no back-sliding!

I'm very tempted right now to ask the ex if he wants to go get some food... and by food I mean go to friendly's and eat tons of crap because that's what we used to do.

I'm actually sitting here, ready to forget all my past plans of action about eating as well as how I feel about him and our situation.

so I'm here to remind myself on where I am and WHY I do not want to revert back to my old self.

Yes.. I miss him terribly.. we were texting just now and I wouldn't come out and just ask him if he wanted to get food. One of my biggest issues with him and our past relationship was that I was always the one to initiate things.... I made the majority of the decision about what we do.. where we go.. and I am SICK of it. I promised myself when we parted a month ago (as friends... he was off on break from college and went home to Florida)... that I would give myself all my attention... That these next 4 months I am here in Ithaca.. that I would just FOCUS ON ME.. and If that meant we were no longer friends.. then that's what happens. I will not revert back to the old me just because I'm bored tonight.. or lonely ... and that's why I'm willing to sabotage myself and all the good changes I've made this past month while he was a way.

I need to really really stay strong on this... I decided a few weeks ago that unless he initiates hanging out.. then I will not be seeing him. I NEED this rule so I don't fall back into what I used to be. Yes.. It sucks that I have to conciously work at keeping someone out of my life for my health... but that's just it... If I can't be the best I am.. and be heathy in body AND MIND... then I can't have him in my life. And it's not that he is a horrible person.. that's part of my angst.. we do have fun hanging out and he is a genuinely nice, kind hearted, guy.. so it makes it hard for me to just push him away.

But my mental and physical health is priceless... I have done amazing things these past 4 weeks... Weigh loss is not just about losing pounds.. its about changing thoughts and ideas about food.. about exercise.. about relationships with food and people... EVERYTHING HAS TO CHANGE

This is hard for me because I don't like to ignore people or remove them from my life. A lot of that has to do with my fear of loss because of Losing my mom and dad 5 years ago. It's scary for me (and here come the tears.. so I know this is the reason... )

I don't like to let go of things.. whether it's people or food... Loss is hard for me to cope with and in the past I've tried to heal it with food as well as being in unhealthy, usually only sexual, relationships. They gave me a false sense of fulfilment...and made me feel like I wasn't alone when all they were really doing was masking my true feelings.

This past month has been huge on fixing these empty feelings. I have gained so much strength and positivity from accomplishing goals. I feel stronger from exercising ... stronger both physically but also mentally and emotionally. I have to be willing to let go of things/people that no longer help me to be this new, stronger, individual that I am becoming.

I LOVE how I am changing... I've been afraid to let this person out because it had always been easier NOT to think about it... CHANGE IS HARD.. and it was just easier to be fat and resigned to life and love. How sad is that?! I was fine with being mediocre and was just grateful to be loved.. even if I was loved by someone who only 'loved me' because I would sleep with them. My most recent ex, the one I speak of tonight.. loved me for more than just sex.. and he *did* help me realize I was worth more than just that... but he still wasnt quite what I wanted but I SETTLED because it was easier then pushing myself to be better and healthier.

I will not send another text back to him. If HE wants to initiate something.. I will consider it but know that deep down, I need to let go of him and just focus on myself. I have other support besides an ex that never truly loved me... I have friends in real life and here in blog land that support me and push me in the right ways... and want me to be the best I can be.

This is my time now... and no one elses...
This is my LIFE... and only I decided how it's run
My past does not define me... I define me

I'm going to go put all of todays food into sparkpeople to see where I am calorie wise... then make a healthy dinner... and then find something to take my mind of my past.. maybe I will catch up on this season of '24'.

and exhale... : )

NO BACK SLIDING!!

You have worked hard at lossing this weight and it was finally starting to come off a little faster and what do you do? YOU GO BACK TO EATING CRAP!

WI this morning was 229.4

Last night I gave in and blew the rest of my day since my lunch was horrible (pizza).. and I went and got chinese. I got general tso's chicken.. TWO veg egg rolls and a diet mt. dew.

There are many things wrong with this... first.. i had chicken.. and I have been touting myself as a vegetarian.. then I have meat when I go out to eat?? That's not right.. I either don't have meat or I do.. I can't be in between..

second.. Eating this food made me feel physically sick. I haven't had this feeling in a long time.. but my left side and left shoulder hurt.. like I was over stuffing myself. I didn't feel good all night and this morning I had a really bad stomach ache and accompanying BM.

It was all because I had a bad lunch. I gave in.. decided to blow the whole day. Well.. it's those 'give-ins' that have made me fat. The not caring and just letting the rest of day slide after one slip up.. I'll never reach goal if I let a whole day go to waste. Yes.. one slip up now and then is inevitable.. no one is perfect.. but to let that one slip turn in to a big SLIDE.. NOT GOOD.

I vow to drink my water today.. and have 'clean foods'... nothing processed.. and def. no more take out... I'm going to have 2 slices of my homemade veggie pizza... make some rice and veggies tonight.. and just focus on one day at a time. I was so excited to see the scale at 225/226 a few days ago.. and I know Im probably retaing water from the chinese food.. BUT.. I probably did add some weight back.. Since sunday nights chinese food to last nights chinese food.. I've been packing in more food than I should. I know this sounds weird.. but If I go to bed hungry.. I know I've done a good job eating.. I shouldnt be going to be so full...

Food Log

800
bagel/cc (5)
tea

lunch 1245 ***
3 slices veggie pizza (15)
cheezits (4)
(19)

Dinner
600
1C CousCous (4)
sauted veggies (0)

icecream (2)

Used - 30

*** I felt really out of control at lunch.. I went home for lunch.. reheated 3 slices of the veggie pizza I made on Monday.. then grabbed the box of cheezits. I mean.. i still have 6 points for dinner.. and Im fine doing a ton of veggies over couscous.. I just feel like no matter how much I tell myself I need to eat less.. the more I want to (and end up) eating.. I'm pretty sure I'm not alone in that when you are denied something, it makes you want it even more... Life long battle.. here I come...