why do we do it?!

Why do we consciously eat crappy food when we know its not good for us and will not help with our goals in the long run?

Seriously! I would like to hear your take on self sabotage!

This weekend contained the following:
Friday Night - Mexican and a 'i hate my ex' pint of ben and jerrys...

Saturday - I moved a TON of stuff to storage so I felt I deserved a subway sub w/chips and soad.. oh and apparently its free cookie day on saturday.. so I got a cookie.

dinner was chinese buffet and then a chocolate triffle...

Sunday - at a sensible breakfast of cereal... then moved more stuff to storage...and had french bread pizza for dinner.. plus a single serve bag of chips.. then some popcorn (was watching a movie).. and then more ice cream (I had finished the pint.. so I actually bought more tonight... just a single serve at least..)

I honestly don't get it... If I had to break it down to non-food reasons I would say stress and uncertainty. I don't have a job lined up for after the summer yet.. and I don't know where I am going.

I say I want to lose weight but I am obviously pretending since I can't seem to actually committ to it instead of just 'being interested in it'.

at one point this past week, the scale was down to 221ish... I don't expect anything great tomorrow morning but hey.. It's all my fault.. I'm the one that ate like the world was going to end!

Tomorrow ... back to eating well. Smoothies for breakfast, salads for lunch, and a sensible dinner. It's easier during the week because I have a schedule... and then all hell breaks lose on the weekend.

I hope one day I learn....

Hope you all had a good weekend!

BIG Note to Self....

OK.. you knew EXACTLY what you were doing.

since the last weigh in on 4/12 .. you have gone UP 4.5lbs... 4.5!!!!!!!!

You seriously lost it and gave in just because friends were visiting... lots of Margaritas.. TOO much food.. and then.. once they left.. you KEPT eating like crap!! You bough pizza, OREOS, and chips... and managed to finish off the chips and oreos all by yourself over the weekend. Not to mention the non-diet soda you drank.. and the lack of Exercise. You even gave up keeping track on spark people..

So is this what's going to happen when you are with other people.. you are just going to throw caution to the wind... is the food/drink really going to make the situation that much more fun?

Food and drink does not "make" a situation.. think about how crappy you felt... how tired and pathetic... how the sugar from the oreos made you feel sick.. how your digestive system went off..

This is not good for you. It is YOUR choice to eat the way you eat.. if you do this again this coming weekend you WILL be up in the upper 220's.... and remember how hard it was for you to get below 220? And how happy you were to finally be getting closer to the 210 mark.. and now you have to work that all off again.. and for what? For oreos and chips?

It's time to cut that crappy food out of your life.. it does NOTHING for you... stick to clean foods... if you are going to drink... stick to 1 glass of wine ... you don't need to have 3 margaritas per meal.. seriously..

GOALS for the WEEK
1. you have salad fixings for the lunches... and even though your boss is taking you out for lunch wed - you will still get a salad.. Meals are planned for the week - it's ok if its repetative.. at least you know you are staying with in your calorie range

2. You Will go to the gym M- TH.. Cardio M/W - a nice hour walk with inclines and Body Pump class T/TH.

3. Even though you will be w/ friends this weekend you will not lose control.. You have worked too hard to let the scale keep creeping up.. you already have 4.5lbs to get back off.. you don't need to add to it. Be happy that you are with your friends.. this does not require eating like crap!!

What I have come to learn...

I've been focusing on my eating/health/weight/movement since mid December 08.
I spent a lot of time doing nothing this week but also thinking about this journey I am on.
I need to get out of this downward spiral I have ALLOWED myself to go into..
I went off on myself and life a few posts ago.. and I was very very angry at myself and my situation in life. It really wasn't directed to my weight loss efforts.. but It really should've been as this weekend was rough weight/eating wise.

I sabotaged myself severely this weekend. I had had it in my mind to re-vamp my eating plan come Monday (today)... so all weekend I ate like crap.. I had pizza both saturday and sunday night.. and last night a whole bag of chips. I told myself a few different things about this eating I was doing:

1. You are going to re-committ to a clean(er) eating plan on Monday.. salads for lunch.. less processed foods.. no added sugar.. So.. eating this pizza is ok
2. You did a crazy body pump (strength training) class Friday night (and boy did my body HURT saturday and sunday.. I can still feel it in the front of my thighs).. so its OK if you go easy on yourself this weekend
3. You feel empty and lost..and you don't know what you want.. so here.. let's eat this whole bag of chips.. and have another pizza for dinner.. f&ck it all.. just stuff yourself..

It was excuse after excuse..
I'm tired of half-assing my life.. seriously
Not only did I sabotage my weight loss.. but I really did a number on my self-wroth and self-esteem.. which is pretty low anyways..

I don't get what Im so afraid of.. and I know it's fear. What is holding me back from really being ME 100%? I've had moments where I am honestly happy with myself and my life...so I know these feelings.. why is it so hard to access them now? As for being thin... I have never been.. so that's harder for me to know.

I think it's that I am afraid of letting go of this life I have known for the past 28 years.. of CHANGING and being who I really am.

I don't want to stay in this state of non-change, of being passive, of being depressed, of not caring about myself and in turn others, This isn't who I am and who I am meant to be.

So today I decide to stop wallowing in this black mess.. no more excusses.. no more lying to myself, or sabotaging my self ... It's not doing me any good and I will never reach one single goal of mine if I keep doing what I am doing now

so SNAP out of it Melissa...
WAKE UP
and LIVE your life

and stop making EXCUSES because you are AFRAID

You have a safety net in friends and family that are they to help if need be

As for your career.. yes.. it's scary not knowing where/if you will find a teaching job.. but you will find something.. and you will find a way to move and take care of things...

Everything is going to be ok...

lazy saturday

228.2 this morning.. BUT.. i'm not going out to eat this weekend.. and am really going to work on saving my WPs for Thanksgiving.. and I will have to do my WI on Sunday morning when I get back (going down to LI).

Food Log
930
toast (2)
eggs (4)
cheese (2)
butter (1)
(9)

1030
100 cal popcorn (1)

330
potato (3)
mock chix nuggets (5)
catsup (1)
(9)

11 left for dinner/eve

dinner ... at first I decided to just snack away the evening.. and had
2 servings on cheezits (8)

then I made pizza... and proceeded to have half the pizza , 4 slices (16)
and a 100 cal icecream (2)

15 points taken away from the WP bank.. leaving 20 points


I don't know why I do this.. I can't decide wether to save for a big event..or.. since they are there to use.. to just use them..

I really need to focus on portions/serving size. 2 slices really is enough for 1 portion.. and I didn't need 2 servings of cheezits.. Just because i have the points.. does not mean i have to use them.. I need to listen to my body/stomach.

Goals for the week:

Limit to ONE PORTION/SERVING
Drink 8 glasses of water/day

I need to stay calm about these points..