What is wrong with me?!

What happened to the girl who actually *cared* about what she ate and how much she moved.

I'm at an all-time high of 260.

I just kind of gave up.... I've been eating crap and have had no second thoughts about it.

I know that if I keep it up I will be at 300 soon.

Looking back at my stats when I actually cared... last weigh in was 4/20 and I was 222.

Almost a year later... and 38lbs later... and I'm so miserable.

I know how to eat right... I know that working out is important.

I just can't get my mind wrapped around it all again. All I think is that 'what's the point.. I'm just going to gain it all back again'... it's this endless cycle and I don't know how to break it.

I got suckered into a fad diet... suddenly slim... it's pills and shakes and no carbs. That lasted a day and a half. I don't know why I even bothered. I know deep down that there is no quick/easy fix. Losing weight is hard and it takes consistent effort.

I know there are people out there that have gone through phases like this... and also people that are successful in what they do to lose weight.

What I need right now is inspiration.... so tell me.... how are you doing this 'healthy life' thing and what do you do to bounce back?!

I'm going to go read through my old posts and see if that helps.

did I do it...

Yes.. I DID go to the gym after work.. and then came home and made falafel (not fried, baked!) but had a second serving.. didn't make it to practice tho.. SO cold.. so I finished my taxes instead.. still owe.. but not as much as I thought.. I think I am going to take my stuff to a tax preparer though.. there were some questions on the online prep that I had no clue on.. so.. once I get paid for my singing gig in mid march.. i will finish my taxes.

I'm up to 223 this morning... I can't get to the gym tonight because of a meeting.. I know I'm retaining because of my mood/emotions.. I'm stressed about $.. but I just have to decide to be at peace with it all so I can de-stress.. I've come too far to back slide all the way back to 234 (or worse, 245.. my highest in the past few years)

I think maybe I'm a little lost with what to eat.. I mean.. I know what I should be eating... but I think I can do better and wonder if there is an eating plan out there that I could follow..I feel like I'm eating too many carbs/starches... not that I am against them.. I am not an atkins fan.. and know the importance of carbs...

I didn't get to cook this weekend so I bought stuff for salads for lunch.. but I really do not enjoy salads.. and I don't have enough 'stuff' to put on them.. and they have never been filling for me... so last night I made some weird mix of food for lunch.. ditalini pasta, black beans, squash and chili spice.. i put 1/4c of cheese on top to melt when I microwave it for lunch..

I'm totally not following a 'clean eating' diet anymore.. I've added back in sugar.. and while I still check lables for High fructose corn syrup.. I know I've added more processed foods back in.. like the lite ranch dressing i used on my falafel sandwiches last night..

I'm on the edge of not caring about what I eat.. and that's not good. All weekend I thought about buying a bag of doritos.. and actually had them in hand at one point (but put them back).. I'm frustrated.. and I know it's all because my LIFE is frustrating right now.. too much uncertainty and I'm just anxious... It makes it really hard to lose weight when you head really isnt in the game..

so my question to you all...

What is working for you food wise...
and
how do YOU combat the 'I wan't to give up/i'm tired of trying/this is hard' feelings/thoughts.

It's hard for me to ask for help.. but really...

Help?!

one day at a time ... Relationships

This post has nothing to do with weight loss and should really belong in a personal journal but I started it and I'm hoping some of you ladies (or guys) can just tell me I'm doing the right thing here because My heart and mind are at war...
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I am on a downward spiral tonight.
I had to as the ex for a ride home from work since no one in the office was around to help me out. I regretted asking immediately. I have been SO strong with keeping him out of my life this past month. Granted - him being away on winter break helped. I was really able to just focus on me and It really did amazing things for me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

That all ended after a simple phone call.

I know I had no other options.. but I'm mad at myself for having to bring him back into my life. I'm sure he thinks that I must be ok with being friends with him because I asked for help. and that is SO far from the truth.

While walking out to his car after work I had to tell myself to be cold.. to not give in to anything... and it's not like he is a manipulative person..I still just miss him so freaking much.. I miss having someone to talk to and just be with. We tried to be friends after the break up in August.. and it worked for the most part. I can't just forget what we had though... I don't know how he can act like we never dated and that everything is ok. He doesnt understand how I can't just be friends.

God i was so cold in the car to him.. I HATE that.. I am not a cold person.. I loved this guy... I fucking MOVED back to Ithaca for him! I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him.. and I thought he was on the same page!

I think what bugs me the most is how we never really closed the relationship.. we just went into being friends (well.. after a month of not speaking). There is so much left between us that is unanswered.. I guess at least for me.

He ended it because he realized he didn't 'love me anymore'.... I'm sorry.. but we just spent the past year pretty darn happy.. talking about our futures together.. buying a house... we went to a wedding in July and he seemed perfectly happy. I moved back to Ithaca in August and 3 days later he tells me he doesnt love me and we should end things.

My whole world just crashed down around me.. He later tells me that he thinks we should never have gotten together in the first place.... So what.. this past year meant nothing?! "no" he says " it meant something at the time"... well obviously not if you thought we shouldnt have been together in the first place..

I want to know why the hell he wasted my time.. and what moment in time did he decide we shouldnt be together.. because frankly.. he seemed pretty fucking happy up until I moved back.

I still think to this day that he just didn't want to hurt me.. so he kept at it.. stringing me a long while he figured out his own feelings and (lack of) emotions. He's a coward and is afraid to commit and actually be in a relationship.

I dont know.. I just wish I knew why he ended it.. 'i dont love you anymore' just doesnt cut it for me.. its too broad.. I need specifics I guess.. I mean we've known eachother for 2 years... it's not like we didn't have things in common.. we were on the same page goal and career-wise... and up until he dumped me , I was under the impression that things were really great between us.

Boy was I wrong...

I still have moments of feeling like an idiot for loving him so much... and that just SUCKS. I have a lot of resentment towards him... while he didn't ask me to move back here for him.. he was happy that we would now be in the same city... we had been driving almost an hour to see eachother last year. And now I'm here.. alone and angry... and he wants to be friends and act like nothing happend... and still treat me how he treated me, and do the same things we did... when we were a couple... I just cant do it.

Tonight in the ride home he tried to make small talk.. asked me if I wanted to go do dinner.. and I just was not having it. I was as nice as I could be and just smiled and nodded. I had to really restrain myself from being the nice person I usually am just because I didnt want him to think I was ok with being around him.. because I'm not...I don't want him in my life anymore.. I'm tired of him and the situation.. I cant wait until the end of May when my lease is up and I can get the fuck out of Ithaca and move on with my life.

I hate being angry and I hate having to push people out of my life. When I have had so much loss.. all I want is to bring people in... and I though he was finally someone I could keep in my life and that we actually had a future

and now we dont.. and I can't even have him as a friend because even THAT is too hard

I'll be interested to see if he says anything about the way I acted in the car. Part of the old me wishes he would and realize what an idiot he is for letting me go. But then the real me says that even if he did say that, which he wont, because 'hello - he doesnt love you'.. why would you want to go back with someone who obviously has issues with romantic relationnships? (um.. because I'm lonely and miss having someone around...)

ugh.. I could keep going in circles about this. I havent fallen apart of him since before he left for break back in mid-december... after our last 'hanging out' which turned in to flirting on both our parts (which he started) and ended up with me thinking 'he must like me still if he flirting'.. so I went for the kiss.. which he returned but then he quickly blamed on the wine we had had.

I know I just need to focus on myself but it's hard because I'm lonely in Ithaca.. yes I have a bunch of friends who support me and are there for me.. but they arent physically here for me. It's just me in Ithaca.. and until the end of May, I'm going to have to really work on being ok with that.

omg.. i need to stop complaining....

Kindda down tonight..

so let's figure out why...

I didn't get financed for the Murano. This after dealing with a really crappy sales guy who had no clue and no customer service skills.. I was pretty annoyed about that. I went to the Hyundai dealer tonight.. told him my story and he took all my info to see what he could do. I currently own a hyundai..so there is the incentives for that. He heavily suggested a co-signer to help things and asked 'what about mom and dad?'

I hate this question...and can only brush it off casually so much.. so I just said right out.. "my mom and dad both passed away a few years ago... and my sister is out in Portland... so no.. there really is no one around to help co-sign'

insert awkward fumbling of words by sales guy

Overall I don't mind telling people about this...as long as I know them (Karen - you are FINE!!!).. I think I'm just annoyed with the car buying process and frustrated with the $ issue of it all. I can't ask any of my friends to co-sign.. we are all in financial submarines.. and we all are struggling (or sinking, to go along with the submarine analogy!). I just started my new job.. and don't think I could ever ask my boss anyways.. thats just weird.. and other relatives.. I just dont feel *that* close to to be asking for a co-sign. My best friend Eva co-signed for one of my student loans and I feel so guilty having her on there.. especially since I have to keep deffering that loan and they bug her about it. I just dont like having to tie someone in to my mess.. and not that I'm not able to make monthy car payments now.. I do $320 a month now.. I just get nervous with $ I guess.

So..Hyundai is going to see what they can get me in to.. even if its not an suv, which I would prefer..I haven't felt safe in a car since my car accident back in 2003.. I like to be higher up and off the ground! Ofcourse when the dealer drove my car he didnt get the crazy shifting/bucking issue that I keep having.. why does it always work like that?!

Anyways.. So that's been bugging me today...

I was also doing training or "remedial help" as I call it.. at another radio station today. The girl who trained me 2 months ago is Prego and due on Feb 5th..so i wanted to just sit down with her and review things and fix errors and just make sure I'm doing the right things.. so that was stressful..

Plus I'm cold and tired from driving for 2 hours

and.. I didn't get my regular snacks and lunch in

I went out for lunch today.. to a mexican restaurant. Now.. I am actually ok with this since I told myself I would alow 1 meal a week to be "off plan".. I had a chicken burrito, which ofcourse had cheese on top.. could I have asked for no cheese?.. sure.. but I decided not to. The burrito came with beans and rice. But then there was my downfall.. the CHIPS AND SALSA. Chips, salsa, and I are good friends.. we go way back... but they are a trigger food and I had to kick them out of the house. But.. I did say that I get one meal a week to eat what and how I want.. So.. todays lunch.. which was close to a days worth of calories in that one meal... Was just ONE MEAL out of this week.

I came home and made eggs and toast.. filled my water bottle up (also something i was lacking on today.. ).. and came up to my room to read and relax.

I actually feel better having just "said" all this.. writting is such a powerful tool for me and sometimes the best way for me to express my self.

I will not let this day ruin my week. I know that once you fall off.. you have to get right back on.. and I did that with my portion controlled dinner. The old me would've said "F*ck it!.. I'm going to go get some chinese take out because today SUCKED'... but not the new me..

The new me knows what I can achieve now.. it knows that one meal will not break me.. It knows that Food will not help me with my $ issues.. It will not help me be happy and It will not fix anything.. its just food... there to provide NUTRITION.. and thats it.

I hope you all had a great day! I'm off to watch Obama's inaguration that I had to miss because I actually had to do work.. boo hoo!

ok.. done ranting/whinning/complaining/making excusses

workout dissapointment.. (already?!)

I always do this. I get all gung-ho about something (this time working out) and when i fail to accomplish it 100% I get bummed.

I HAVE NO REASON TO BE UPSET AT HOW I WORKED OUT TODAY!!!

But I was.. I left the gym dissapointed and defeated and came home... and thought I looked myself in the mirror and told myself to snap out of it.. tears of frustration started to form.

I walked at 3mph for 40 minutes... then got bored and my shins started to hurt so I stopped/gave-up.

I got on the elliptical for a whopping 5 minutes and then the front of my thighs were killing.. so I stopped... (i have issues with the Elliptical!)

I got on the recumbant bike.. 1 minute later..got off after seeing it would take an hour to burn 40 calories at the rate I was going.

I think I'm mentally getting ahead of myself. I want to be able to burn an extra 500cals a day and eat 500 less cals a day.. but maybe that's not really do-able. I've put my info into a handful of BMR calculators and each one give me a different number. I just want to figure out how many calories it takes for me to maintain so I can figure out how to LOSE from there!!

I don't know why I'm going nuts about making sure I'm burning enough calories.. It's not like I'm at a plateau.. I mean.. CRIPES! I'm only on my second week of eating clean and I LOST 2lbs last week.

I really think I'm mental! haha

Anyways.. I will take some time tonight to reflect on my crazyness and breathe a little.

Everything I'm doing.. no matter how little it seems to me... I am still doing myself and my body a favor. I must not forget this. Every step I take.. Every bite I make ("I'll be watching youuuu!"..ha)... all these moves are bringing me one step closer to goal. I need not be so hard on myself.