Tuesday, January 27, 2009

one day at a time ... Relationships

This post has nothing to do with weight loss and should really belong in a personal journal but I started it and I'm hoping some of you ladies (or guys) can just tell me I'm doing the right thing here because My heart and mind are at war...

I am on a downward spiral tonight.
I had to as the ex for a ride home from work since no one in the office was around to help me out. I regretted asking immediately. I have been SO strong with keeping him out of my life this past month. Granted - him being away on winter break helped. I was really able to just focus on me and It really did amazing things for me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

That all ended after a simple phone call.

I know I had no other options.. but I'm mad at myself for having to bring him back into my life. I'm sure he thinks that I must be ok with being friends with him because I asked for help. and that is SO far from the truth.

While walking out to his car after work I had to tell myself to be cold.. to not give in to anything... and it's not like he is a manipulative person..I still just miss him so freaking much.. I miss having someone to talk to and just be with. We tried to be friends after the break up in August.. and it worked for the most part. I can't just forget what we had though... I don't know how he can act like we never dated and that everything is ok. He doesnt understand how I can't just be friends.

God i was so cold in the car to him.. I HATE that.. I am not a cold person.. I loved this guy... I fucking MOVED back to Ithaca for him! I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him.. and I thought he was on the same page!

I think what bugs me the most is how we never really closed the relationship.. we just went into being friends (well.. after a month of not speaking). There is so much left between us that is unanswered.. I guess at least for me.

He ended it because he realized he didn't 'love me anymore'.... I'm sorry.. but we just spent the past year pretty darn happy.. talking about our futures together.. buying a house... we went to a wedding in July and he seemed perfectly happy. I moved back to Ithaca in August and 3 days later he tells me he doesnt love me and we should end things.

My whole world just crashed down around me.. He later tells me that he thinks we should never have gotten together in the first place.... So what.. this past year meant nothing?! "no" he says " it meant something at the time"... well obviously not if you thought we shouldnt have been together in the first place..

I want to know why the hell he wasted my time.. and what moment in time did he decide we shouldnt be together.. because frankly.. he seemed pretty fucking happy up until I moved back.

I still think to this day that he just didn't want to hurt me.. so he kept at it.. stringing me a long while he figured out his own feelings and (lack of) emotions. He's a coward and is afraid to commit and actually be in a relationship.

I dont know.. I just wish I knew why he ended it.. 'i dont love you anymore' just doesnt cut it for me.. its too broad.. I need specifics I guess.. I mean we've known eachother for 2 years... it's not like we didn't have things in common.. we were on the same page goal and career-wise... and up until he dumped me , I was under the impression that things were really great between us.

Boy was I wrong...

I still have moments of feeling like an idiot for loving him so much... and that just SUCKS. I have a lot of resentment towards him... while he didn't ask me to move back here for him.. he was happy that we would now be in the same city... we had been driving almost an hour to see eachother last year. And now I'm here.. alone and angry... and he wants to be friends and act like nothing happend... and still treat me how he treated me, and do the same things we did... when we were a couple... I just cant do it.

Tonight in the ride home he tried to make small talk.. asked me if I wanted to go do dinner.. and I just was not having it. I was as nice as I could be and just smiled and nodded. I had to really restrain myself from being the nice person I usually am just because I didnt want him to think I was ok with being around him.. because I'm not...I don't want him in my life anymore.. I'm tired of him and the situation.. I cant wait until the end of May when my lease is up and I can get the fuck out of Ithaca and move on with my life.

I hate being angry and I hate having to push people out of my life. When I have had so much loss.. all I want is to bring people in... and I though he was finally someone I could keep in my life and that we actually had a future

and now we dont.. and I can't even have him as a friend because even THAT is too hard

I'll be interested to see if he says anything about the way I acted in the car. Part of the old me wishes he would and realize what an idiot he is for letting me go. But then the real me says that even if he did say that, which he wont, because 'hello - he doesnt love you'.. why would you want to go back with someone who obviously has issues with romantic relationnships? (um.. because I'm lonely and miss having someone around...)

ugh.. I could keep going in circles about this. I havent fallen apart of him since before he left for break back in mid-december... after our last 'hanging out' which turned in to flirting on both our parts (which he started) and ended up with me thinking 'he must like me still if he flirting'.. so I went for the kiss.. which he returned but then he quickly blamed on the wine we had had.

I know I just need to focus on myself but it's hard because I'm lonely in Ithaca.. yes I have a bunch of friends who support me and are there for me.. but they arent physically here for me. It's just me in Ithaca.. and until the end of May, I'm going to have to really work on being ok with that.

omg.. i need to stop complaining....


Charlotte said...

Awesome blog.

I really feel for you with everything going on. But, I am going to be blunt;

the boy will never know what he wants..... don't get your hopes up, move on. He may ask you back a couple of times, but he has already decided that you are not the one for him.
the man of your dreams who you will love and he will love you will pursue you until you are his... he wont break up with you, or fall out of love, or ask you to move closer to him and break up a couple of days later.... "Its called a break up because it is broken" helped me heaps.

From your blog you sound like a really lovely, interesting caring person... You deserve the best not some dick who cant make up his mind and gives you mixed messages. What would you want for your daughter or son?

You are doing great, really really great!

Dont give up xox

David Showers said...

As a man that has been married to a wonderful woman for 23 years, I can tell you that if man truly loves you he will do anything to be with you.

When I'm at work, I honestly miss my wife.

Way back a long time ago, I married my high school sweetheart. That one ended because she had problems being faithful. After two years, she gave me the, "You will make someone a great husband someday" speach. Guess what. She was right.

I used to be mad at her for hurting me, but then one day I realized that if it weren't for her actions, I never would have met the lady I'm married to now.

I haven't seen my ex since I married my current wife, but when I do, I will be sure to thank her for creating a way for me to meet the love of my life.

Stay strong - all will be good.