can walk fast(er) I will do less time.. I also want to add the weight machines, just for the upper body 2-3 times per week
I am having more food and breakfast and lunch so I can have a smaller meal/light meal after the gym.. then it's up to the college to practice
In bed..lights off by 11... up at 7am...
I need to be consistent. I looked back at the weeks where I lost..and my calories were between 1600-1800... this past week I was above 2000 the majority of the week..and only worked out 3 times. I need to move 5-6 days/week. I will take sunday off.. but perhaps will do yoga or pilates.. and I will still go practice. Just like being consistent with working out.. I have to be consistent with singing. The voice is a muscle and needs to be worked out too.. It's been awhile since I practiced daily.. and my voice is showing that... It was very tired yesterday.. I just need to take it slow this week.. don't get ahead of myself. I'm warming up before work for 20 minutes.. in the car.. but better than nothing.. I can do this...
Have a good week everyone.. not sure how much I will be posting during the week!
Saturday, February 7, 2009
what's more important.. watching tv and wasting time on the internet... or getting fit and healthy...
/end note self...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
My body and voice were pretty dead yesterday. I had planned to do day 2 for the C25k program but my body wasn't having it.. it was a struggle to even walk fast.. much less jog! I ended up just walking for 40 minutes and fought really hard to not get down on myself...at least I DID do some form of movement.
I have dinner after my workout.. had veggie curry over some wild rice.. then I go up to the college to practice. I have a concert in a little over 5 weeks and my voice is so out of shape. Yesterday I tried to practice and I couldn't even vocalize in my upper range. I think with my body being tired.. I just couldn't get my voice to function.. I still worked a little.. but it wasn't feeling healthy, so i didn't push. I have some junk in my throat today.. but I'm going to go over to practice after work today and see if practicing earlier helps. I could just be getting sick.. but I refuse to accept that as I feel fine.. I think i was just tired yesterday.. Must stay positive about this or I will not get anywhere Vocally and I only have 5 weeks to feel secure in all this music I have..
I think I'm going to make M/W/F my singing ONLY days.. Cardio will be T/TH/S.. and probably Sunday... Strength... hmm.. I could just wait to start Body Pump after the concert... yeah.. so maybe strength will just be done after cardio with the gyms machines.. and now that I've learned a new Tricep exercise (MizFit is a-MAZING) (see video ) I feel fine just doing basic strength now... I think i was getting a little ahead of myself.. I'll try the c25k again on friday.. but maybe my body isn't ready for that either.. I do have 225lbs on my frame to contend with. I keep thinking about these Biggest Loser people who are running.. but then remind myself that they have drs around and as we saw on an episode a few weeks ago.. they have icing time.. which kind of struck me as not good.. but that's a different post.
Monday, February 2, 2009
* I got in an hour of singing tonight.. my voice has such a strange, amazing new dark color to it..not sure that's the best color for Rutter.. but it will have to do!
* I at all my food today, drank 8 glasses of water, and even had room for some PB on toast..
* met my goal of 25% Fat/ 25% protein/ 50% carbs ... it's at this ratio I lose the best...
* Did the first day of the Couch 2 5K jogging program.. almost cried at the end of my last 1-minute jog because I was so freakin' happy I did the damn thing! It's so true when they say 'running can be euphoric'... I sure felt on top of the world!
* My car is running just fine now
* a friend who owes me $$ finally paid some of it back today.. now I can afford a lesson or two...
* I saw the most gorgeous sunset today.. deep pink and yummy.. reflected on the lake...
* Had a good talk with my roommate about a lot of things. We rarely talk, and I'm glad we are doing more of it.. I kind of shut everyone out this past fall..so I never really got to know her when i first moved in.. This was one of my goals for the year...
* I'm so blessed to have so many people in my life who are going through the same battle.. It's great to read all these blogs. PLUS.. I have a sparkgroup of some college peeps and we are keeping track of ourselves and eachother on that sparkpage.. so GREAT (Hey T!!)
* life is just good... going to work on keeping it that way with as few down moments as possible (but recognize that you can't eliminate the bad stuff completely!... how boring would that be?!)
Also, check out Hangrypants, they are giving away some yummy looking almond butter!
I ofcourse entered.. I have yet to win any prizes since blogging.. not that that's why I blog.. I actually had no idea people did that. If my blog ever got big, id totes do some giveaways!
As for the Month of January... had some gains and some major losses..
but ended up losing 9.2lbs
not too bad! It beat my goal of 6 - 8lbs a month..
I've got some great plans for Feb..
I am starting the Couch 2 5k , jogging program today
and this Friday is my first BODY PUMP class.. and I'm freakin scared to death of it.. but SOOOOO want the challenge (and results) from it.
Eating is back to good.. eliminating sneaky sugars and keep tracking on sparkpeople.
Staying positive and looking forward.. I can do this...
THIS is exactly why the scale is not a good tool for determining where you are. I ate really well all weekend, but am a little backed up if ya know what I mean.. and I attribute that to todays high number. I think i was getting a little high on the carbs.. mainly bread.. but it couldve been the tofu last night too.. had teriakiy sauce on it... EITHER way.. I averaged my weekend to be 223.5 which puts me at least down from my last 'official' WI.
I'm still trying to decide if I want to wi on saturday or monday... my schedule is off on the weekend so I'm not getting all my meals/snacks in.. I guess I can just keep it Saturday and just make myself stay on track as best I can on the weekend.
Have a great day everyone!