Thursday, February 19, 2009

clarity through poetry

I happened across an Anais Nin quote...

Dreams are necessary to life.

and kept reading on through a list of her quotes and many spoke to me... but this next one really set me off...

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

I have spent SO long in a state of fear... and fear of many things.... but most recently it is fear of Money and my inability to have a healthy relationship with it. I speak mainly of debts and the looming federal and state tax bill I have to pay. This is not something I can change now.. it is something I have to come to accept and deal with. I made mistakes and now I have to pay the consequences..

but

I can NOT let this make me immobile to life and to living. This whole week I've been down and what these negative feelings and emotions all boil down to is my issue with $ right now. I feel good about everything thing else in my life... my weight loss efforts, my career efforts.. but money issues are really dragging me down.

NO MORE

I will not live my life in fear.. wether it be fear of money... of love.. of loss

I need to live my life to fullest NOW.. in the PRESENT.. not in the past or even the future..

There is no reason I can't start my day with a smile and a positive attitude.. NO REASON at ALL!

Time to snap out of what ever this funk is and get back to living my life... I know I'm feeling bound and helpless in Ithaca now... with no friends around.. a job that isn't putting me any closer to career goals... a financial situation that is unfortunate but fixable...

but I have goals in mind.. a future to fulfill and I cant pause my life until the ideal situations come along.... I need to stay in the moment and take life at its full value

Yes.. you owe a lot of money in taxes... you take full responsibility for it and will find a way to take care of it.. in the meantime.. you have been making excellent choices about how to spend and save money... all of your credit cards are no longer fully maxed out and you are paying them down... you have money left after paying bills to put aside...

Yes.. losing weight is HARD.. but look how far you have come in past 2 months... down 12lbs.. thats an average of 6lbs a month.. exactly where you need to be...losing weight at a good pace and making better choices every day. You have found ways to increase water, increase exercise and increase protein and have a blanced 'diet'.

yes... your job isn't ideal ... but it could be worse.... at least you work with relatively nice people and your job is, for the most part, a pretty easy job. You have learned new skills (billing) and enjoy helping others and seeing the station succeede. You also have a summer and possible fall of amazing opportunities with Ballibay... being able to really stretch your leardership 'wings' and build the music program up! Remember your feelings of pride and passion you have at Ballibay as you look for teaching jobs for the fall... your reasons for avoiding teaching public school music are outnumbered by the reasons you love teaching and spreading your love and passion for music.

I leave you with more Anais Nin quotes... I need to find out more about this author...

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

3 comments:

TJ said...

Keep your chin up over there! When I am feeling down about a situation that I am dealing with I always try to realize that someone out there has it a lot worse than I do.

:) tj


tjstestkitchen.blogspot.com

Herbalife Las Vegas said...

Wow you took the words right out of me. Very well written. Look at the positive side of things. I know it is very hard when finances are tough, I am struggling myself as well. Working Two jobs, and trying to pay down 60K in credit card debt. Not easy.
My mom graduated from Ithaca and is now a music teacher in Rome, NY.

Paula said...

Hi - I just stumbled across your blog...some say there are no coincidences.

Thank you ever so much - Your post sparked that so called " Aha - moment" for me. I've been hidding behind so many fears that I became a bystander at my own life. I don't want to continue like this any longer.
Thank you for being so honest...

You're beautiful...

I certainly keep on reading your blog...

Greeting all the way from Europe...
Paulina