turning things around

Alright... the last time I posted it was April....

It's now almost December and I'm getting sick of gaining weight and feeling so blah

I've stopped -
1. drinking all my water
2. exercising
3. caring about what i eat
4. avoiding fast food/take-out

That has lead me to weigh in at 270

I never EVER though I would be that heavy...

Sooooo....

it's time to go back to what works...

Being ACCOUNTABLE....
TRACKING food and water
EXERCISING
Keeping a JOURNAL of food/activities/emotions

I've lost weight before.. I know what works

Going to check out Golds Gym this week.... and get back to Weight Watchers

It's time to actually care about myself... I definitely haven't been doing that for the past 8 months...

If I keep on the current path I am on.. I WILL DIE. My BMI is 48... I weigh 270lbs and I'm only 5'3 ... I havent exercised in MONTHS... I get out of breath doing the easiest things... TIME TO CHANGE!

What I have come to learn...

I've been focusing on my eating/health/weight/movement since mid December 08.
I spent a lot of time doing nothing this week but also thinking about this journey I am on.
I need to get out of this downward spiral I have ALLOWED myself to go into..
I went off on myself and life a few posts ago.. and I was very very angry at myself and my situation in life. It really wasn't directed to my weight loss efforts.. but It really should've been as this weekend was rough weight/eating wise.

I sabotaged myself severely this weekend. I had had it in my mind to re-vamp my eating plan come Monday (today)... so all weekend I ate like crap.. I had pizza both saturday and sunday night.. and last night a whole bag of chips. I told myself a few different things about this eating I was doing:

1. You are going to re-committ to a clean(er) eating plan on Monday.. salads for lunch.. less processed foods.. no added sugar.. So.. eating this pizza is ok
2. You did a crazy body pump (strength training) class Friday night (and boy did my body HURT saturday and sunday.. I can still feel it in the front of my thighs).. so its OK if you go easy on yourself this weekend
3. You feel empty and lost..and you don't know what you want.. so here.. let's eat this whole bag of chips.. and have another pizza for dinner.. f&ck it all.. just stuff yourself..

It was excuse after excuse..
I'm tired of half-assing my life.. seriously
Not only did I sabotage my weight loss.. but I really did a number on my self-wroth and self-esteem.. which is pretty low anyways..

I don't get what Im so afraid of.. and I know it's fear. What is holding me back from really being ME 100%? I've had moments where I am honestly happy with myself and my life...so I know these feelings.. why is it so hard to access them now? As for being thin... I have never been.. so that's harder for me to know.

I think it's that I am afraid of letting go of this life I have known for the past 28 years.. of CHANGING and being who I really am.

I don't want to stay in this state of non-change, of being passive, of being depressed, of not caring about myself and in turn others, This isn't who I am and who I am meant to be.

So today I decide to stop wallowing in this black mess.. no more excusses.. no more lying to myself, or sabotaging my self ... It's not doing me any good and I will never reach one single goal of mine if I keep doing what I am doing now

so SNAP out of it Melissa...
WAKE UP
and LIVE your life

and stop making EXCUSES because you are AFRAID

You have a safety net in friends and family that are they to help if need be

As for your career.. yes.. it's scary not knowing where/if you will find a teaching job.. but you will find something.. and you will find a way to move and take care of things...

Everything is going to be ok...

seriously...

what the hell is wrong with me today.. It was gorgeous out.. and I lazed around all day. I can't seem to keep myself in one mood.. I'm swinging back and forth between content and cranky almost every day... I'm not a fan of mood swings. I've also been clentching my teeth more then ever.. I know this is a sign of being angry about something.. I don't feel angry though.. I just feel annoyed and lost and everything but angry..

My body is so sore too... that body pump class was rough! 5 minutes of squats.. that's what I'm feelin today.. I feel like im 90 years old.. having to hold onto the sink to sit on the toilet.. clinging to the stair railing to get down the stairs.. what the hell!

What the hell to pretty much everything in my life...

I WANT TO GET OVER MYSELF AND MOVE FORWARD!!!

Figure my shit out.. where I want to live.. what I want to do.. and get on with my LIFE.
and f'in be PROACTIVE instead of passive... Every weekend I do this.. I waste time when there are TONS of things I could (AND SHOULD.. hello taxes?!) be doing.. and I just don't do it!

I know its that I find it easier to just do nothing.. to not be active in my life and surroundings... It's become a habit.. these past 5 years have just wiped me out and made me close up and be passive in my life... IM SICK OF IT

SNAP OUT OF IT MELISSA... you are 28... so you had your life crisis with the car accident/losing both parents at 22... You've wallowed in it for almost 6 years now... GET OVER YOURSELF and just MOVE ON ALREADY

I'm BEGGING YOU

I'm so TIRED of doing nothing.. achieving little... wasting away my 20's and dreaming of how things could be and of how I should be acting in my life story...

You know what you F*CKING NEED TO DO... so JUST DO IT!!!!


/end rant to self

this is very a la 'Eat Pray Love'... which I just finished (for the 2nd time) and want to read again already... I want a year long journey to find myself.....