Major Life decisions...

and not weight related...

I'm sitting here at work.. bored as usual because, really, this job could totally be part time but I'm not complaining.. at least I get paid full time though most of my time is spent bored, farting around on the computer...

I'm trying to decide what to do with my life... I'm kinda in a position where I could go and do anything.. but I'm not quite sure WHAT that is yet..

1. Go back to teaching public school music: I still really *do* want to work with children.. and I still want to be involved with music.. but I have let my teaching certification for New York State expire.. I can renew it, so that's not really an issue.. I think back to when I was teaching last year.. and I loved teaching 3rd grade through 6th.. If I could find an elem. job teaching 2-5th or 6th.. that would be great. I love being around he little ones because they are so non-judgemental and of course the hugs are a great perk.. I was *happy* teaching that age range. When I think back to when I was teaching MS/HS.. It was a struggle.. BUT.. i was in a district that had low support for music..and very apathetic students.. I'm not sold on teaching choir at those levels either.. It's been so long since I've been in a choral situation that I feel very nervous about it.. I guess I just feel rusty when It comes to teaching at that level. The plus side of that level, however, is getting to work on solo work with students... something I *love* to do.. so It's a toss up on where I want to be.. and also what STATE I want to be in...

2. which brings me to #2... WHERE to live. I really want to be either in a city or at least near one. I want singing ops and culture.. I'm done with living in upstate NY... I'm considering the long island area because I have a ton of friends down there... the Baltimore/DC area.. because I have friends there AND there is a University I would love to go to to work on my DMA... which I still want to look into even though I'm feeling out of sorts with singing (see #3). Then there is Portland Oregon.. where my twin sister is... THAT is a huge life change.. moving across the country, away from all of my friends and the life I have known.. but I get to be with my sister.. who I miss TERRIBLY.. we haven't seen each other in a year.. but I am afraid to leave everything else behind..

3. Singing... last nights concert was good... but I had a real hard time saying one positive thing about the experience as I was driving home.. I am so SO hard on myself.. I beat myself up about my voice and how I performed more than I ever have about being fat.. in fact.. I don't really beat myself up about anything.. except for singing. I don't know how that was ingrained in me.. I never had pushy teachers or parents.. I just brought it on myself.. something I really REALLY need to work on.. because If I cant enjoy singing.. then what's the point? Why put myself through this mental torture every time I go to sing?

4. I have the option to make my summer camp job a full time, year round, camp job. But It means I'd have to live in middle-of-nowhere PA.. at the camp.. year round. I find it appealing sometimes.. I mean.. I get free housing, a food budget, free utilities, and a salary of at least $30K a year.. and I think I would be able to pay all my bills and students loans with that... but it's not really music related.. I wouldn't be teaching.. Id be doing office work.. and while I could probably set up my own teaching studio out of house.. it isn't a great area for finding students... My weak self just wants to give up on everything and just take the camp job full time/year round... then I don't have to worry about anything... but that feels like such a cop-out... but I also know the owner of the camp is really hoping I do take the job as it would free up more of his time.. and I do love working there.. tough call on that one..

5. I guess most of this is all waiting to see what happens with my parents estates come May. It always comes down to $.. where can I afford to move to.. can I even afford to move.. in that case then working at camp might have to be what I do.. I hate that I just cant give a definite YES to one thing.. my mind is wandering in too many areas and I'm not 100% sold on any of them and I hate that.. I want some direction and I want it now.. and I want to not be such an emotional wreck.. I know it's my choice to be happy or not.. but what is it so hard for me to stick with it. My voice teacher said that or situations start to become habits.. I keep crying in my lessons when I get frustrated.. it's a habit and I need to deal with it and break it.. just like this uncertainty and my victim mentality is a habit.. I've been swimming in it since my parents both passed away 5 years ago.. it's so ingrained in me and It's going to take a massive emotional and mental change to get over it... and that change is SCARY.. I keep saying I want to be happier, do yoga, meditation, gratitude journals.. all these things.. but I never step up to it.. I'm afraid to be this happy person and it's frustrating that I keep myself in this dark place... I have a few times to refer back to when I was actually happy and productive.. so I know it can be done.. I just need to take the risk to change and be a better person

I know I need to change.. and I have some huge life changing situations to deal with.. how to find direction though?! Luckily it's Spring.. time for renewal.. cleaning out all the clutter.. I just need to actually DO it this time.. I do deserve the life that I have in mind ... it's time.

Car dilema...

Repairs to the suv today did not fix it completely.. cylinder #5 is still showing up on the check engine light errors... today they replaced the spark plug to #5, checked the rpm compression .. car still shakes and is sluggish on hills and the engine sounds like a diesel engine.

I don't have any more $ to put into this 2002 santa fe that has 105k miles and $5k left on the loan

but.. I need a car for work and gigs...I have to be in Syracuse tuesday night (1hr 15m drive) for a rehearsal.. and back up Sunday afternoon for the concert.

the shop said that there is still something wrong, possibly the fuel injection for cylinder#5...and then there's the 'knocking' engine (the diesel engine sound)... so even if I get the injection replaced.. there could still be issues.

So do I ask for a salary advance from my summer job... pray I get some $ from the sale of my fathers estate/closing of mom's estate that will tide me over the summer.. and keep fixing my suv? I put in $550 today.. half went on what was left of the credit on my monro muffler credit card (where I took it to get fixed btw... lucky I had some $ left there).. the rest is coming from my paycheck I'm getting for next weekends concert. I was going to use that money to pay for getting my taxes done and save a little for the summer and transition to a new job after the summer.

Or should I not fix it.. pray it lasts until May when I may get some $ from estate sales... just drive to syracuse tuesday and sunday.. and then walk to work the rest of the time... keep my car off the road until I have to drive back home for the estate sale May 2nd... and then after I see where I am $-wise.. either fix my suv or try to get into something used-new?

I tried to get into something used-new last time (end of Jan.) but my credit isn't good and I didn't have a down payment.. but I would be trading in

I really don't know what to do... I guess I'm leaning towards just getting my summer pay advanced.. fix the suv... and pray I get some $ from the Estate to tide me over in the summer

Thoughts? I'm actually going through all my stuff to see what I can sell.. looking for any way to get some extra cash... tv.. instruments.. dvds... books... a savings bond that comes to maturity in 2010

It's like.. "what the hell!".. when do I fucking get my break?! I've spent the past 5..almost 6 years now dealing with crap.. trying to get my life back in order.. trying to find some peace and happiness... and I feel like I just keep getting kicked back down. I mean.. I know its all going to work out in the end and that this is NOTHING compared to what other people are dealing with and in the grand scheme of life.. this is just a bump.. albeit..a HUGE bump... in my journey... it just really sucks because I am really stretching for money and am worried about how I'm going to afford everything come summer and into fall... what with moving, finding a new teaching job, dealing with the estate in may

send any and all positive vibes my way.. and seriously.. if anyone has any suggestions on my car issues and/or lack of $... please let me know

clarity through poetry

I happened across an Anais Nin quote...

Dreams are necessary to life.

and kept reading on through a list of her quotes and many spoke to me... but this next one really set me off...

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

I have spent SO long in a state of fear... and fear of many things.... but most recently it is fear of Money and my inability to have a healthy relationship with it. I speak mainly of debts and the looming federal and state tax bill I have to pay. This is not something I can change now.. it is something I have to come to accept and deal with. I made mistakes and now I have to pay the consequences..

but

I can NOT let this make me immobile to life and to living. This whole week I've been down and what these negative feelings and emotions all boil down to is my issue with $ right now. I feel good about everything thing else in my life... my weight loss efforts, my career efforts.. but money issues are really dragging me down.

NO MORE

I will not live my life in fear.. wether it be fear of money... of love.. of loss

I need to live my life to fullest NOW.. in the PRESENT.. not in the past or even the future..

There is no reason I can't start my day with a smile and a positive attitude.. NO REASON at ALL!

Time to snap out of what ever this funk is and get back to living my life... I know I'm feeling bound and helpless in Ithaca now... with no friends around.. a job that isn't putting me any closer to career goals... a financial situation that is unfortunate but fixable...

but I have goals in mind.. a future to fulfill and I cant pause my life until the ideal situations come along.... I need to stay in the moment and take life at its full value

Yes.. you owe a lot of money in taxes... you take full responsibility for it and will find a way to take care of it.. in the meantime.. you have been making excellent choices about how to spend and save money... all of your credit cards are no longer fully maxed out and you are paying them down... you have money left after paying bills to put aside...

Yes.. losing weight is HARD.. but look how far you have come in past 2 months... down 12lbs.. thats an average of 6lbs a month.. exactly where you need to be...losing weight at a good pace and making better choices every day. You have found ways to increase water, increase exercise and increase protein and have a blanced 'diet'.

yes... your job isn't ideal ... but it could be worse.... at least you work with relatively nice people and your job is, for the most part, a pretty easy job. You have learned new skills (billing) and enjoy helping others and seeing the station succeede. You also have a summer and possible fall of amazing opportunities with Ballibay... being able to really stretch your leardership 'wings' and build the music program up! Remember your feelings of pride and passion you have at Ballibay as you look for teaching jobs for the fall... your reasons for avoiding teaching public school music are outnumbered by the reasons you love teaching and spreading your love and passion for music.

I leave you with more Anais Nin quotes... I need to find out more about this author...

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

rollercoasters are fun... just not the emotional ones....

Since fridays crazyness my emotions have been all over the place! I blame it on the end of Aunt Flow and doing Stupid Taxes.

I had a meeting at camp last night and while I have been given more responisbilities in the summer (which is what I asked for)... things are a little iffy for after the summer. I'd like to work for the camp full time.. but to do that.. i'd have to actually LIVE at the camp.. in the middle of no-where PA.. for the whole time. I guess I had it in my mind to work for camp on my own terms.. i.e.. living in/near the city.. doing work from my home office.. and taking the evenings to teach a perform. That's not what John (the Boss) had in mind.. so now my thoughts of 'what to do with my life' all come flooding back in... And then after just starting (not finishing.. I became frustrated..) my taxes.. It looks like I am going to be OWEING a butt load of taxes back. It didn't help that I had 4 different jobs last year.. and one of them in PA.. it also didn't help (and OH how I regret this one..).. that I emptied the 7K out of my IRA because I 'needed the Money'.. I can't even remember why I thought I needed that money last year.. I was teaching so I had a pretty descent salary.. something must've came up (my guess is either car problems or Student Loan payments)...and I had to take that money out. or maybe I just felt that since I hadn't put any money in there since 2003.. that it was a waste..

well.. now I'm paying for that huge mistake... I think my biggest goal this year ( after losing my weight ofcourse..) is getting my life financially stable. I am in no way living outside my means now.. I'm making 25K/yr at this radio job.. and I am on a strict budget. I guess I should've paid more attention when I was teaching.. I kind of just didn't think about $ because I knew it would always be there.. but things crept up on me.. I moved.. I changed jobs.. i was unemployed for awhile.. life got in the way.

Now I'm confronted with how to pay back all these taxes... and what to do with my life after the summer.

If I work for camp year round.. I'd have to live in PA.. the reason I'm leaving upstate ny is becuase there are so few teaching/performing opportunities... and if I move to PA.. then I'm still in that situation... BUT.. as part of my salary/compensation... I get to live there for free.. utilities are free and I get a food budget... But can I still afford to pay all my bills. They don't know how much they have or if they can afford me. I need to sit down and figure out how much I pay towards bills.. including the student loans that will be coming back into effect this summer (can't defer forever...)

ughh.... and to top it all off.. I think I'm allergic to gum.. or at least something in the gum because while I was cheweing a piece of stride spearamint gum.. the vein or maybe salivary gland? under my tounge on the left side became swollen and it was hard to swallow...and actually kind of hurt and made my left side of my jaw/ear hurt and feel a little numb. This has happend once before.. but I don't remember chewing gum then.. I was reading up online about anything similar and it ofcourse came back with a bazillion different ideas... cysts in the glands.. salivary 'stones'.. but nothing saying that gum can cause an allergic reaction like what I had.. I'll just stay away from gum I guess...

and.. my throat is itchy.. I think it was just dry air last night.. and I took a benadryl thinking it would help with my inflammed tounge vein...

oh life.... *sigh*

I at least had a pleasant surprise on the scale this am.. couldnt resist the temptation of the all-knowing scale..

219.6

bodies are weird....