back that carrot truck up...

yeah.. so much for thinking I was going in the right direction....

back to 253.6

Now... I only have myself to blame...

I did not care at all about what I ate and only got in a few walks.

I know I can do better.

I tracked my food tonight ... even the reeses pb cups (all 4)... and was shocked back into remembering why it's so important to track your food.

So.. Goals for the week!

1. Log your food every day no matter what.

2. Drink your water... no less than 6 cups...

3. get to the gym at least 3 times.

4. be more aware of portion sizes

I WILL GET BACK ON TRACK!

things I did right today...

Ignoring all desires to wallow in my current state of being....

Things I did GOOD today:

1. Ate a healthy breakfast and lunch and had 2 healthy snacks. I love clementine oranges!

2. Drank one whole nalgene bottle (32oz)

3. got some laughs in while watching Ellen. Richard Simmons was on and he is one crazy dude!

Tomorrow I have plans to go check out Gold's Gym (although I hear its mad expensive) and their 12 week challenge. I will work on getting 2 whole bottle of water in and eating well breakfast, lunch, snack, AND DINNER!

weight in review

Looking back at my old posts I see that I CAN lose weight. I've noticed patterns (emotional eating anyone?!) and have a clearer idea of what I need to do to get back on track.

What amazes me the most is how I let myself go when I am in chaotic or un-structured situations. I've realized I need to be in control of situations. I don't think of myself as a 'control freak', but when I'm not in control I kind of just give up and in and that's when I stop caring and get lazy.

Case-in-point : transitions! I've moved (again) and have started a new job! I stayed with my friend K for 3 months until I had enough $ to get my own apartment. I did not eat well at ALL at her place. She isn't the healthiest eater, but I can't blame her. I could have bought healthier foods but I didn't and got in the 'well she eats like this, I guess i can too'.

I don't know why I feel I need to put myself in a bubble to be able to make my life work. Now that I have my own place I can stock it with healthy foods and control when and what I eat. I can join the gym and go after work.

Anyways.. looking back at my blog and weigh-in totals It shocks me to see that my lowest was 222 at the end of April. In may I started the process of packing up all my stuff into storage and in June I moved down to PA for the summer. I know I stopped eating well and exercising less come May. Too stressed and got out of sync with my schedule. I then did a mini-vacation with my sister in June and we ate at all our old childhood haunts and made bad food choices (and did a lot of DRIVING). Mid June to Mid August was summer camp. I thought I would be able to get back on track since we overhauled our food service at camp and went all organic/natural/local but I still managed to eat TOO much food. It was better for me.. but still I over-ate. I also got in a bad habit of having soda and candy when I had to work late in the office. I went for maybe 2 walks all summer. Granted, I walked a ton at camp, but I still gained weight for sure.

Mid August - mid september I was still in PA trying to find a teaching job. I was stressed and continued to make poor choices. I could have easily got up in the morning and gone out for a walk in the country-side, but I didn't. I finally found a job and moved to a friends house from Mid sept to early December. I've already mentioned that situation.

Here I am in Portland oregon visiting my sister and again, havent made good choices. It's been a lot of carbs, candy, and cola... not a good mix.

According to my sisters scale (255).. I have put on 33 pounds since May... 33lbs in 8 months!!!

My goal is to get to 199 by August 25th, my 30th Birthday. Thats a loss of 56lbs in 8 months.

If i can gain 30+ in 8 months... can I LOSE 50+ in 8 months?

Time will tell.

I getting more and more energized and inspired to get back on track.

I'll make another post soon about my 'goals'... more like rules to live by for life..

sorry for the really long post! If you are still reading... thanks!

Getting back on track...

It sees like every year I set the same goal: LOSE WEIGHT. This past year was no different. I had my ups and downs. I finally found an eating plan that works .... as long as I stick to it. I lost weight and then gained it all back plus some. As I write this, I am at my highest weight EVER. According to my sisters cheap little scale.. I am at 255.. but I will check on my scale when I get back to NY on Jan 2nd.

I know that I can lose weight. I've done it before. When I think about why I got back up to this all-time high.. a few things come to mind like being at a summer camp and throwing my good food habits to the wind... being jobless and stressed for over a month after camp... finally finding a job, living with friends, and then moving.

I finally have my own place and can stock my pantry and fridge with GOOD food. However, I am out in Portland Oregon with my sister for winter break and we have not been eating healthy. I bought a box of clementines and havent had a single one yet.

I need to get excited about being healthy again. There was a time where I was happy to eat well and go to the gym! My body is so tired and achey it's not even funny. My legs feel like stuffed sausage and I currently have no visible neck if Im sitting down. My back and feet hurt worse than ever and just the thought of walking on a treadmill for even 20 minutes makes me shudder.

I'm going to keep gaining weight and feeling worse if I keep it up. I know I need to turn things around and I know I will.

I would really like to be under 200 by my 30th birthday on August 25th. I think that is a reasonable goal. I also want to do a walk/run 5k this spring and then one in the fall so I keep myself on track at camp in the summer. Then in january 2011, T and I have talked about doing the disney marathon. So I def. have long term goals.

this all seems so daunting and I cant believe I got back up to this weight. I have only myself to blame. It's my choice to eat poor and not move. I can get back into it. I have to. If I don't, it's just going to get worse.

I'm going to read through my old posts and get re-inspired. My goal is to write daily again. If you have stuck around from last spring when I was really blogging a lot, thank you. I look forward to getting back on track and getting inspired by you all!

2010 is the year I finally do this... and I mean it this time!!!

back in the saddle again

Things I did GOOD today:
1. drank 64oz of water
2. ate a healthy lunch - salad w/chicken and red onion, an apple and walnuts
3. did a 30 minute walk, with 4 minutes of 1-minute jogs

Things I can do BETTER:
1. watch over-eating at dinner just because I worked out...
2. get another 32 oz of water in
3. push for 45 minute walk/jog tomorrow

Keeping it positive!

I bought a good, supportive, sports bra today... and also a clip on mp3 player to load the coach to 5k program on to... Went to the running store today to look at shoes.. will continue search at DSW/Foot Locker in Syracuse this weekend. Will also find a new pair of workout pants as the ones I am wearing now are falling apart!

If anyone knows of any 5k runs in the fall in the NYC area.. please let me know! My BFF T and I are going to rock a 5k this fall and are preparing for it this summer!!! Actually pretty excited about it!

Back on track

These past 3 weeks have been rough. I haven't been eating well.. have made poor food choices...ate out WAY too much...

I did do better with exercise.. pushed myself in my body pump class and even climbed a mountain...

But my weight has gone up... WAY up... It jumped up 6lbs after the mountain hike last weekend.. and has stayed there since.. part of me wishes it was just muscle.. but after the way I have been eating and the emotional states I have been in.. It's probably true gain..

Today's weigh in - 226.4

This makes me sad and angry when only a few weeks ago I was so excited to be below 220... and now I have to work it all back off again. It's daunting.. it's so hard to lose weight and then to gain some back.... ugh!

I have to realize that this is a life long journey.. I'm going to have to watch what I eat and really put in some effort to be healthy and lose weight. I can't just sit back and hope for the best. I need to really work at this...

I have a month until I move down to PA for the summer... so I am giving myself a 30day (really 28 day) challenge to stick to the following goals.

1. Track food/water in sparkpeople
2. prepare foods ahead of time so I'm not stuck eating out/making poor choices
3. Body pump 2x/week, walk-jog 3x/week (at minimum)
4. focus on clean foods.. no more chips, soda, pre packaged food, candy... it's really not worth it.. and no more 'cheat' days/meals.. you really need to just stick to plan every day and not blow it on the weekends... it's not getting you anywhere..
5. watch the stress.. job hunting and moving is tough.. but it will all work out.

and now for weight related news!

a little NSV for me!
I dug into my closet and pulled out some size 18 pants.. this after having my size 20's falling off and looking so frumpy that I just couldnt stand it anymore..

The pants that I thought would be too tight.. and still create too much muffin top.. well.. they actually fit..and just a tiny muffin top.. so I was very happy about that.. it was nice not to have to wear the same pants over and over again.. I have these 2 pants I had been rotating through for the past, oh, 5 months.. a black and a brown.. from Lane Giant.. elastic waist.. no shape.. and I am SOOOOO glad to be out of those.. I'm really tempted to burn them but am afraid the material, a lyrca kind of blend.. may be toxic.. haha

I found a couple tops that I had bought in the fall that were just a little tight that now are almost too big to wear.. I'm shooting for size 16 by June.. If I can lose at least 2lbs a week (so doable).. then I should be there.. AND be into ONEDERLAND... so that's my goal for June 1st.. be in size 16 and under 200lbs.. 18lbs to go.. 10 weeks to do it in.. I WILL do it.

WI results!

shock of all shocks... down 1.4lbs today.. and reached my week goal of 220 even!

I said a month ago that I wanted to reach 220 by the first full week of FEB... so I'm a few weeks off.. but at least I reached it IN Feb.

Goal for next week is to break into the teens... shooting for 218

I've been really lazy this weekend.. well not total sloth lazy.. but lazy enough. I did manage to get in my 'last chance workout' yesterday an put in an hour on the treadmill... the whole time i was walking I was thinking of new ideas for the summer program I teach at.. I should really carry a mini voice recorder to take down my thoughts... because when I get home, I don't write anything down..

I also did grocery shopping yesterday.. stuck to my budget.. $30 at Aldi's... and didn't have to go anywhere else. I do, however, need to get more protein powder.. I don't think it's going to last me all week... thank goodness walmart, as much as I hate that store, has $15 2lb jugs of protein powder... I find when I have 25% of calories from Protein a day.. I lose weight. Lately I've been eating around 50%carb, 25%Fat, 25% protein. The Zone diet is I guess similar to this.. maybe it's 40/30/30.. I love bread too much (and bananas) to get my carbs down to 40...

Lazy sunday today... going to the opera at 2 then having my splurge meal after. I've decided on chinese since I haven't had it in months and I've been craving mystery meat. Speaking of meat.. I've added it back into my diet... I'm not a real vegetarian, and I don't pretend to be.. while I do try to limit it... a girl can only have beans and tofu for so long! This weeks lunches will be chicken sandwiches w/grapes (mmmm!).. and I'm going to make a shepherds pie tomorrow night.

GOALS
1. drink that water.. it's helping!
2. stay in the moment.. no need to worry about what's to come.. cross that bridge when you get there.. especially when it comes to $/taxes.. those thoughts do not need to control your life/emotions/mental health!
3. Hit the gym at least 4 times if not 5.. you were a little slack last week
4. keep tracking on sparkpeople... keeping calories between 1750-1950

Have a great rest of the weekend!!

just putting it out there...

.....out to the universe to let it do what it want's with it
(yes, I believe in the law of attraction!)

I want to be 220 by the first full week of February!

that's 11 days ... and 3.4 lbs

You put your mind to it... and anything is possible!

Meeting goals

Met my 2 goals of the day..
1. drink at least 8 glasses of water
2. 60min workout - DONE

My walk was a good one. I warmed up at 2.5mph for 5 minutes then bumped it up to 3.0 for the next 25 minutes. Half way throug I put it up to 5% incline. then did a 5 min cooldown after my 60 minutes.

I tried to bump it up to 3.2mph.. but my legs were not having it... I'll get there!
One day at a time, right? : )

Eating today was pretty good. I need to bump my protein up tho.. only at 1525calories today.. and that's once I have my graham crackers with PB. I know graham crackers are not pure clean food.. but I'm ok with that. I'm eating healthier than I ever have.. so I'm not stressing over graham crackers.

I'm making as many clean choices as possible. I've started having tuna sandwiches for lunch. I didn't have any mayo.. so I put some hummus in the tuna to cream it up (that's what I'm missing..) and it was still kindda dry. I found a vegan mayonaise today and it checks out clean and has that tangy creamyness I'm missing... and only at 10calories/Tbsp. Do-Able!

One of my long term goals is to not be so hard on myself. I'm notorious for this. Being a musician since I was 5.. I've always been a perfectionist. I remember one music teacher telling me frequently to not be so hard on myself. It happened today at work. I became very upset with the errors I made with my billing disaster... and I beat myself up if I didn't do the perfect work our or eat clean perfectly.

I really don't want to be that way... so If I'm only 80-85% eating clean.. it's still good for me. If I only do a 45 minute walk one day.. its OK... Just the fact that I am making these changes is good for me.

Anyways.. Really.. today was a good day! I'll just keep taking life one day at a time!

Protein Shakes and weekly goals

I found a new way to get a better tasting protein shake..

add a cup of applesauce!

I had a carton of single serv applesauce cups.. natural.. no sugar added..just sitting in the fridge for like.. forever.. and decided to dump one in my protein shake I just had. It reminded me of apple pie.. which was nice...

1 banana
1 scoop vanilla protein powder (yes.. the one that I thought was gross!)
1 applesauce cup
a splash of vanilla extract
a tsp? of pumpkin pie spice

De-lish!

I'm so happy that I found a way to use this vanilla protein powder. I have a chocolate one now too.. but it's not as clean as I'd like... so I am still on the search for a good protein powder.

GOALS...
I've notice a lot of people are doing weekly goals and thought maybe I would try this week. I always have it in the back of my mind to do certain things a day.. but now I'm going to make myself super accountable. I will put a goal box on my blog and track every day.

Goals..
1. Drink at least 8 cups of water/day
2. 60min walk at least 5 times this week (probably M-F)

I'd say eat clean every day.. but I'm finding that I am getting consistent with that for the most part.. minus a splenda mishap or 2! (I hid that box of packets ..maybe I won't be tempted as much!)

Maybe my food goal will be to try a new recipe this week. I've been sticking to basic foods/meals.. which is fine.. but I know I will get bored.. so I'm on the lookout for new meal ideas! Maybe this week I will try a tofu dish. It's a cheaper protein and CLEAN.. about $2.50 for a 12oz box... I just need to find the right recipe!

Have a GREAT, PRODUCTIVE, CONSISTENT week everyone!!

Tomorrow is a New Beginning

Where to start.... This past year has had it's ups and downs...in life and weight.. My lowest weight this past year was 208..my highest, 234 (not so long ago!). I've gone through a lot the past few months with moving back to ithaca..losing , who I thought, was the love of my life.. and having to change jobs and careers... as well as being without friends and family near by.

Not to say it was a bad year! My best friend Mary was married in July... I had a great teaching job (that I wish wasn't just a maternity leave!).. I spent 8 months in love and learned that I, in fact, am loveable. I spent my 8th summer teaching and directing at Ballibay (performing arts camp in PA). I sang my first Messiah and broke through some old singing habits. I've figured out some career goals for next year and feel like I will be able to get there.

I've also started to finally come to terms with my weight and why I keep holding on. Being fat is a safety net. It's easy to be fat and not be healthy. I've kind of holed my self up and really haven't been living. I'm not dating and I'm not very social... even though I know I am a friendly and outgoing person.. I just kind of gave up... and while I *was* in a realtionship.. I also didn't care about being healthy/losing weight because the guy I was with loved me how I was.. and he was also overweight..and food was a big part of our time together.

And now on to 2009. I really have a great feeling about next year. I have been thinking hard about what I want and how I am going to get there. I have my life planned out until about mid August already. For the next 5 months (til the end of May) I am here in Ithaca. It's a tight budget that I'm living on with the pay from this radio job.. but It's what I have to work with and I am ok with that. I hold no animosity anymore to the ex for having me move here and then dumping me... It just wasn't mean to be. On the flip side, it's given me time to really work on myself. I've joined a gym and have made time to workout every single day. I've also committed myself to clean eating and cutting out processed foods,sugar, and dairy. So thats my plan for the next 5 months. After that I'm off to Ballibay again from June until mid-August. I will still be able to workout.. go for walks morning and night (hopefully jogging by then!)..and I should be able to stay close to the clean eating plan... the food at camp is highly processed..but there is at least a salad bar. After camp my other best friend, Melissa, is getting married and I am in her bridal party.. another reason to lose some weight! By the end of august I will have found a good teaching job.. either elementary or ms music...or even a community college music job. I am looking in metropolitan areas... but for some reason the DC area is calling to me... but really.. anywhere I can perform and teach...and have some close friends nearby.

Tomorrow is the start to my new year.. 5 days early.. but why not end 2008 on a high note..and not a high weight on the scale ; )

Moving Forward to 2009!

I had a great massage today.. in prep for a great 2009. I've been thinking about the ex all weekend and know in my heart that if we can't draw a big line and not cross it.. then there is just no way we can be 'just friends'. I really want to move FORWARD.. I don't want to be stuck thinking about the past.

This is my year.. I will get healthy for me and no one else.. I will do whatever I need to do to be happy.. I will lose this protective layer of fat and not be afraid to be who I am. I think what a lot of overweight people get stuck on is just that.. this fat is a protective layer..and it's safe (and easy) to just stay fat... we can try all we want to lose weight, but it's not going to happen until you just give in and let go... everything else will fall into place.

I'm not giving myself a time frame.. I will just take every day one day at a time.. focus on making good, healthy food choices...taking time to help my body get healthy by working out...and take time for my mental health.. wether its writting here or doing some yoga. I don't want to fall back or stay stagnant in this life (and body).. I want to move forward.

I'm really looking forward to this year... My lease ends at the end of may.. I will put all my stuff in storage (after a good purge of things I don't use/need... lighten the life load!).. I'll teach at camp again this summer..and apply for teaching jobs.. pretty much anywhere... I will find a job that I really love and will also be in a city that has many singing opportunitys. I will do things for me.. I will not actively search for a guy to be with or buy things that I think will make me happy... I will focus on me and making my life as full as can be.

What are your thoughts for the new year and how will you achieve them?