weight in review

Looking back at my old posts I see that I CAN lose weight. I've noticed patterns (emotional eating anyone?!) and have a clearer idea of what I need to do to get back on track.

What amazes me the most is how I let myself go when I am in chaotic or un-structured situations. I've realized I need to be in control of situations. I don't think of myself as a 'control freak', but when I'm not in control I kind of just give up and in and that's when I stop caring and get lazy.

Case-in-point : transitions! I've moved (again) and have started a new job! I stayed with my friend K for 3 months until I had enough $ to get my own apartment. I did not eat well at ALL at her place. She isn't the healthiest eater, but I can't blame her. I could have bought healthier foods but I didn't and got in the 'well she eats like this, I guess i can too'.

I don't know why I feel I need to put myself in a bubble to be able to make my life work. Now that I have my own place I can stock it with healthy foods and control when and what I eat. I can join the gym and go after work.

Anyways.. looking back at my blog and weigh-in totals It shocks me to see that my lowest was 222 at the end of April. In may I started the process of packing up all my stuff into storage and in June I moved down to PA for the summer. I know I stopped eating well and exercising less come May. Too stressed and got out of sync with my schedule. I then did a mini-vacation with my sister in June and we ate at all our old childhood haunts and made bad food choices (and did a lot of DRIVING). Mid June to Mid August was summer camp. I thought I would be able to get back on track since we overhauled our food service at camp and went all organic/natural/local but I still managed to eat TOO much food. It was better for me.. but still I over-ate. I also got in a bad habit of having soda and candy when I had to work late in the office. I went for maybe 2 walks all summer. Granted, I walked a ton at camp, but I still gained weight for sure.

Mid August - mid september I was still in PA trying to find a teaching job. I was stressed and continued to make poor choices. I could have easily got up in the morning and gone out for a walk in the country-side, but I didn't. I finally found a job and moved to a friends house from Mid sept to early December. I've already mentioned that situation.

Here I am in Portland oregon visiting my sister and again, havent made good choices. It's been a lot of carbs, candy, and cola... not a good mix.

According to my sisters scale (255).. I have put on 33 pounds since May... 33lbs in 8 months!!!

My goal is to get to 199 by August 25th, my 30th Birthday. Thats a loss of 56lbs in 8 months.

If i can gain 30+ in 8 months... can I LOSE 50+ in 8 months?

Time will tell.

I getting more and more energized and inspired to get back on track.

I'll make another post soon about my 'goals'... more like rules to live by for life..

sorry for the really long post! If you are still reading... thanks!

Climbing Mountains...

Wen't for a hike which turned into a mountain climb on Saturday! I was very proud of myself. I kept pushing myself to keep going once we got to the climbing part. It was a very strenuous hike.. but I managed to jog down parts of the hill on the way back.. it felt good to run and be active. My hips, quads, calves and ass hurt today.. but it's worth it. I never would have gone on a hike like this on my own... but I had my girls with me and we all kicked ass on this hike!

My eating/drinking was a ton more controlled than last weekend. I still ate poor.. but we all decided that after our hike (which, btw, probably burned 1800 calories.. it was a 3 hour climb!) we could probably afford to eat what we wanted Saturday night.. SO I opted for the chicken parm sub (chicken parm is my weakness, fo sho). I only had one drink that night... a way too strong (and crappy gin) gin and tonic...

I think I am retaining water.. and I know I did NOT drink enough this weekend to make up for the hike.. and my muscles are feeling it still.. stepped on the scale this morning and it was 228... a full 6lbs over what i was last monday.

I'm not going to stress on that because really, It probably is dehydration/muscle/water retention related.. and I climbed a mountain.. so I really can't be bothered by the scale when I had other ways to measure my progress... Like.. How I wasn't as tired/winded by the hike as I used to be.. so.. I'm not worrying. I'll just get a lot of water in today.. and get groceries tonight to keep myself on track this week.

Gorgeous day today.. supposed to be 90. 90?!!! In APRIL?! I'll take it.. but man my allergies are intense today.. tree's are starting to bloom!

I'm done....

...with being so freakin FAT and UNHAPPY!!!

I just got done watching the biggest loser (from 2 weeks ago.. let's not forget I do not have cable and am behind by a week.. but grateful for Hulu.com!!)

that show ALWAYS get's me re-motivated. If there was one season I would want to buy on DVD to re-watch for motivation.. it would TOTALLY be this one.. and I think almost everyone has had some really great moments. I especially love Kristin and how well spoken she is...and both trainers have had some really great quotes. It's a nice departure from the previous seasons bitch fest with Viki and Heba.. I actually feel motivated by this current season.. and that's nice.

Anyways.. So I was looking through my photo albums on Face Book and it just really hit home for some reason that I am freaking FAT in all my pictures. Sure, there are some pictures that I can be proud of.. where I look half way descent.. but really... the majority I just look really fat and 'fake happy'... ya know.. the smiles there but its not real because deep down inside you are so miserable with your life and circumstances.

I'm so over being Fat... and ya know what .. screw the fat acceptance crap.. If I could love myself for who I am right now... I would.. but I can't... I can't look at a picture of my fat-ness and not be sad and angry.. How have I let myself live for the past 20+ years like this... HOW?!! I am not settling for this life... I REFUSE to let myself live another 20 years.. hell.. another 20 MONTHS like this... I am miserable and I can see it my face in these pictures and feel it in my heart and soul NOW.

enough is enough

No more 'trying' to lose weight and be healthy...

You don't see people on BL half-assing it... They are working hard and crossing lines every day to get where they are. And I know that the weight loss aspect of BL is unrealistic... but the hard work and determination isn't... So I am going to FIGHT for this...

I'm going to FIGHT to...
be HAPPY
be HEALTHY
be STRONG
be CONFIDENT
be SEXY
be the ME I KNOW I AM

There is no time limit for this because this is a LIFE CHANGE.. I want to transform into a new person.. and new, better me... and If that takes a year or two.. then it does.... but I'm not going to settle for 1 -2 lbs a month... I KNOW my body can do better than that. And I'm not going to give in to crap food and drink and pretend its OK to do that to my body. That's how I got where I am.. by just giving in to poor choices and habits and Hoping that the next day I will do better..

well.. It's my choice.. and I chose to FIGHT..

shifting into gear!

I'm shifting gears today.. for the first time in probably 2 weeks.. I feel positive and feel like my depression is lifting..

I was reading this blog and it really helped me to turn my thoughts around..

What's really important to you?
Is chocolate or chinese or what ever food more important than being healthy and losing weight?

No...

It's not...

It's going to be hard.. but I really need to reign in my eating.. focus on healthy foods
I've got my water down... exercise is 2 for 5 this week..

I need to stop being all talk and just DO

just putting it out there...

.....out to the universe to let it do what it want's with it
(yes, I believe in the law of attraction!)

I want to be 220 by the first full week of February!

that's 11 days ... and 3.4 lbs

You put your mind to it... and anything is possible!

When PMS attacks!! Next on FOX!

Seriously! All over the place today.. crazy happy one moment and crying the next. Don't ya love it.. No?? Me either!!

Anyways.. stressy moments at work.. but luckily I had my lunch and snacks prepared and with me. Thank god we finally got a fridge in our new office. I'm the only one that uses it. I'd hate to be a sales person and always be on the road. I suppose If I was.. Id still bring my lunch and snacks with me in a cooler because that's what ya gotta do to get it done!

I had a war with myself about the gym today. I'm cranky/tired and very PMS'y and at the height of my weekly (sorry boys..TMI.. I know!).. so I thought.. "Hey.. it's been a rough day.. you are tired.. your body probably needs a break.. "

BLAH
BLAH
BLAH

I had to yell at myself in the car to not sabotage myself and make all these excusses for the gym. I decided to go to the gym and at least do 30 minutes. If you still aren't into it 100%.. then you can stop.

So that's what I did. And while I ended up only doing the 30 minutes

AT LEAST I WENT

That's more than half the battle in my book.

I came home after.. made my healthy dinner (chicken, rice and veg with some lite soy sauce)
Got a big glass of water and sat down to catch up on the first week of the biggest loser.

I could write a whole post about that show... and while I HATE that it's based on elimination.. this season has some really amazing people on it. I love listening to their "ah-ha" moments... because I've had a lot of those same thoughts and ideas myself! This show is always eye opening.. especially in the first few weeks. I have to watch it online.. so I get it a week after it was on tv.. but thats ok... I like the inspirations even if its a week late!

Watching these people push themselves really makes me realize how much I am NOT pushing myself... granted.. they are supervised by Doctors and all that... but there's no reason why I can't walk .. or even JOG.. faster then 3.0mph. That's really a big portion of the show this season... doing it for yourself, on you own, at home. It will be interesting to see how it works out in the end. I KNOW I can do more... I freakin' JOGGED yesterday...I need to keep a mini-Jillian in my pocket or on my shoulder... or at least keep the people of biggest loser on my mind while I'm trying to wimp out!

Has anyone tired the Biggest Loser workout dvds? I just got the sculpting one today from Netflix. I will have to give it a go this weekend and give a review about it. I will, however, be meeting with a trainer on monday to go over all the weight machines in the gym... and now that MizFit knows I'm doing it.. now I REALLY need to follow through or she will kick my butt! ; )

Thanks always to everyone who comments and/or adds me to their watch lists. It's neat knowing that my thoughts and actions can inspire someone else! I try to get to everyone's page to catch up and even If I don't get a moment to write.. know that you all are on my mind and keep me going!

Take care and have a great day tomorrow!

100th post!

Pretty neat!

GREAT day today... I did push myself at the gym today and feel awesome about! This must be what it feels like to have energy! I walked for 60minutes..at 3.0mph, bumping the incline up every 5 minutes or so.. half way through I decided I could walk a little faster..so I bumped it up to 3.2mph. By the time the inclines were up to 3 .. I was feelin it! In the end I worked off 425 calories... I usually do 250cal ... so almost doubled it! I bet if I keep walking a little faster each time.. I'll double it! Very proud of myself!

I ate well today and got all my water in. I did have a cup of coffee with creamer and sugar.. not so clean.. but also not the end of the world either. I can't believe I'm doing salads and actually enjoying it. I think it's the avacado.. LOVE avacado. I've also been warming up my protein (turkey or beans or chicken) to put on top of my salad. I'm only using red wine vinegar and am so ok with that.

While walking I thought up a plan to get everything scheduled into my week. I will do my cardio (walking...eventually jogging!) on M/W/F/Sat. In a few weeks.. once I'm positive and settled into my cardio/eating routine (it's not good to change TOO much at once!) I will add strength training on T/Th/Sat. I will do this at home after I get back from working out my voice (need to practice the singing!). I still need to find a good program. I'll be doing it at home, in a small space. Not sure If I should eat before.. I'll be getting home from practice by 7...I don't want to eat late.. but I don't know if working out late is worse.. (thoughts anyone?) I have strength bands and a yoga ball... so i need to find a strength training program to do with those... or scrounge some money to get free weights.

Overall... great day.. I'm feeling positive and strong today. After my walk I went back to the changing room to grab my stuff.... I looked in the mirror , winked at myself.. and said

" You can do this... You ROCK!"

I hope you all had a great day!

believe in your self

After a fun little bet with Karen of Fitcetera, I started thinking that maybe I am not pushing myself enough. I do my little walk.. and while it's still good for me and burns about 250calorie.. I think.. no.. I KNOW I can do more.. I always say that 'If I can lose 5lbs this month' that's pretty good!..but..Maybe I'm not believing in myself enough.. or not pushing myself enough.. Maybe I could lose 2lbs a week...I know slow is good.. and 2lbs a week is still in the ok range.

Instead of saying '5lbs a month is good enough'.. I'm going to step it up and challenge myself to work hard and eat well and really test myself and see what I can do!!

I will not settle for mediocre... in health, in life, in exercise, in LOVE... I'm worth more!

(I'd cry.. kinda of want to.. what a powerful statement!!!.. but im at work!)

I fell off the wagon...

I've been really struggling with eating right the past week.. I had a wedding to go to Saturday and it was buffett.. I got a huge plate of food.. ugh.. AND there was a candy bar.. which I ate all my candy today to "get it out of the house"... I had chinese tonight..and about 6 shortbread cookies

I just have no control right now.. I keep waiting for that gym membership thinking it will change everything.. and It will.. I will definently watch what I eat even more.. but I can't wait for that.. because who knows if ill be getting into a gym any time soon.

Anyways.. Tomorrow is a new day.. and I will continue to count my 30 points a day.. and since Saturday is my restart.. I have definently used my 35 weekly points. I have cleaned my room and have space to work out and have no reason not to. My goal is to do some form of movement at least 2 times this week. I have a pilates ball that I can also attach bands too... I have taebo on dvd... I should be able to take 20 - 30 minutes after work to workout instead of sit on my ass for 4 hours after work.

I'm going to lose this weight.. even if it means 1 lb a week or less... I'm not living my life. I cancled a date because I feel so fat and just don't feel like meeting people. That's not good! SO.. I need to lose weight to make myself feel better about myself.. and to actually live my life.. because right now I'm just wasting it. I've let my weight really hold me back recently. I need to seriously focus on me.. and take losing weight seriously. I need to be focused and determined 100%.. stay within points and get some kind of exercise in. I have to do this.. I'm not healthy and I'm definently not happy.. this changes NOW.