Hey oh!

Still here! Going through a lot of transition now... new job.. new town...new everything... Lot's to update on and I will once I get a little more settled and have a moment to write!

Following Biggest Loser again... I can't say it enough.. but this show is so freakin' MOTIVATIONAL and INSPIRING. Love it!

I hope you all are doing well and had a great summer. I have a great feeling about the Fall and future.. Things are looking up all around!

Major Life decisions...

and not weight related...

I'm sitting here at work.. bored as usual because, really, this job could totally be part time but I'm not complaining.. at least I get paid full time though most of my time is spent bored, farting around on the computer...

I'm trying to decide what to do with my life... I'm kinda in a position where I could go and do anything.. but I'm not quite sure WHAT that is yet..

1. Go back to teaching public school music: I still really *do* want to work with children.. and I still want to be involved with music.. but I have let my teaching certification for New York State expire.. I can renew it, so that's not really an issue.. I think back to when I was teaching last year.. and I loved teaching 3rd grade through 6th.. If I could find an elem. job teaching 2-5th or 6th.. that would be great. I love being around he little ones because they are so non-judgemental and of course the hugs are a great perk.. I was *happy* teaching that age range. When I think back to when I was teaching MS/HS.. It was a struggle.. BUT.. i was in a district that had low support for music..and very apathetic students.. I'm not sold on teaching choir at those levels either.. It's been so long since I've been in a choral situation that I feel very nervous about it.. I guess I just feel rusty when It comes to teaching at that level. The plus side of that level, however, is getting to work on solo work with students... something I *love* to do.. so It's a toss up on where I want to be.. and also what STATE I want to be in...

2. which brings me to #2... WHERE to live. I really want to be either in a city or at least near one. I want singing ops and culture.. I'm done with living in upstate NY... I'm considering the long island area because I have a ton of friends down there... the Baltimore/DC area.. because I have friends there AND there is a University I would love to go to to work on my DMA... which I still want to look into even though I'm feeling out of sorts with singing (see #3). Then there is Portland Oregon.. where my twin sister is... THAT is a huge life change.. moving across the country, away from all of my friends and the life I have known.. but I get to be with my sister.. who I miss TERRIBLY.. we haven't seen each other in a year.. but I am afraid to leave everything else behind..

3. Singing... last nights concert was good... but I had a real hard time saying one positive thing about the experience as I was driving home.. I am so SO hard on myself.. I beat myself up about my voice and how I performed more than I ever have about being fat.. in fact.. I don't really beat myself up about anything.. except for singing. I don't know how that was ingrained in me.. I never had pushy teachers or parents.. I just brought it on myself.. something I really REALLY need to work on.. because If I cant enjoy singing.. then what's the point? Why put myself through this mental torture every time I go to sing?

4. I have the option to make my summer camp job a full time, year round, camp job. But It means I'd have to live in middle-of-nowhere PA.. at the camp.. year round. I find it appealing sometimes.. I mean.. I get free housing, a food budget, free utilities, and a salary of at least $30K a year.. and I think I would be able to pay all my bills and students loans with that... but it's not really music related.. I wouldn't be teaching.. Id be doing office work.. and while I could probably set up my own teaching studio out of house.. it isn't a great area for finding students... My weak self just wants to give up on everything and just take the camp job full time/year round... then I don't have to worry about anything... but that feels like such a cop-out... but I also know the owner of the camp is really hoping I do take the job as it would free up more of his time.. and I do love working there.. tough call on that one..

5. I guess most of this is all waiting to see what happens with my parents estates come May. It always comes down to $.. where can I afford to move to.. can I even afford to move.. in that case then working at camp might have to be what I do.. I hate that I just cant give a definite YES to one thing.. my mind is wandering in too many areas and I'm not 100% sold on any of them and I hate that.. I want some direction and I want it now.. and I want to not be such an emotional wreck.. I know it's my choice to be happy or not.. but what is it so hard for me to stick with it. My voice teacher said that or situations start to become habits.. I keep crying in my lessons when I get frustrated.. it's a habit and I need to deal with it and break it.. just like this uncertainty and my victim mentality is a habit.. I've been swimming in it since my parents both passed away 5 years ago.. it's so ingrained in me and It's going to take a massive emotional and mental change to get over it... and that change is SCARY.. I keep saying I want to be happier, do yoga, meditation, gratitude journals.. all these things.. but I never step up to it.. I'm afraid to be this happy person and it's frustrating that I keep myself in this dark place... I have a few times to refer back to when I was actually happy and productive.. so I know it can be done.. I just need to take the risk to change and be a better person

I know I need to change.. and I have some huge life changing situations to deal with.. how to find direction though?! Luckily it's Spring.. time for renewal.. cleaning out all the clutter.. I just need to actually DO it this time.. I do deserve the life that I have in mind ... it's time.

Sunday Weigh In!

DOWN 2.8 lbs
Current Weight: 219.6

I managed to turn my thoughts around, made some better choices in food and exercise...

I needed this loss after the past few weeks. I was definitely in a mini-depression.. mostly about $. I am extremely grateful to a bunch of friends who really stepped up to lend a hand and helped me realize that there is help if needed and I do not have to do this all on my own... that it is 'OK' to ask for (and receive) help.

Planned out my food for the week... yogurt w/granola and berries for breakfast... I may still do protein shakes in the afternoon.. grilled chicken sandwich w/avocado for lunch, with grapes.. and salad or veg and bean/turkey chili for dinner... I can never get sick of chili.. it's been a few weeks since that's been on my menu..

Things are looking up for this coming week...hitting the gym M-F. Will practice music after work then go to the gym.. then home for dinner. May be a later dinner then normal... like 7 or 8.. but I don't got to be until 11, so I think that's enough time to digest...

Just gotta keep doing what works.. I can't worry about the future.. I'll get there when I get there.. I need to stay focused on what is going good for me now... prepare as much for the future as I can.. but really.. just let it happen. I can't sit here today worry about what may happen in the future with my $ issues... with losing weight... with finding a good job... It made me just tailspin into depression, anger, and sadness.. all things that work against me and make me miserable.. which in turn stall any weight loss and emotional well-being efforts....

I hope you all had a good weekend and have a great week!

clarity through poetry

I happened across an Anais Nin quote...

Dreams are necessary to life.

and kept reading on through a list of her quotes and many spoke to me... but this next one really set me off...

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

I have spent SO long in a state of fear... and fear of many things.... but most recently it is fear of Money and my inability to have a healthy relationship with it. I speak mainly of debts and the looming federal and state tax bill I have to pay. This is not something I can change now.. it is something I have to come to accept and deal with. I made mistakes and now I have to pay the consequences..

but

I can NOT let this make me immobile to life and to living. This whole week I've been down and what these negative feelings and emotions all boil down to is my issue with $ right now. I feel good about everything thing else in my life... my weight loss efforts, my career efforts.. but money issues are really dragging me down.

NO MORE

I will not live my life in fear.. wether it be fear of money... of love.. of loss

I need to live my life to fullest NOW.. in the PRESENT.. not in the past or even the future..

There is no reason I can't start my day with a smile and a positive attitude.. NO REASON at ALL!

Time to snap out of what ever this funk is and get back to living my life... I know I'm feeling bound and helpless in Ithaca now... with no friends around.. a job that isn't putting me any closer to career goals... a financial situation that is unfortunate but fixable...

but I have goals in mind.. a future to fulfill and I cant pause my life until the ideal situations come along.... I need to stay in the moment and take life at its full value

Yes.. you owe a lot of money in taxes... you take full responsibility for it and will find a way to take care of it.. in the meantime.. you have been making excellent choices about how to spend and save money... all of your credit cards are no longer fully maxed out and you are paying them down... you have money left after paying bills to put aside...

Yes.. losing weight is HARD.. but look how far you have come in past 2 months... down 12lbs.. thats an average of 6lbs a month.. exactly where you need to be...losing weight at a good pace and making better choices every day. You have found ways to increase water, increase exercise and increase protein and have a blanced 'diet'.

yes... your job isn't ideal ... but it could be worse.... at least you work with relatively nice people and your job is, for the most part, a pretty easy job. You have learned new skills (billing) and enjoy helping others and seeing the station succeede. You also have a summer and possible fall of amazing opportunities with Ballibay... being able to really stretch your leardership 'wings' and build the music program up! Remember your feelings of pride and passion you have at Ballibay as you look for teaching jobs for the fall... your reasons for avoiding teaching public school music are outnumbered by the reasons you love teaching and spreading your love and passion for music.

I leave you with more Anais Nin quotes... I need to find out more about this author...

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

and we're back!

I feel the forward momentum building.. FINALLY... had a few rough weeks but they are behind me now and I am moving forward... I feel good about my exercise plan... moving every day... taking sunday off... I'm getting practice time in and am feeling better about that every day... I even took a peek at the scale this morning and my weight is finally moving DOWN...

So glad to be back in land of positive thinking and forward motion...

no back-sliding!

I'm very tempted right now to ask the ex if he wants to go get some food... and by food I mean go to friendly's and eat tons of crap because that's what we used to do.

I'm actually sitting here, ready to forget all my past plans of action about eating as well as how I feel about him and our situation.

so I'm here to remind myself on where I am and WHY I do not want to revert back to my old self.

Yes.. I miss him terribly.. we were texting just now and I wouldn't come out and just ask him if he wanted to get food. One of my biggest issues with him and our past relationship was that I was always the one to initiate things.... I made the majority of the decision about what we do.. where we go.. and I am SICK of it. I promised myself when we parted a month ago (as friends... he was off on break from college and went home to Florida)... that I would give myself all my attention... That these next 4 months I am here in Ithaca.. that I would just FOCUS ON ME.. and If that meant we were no longer friends.. then that's what happens. I will not revert back to the old me just because I'm bored tonight.. or lonely ... and that's why I'm willing to sabotage myself and all the good changes I've made this past month while he was a way.

I need to really really stay strong on this... I decided a few weeks ago that unless he initiates hanging out.. then I will not be seeing him. I NEED this rule so I don't fall back into what I used to be. Yes.. It sucks that I have to conciously work at keeping someone out of my life for my health... but that's just it... If I can't be the best I am.. and be heathy in body AND MIND... then I can't have him in my life. And it's not that he is a horrible person.. that's part of my angst.. we do have fun hanging out and he is a genuinely nice, kind hearted, guy.. so it makes it hard for me to just push him away.

But my mental and physical health is priceless... I have done amazing things these past 4 weeks... Weigh loss is not just about losing pounds.. its about changing thoughts and ideas about food.. about exercise.. about relationships with food and people... EVERYTHING HAS TO CHANGE

This is hard for me because I don't like to ignore people or remove them from my life. A lot of that has to do with my fear of loss because of Losing my mom and dad 5 years ago. It's scary for me (and here come the tears.. so I know this is the reason... )

I don't like to let go of things.. whether it's people or food... Loss is hard for me to cope with and in the past I've tried to heal it with food as well as being in unhealthy, usually only sexual, relationships. They gave me a false sense of fulfilment...and made me feel like I wasn't alone when all they were really doing was masking my true feelings.

This past month has been huge on fixing these empty feelings. I have gained so much strength and positivity from accomplishing goals. I feel stronger from exercising ... stronger both physically but also mentally and emotionally. I have to be willing to let go of things/people that no longer help me to be this new, stronger, individual that I am becoming.

I LOVE how I am changing... I've been afraid to let this person out because it had always been easier NOT to think about it... CHANGE IS HARD.. and it was just easier to be fat and resigned to life and love. How sad is that?! I was fine with being mediocre and was just grateful to be loved.. even if I was loved by someone who only 'loved me' because I would sleep with them. My most recent ex, the one I speak of tonight.. loved me for more than just sex.. and he *did* help me realize I was worth more than just that... but he still wasnt quite what I wanted but I SETTLED because it was easier then pushing myself to be better and healthier.

I will not send another text back to him. If HE wants to initiate something.. I will consider it but know that deep down, I need to let go of him and just focus on myself. I have other support besides an ex that never truly loved me... I have friends in real life and here in blog land that support me and push me in the right ways... and want me to be the best I can be.

This is my time now... and no one elses...
This is my LIFE... and only I decided how it's run
My past does not define me... I define me

I'm going to go put all of todays food into sparkpeople to see where I am calorie wise... then make a healthy dinner... and then find something to take my mind of my past.. maybe I will catch up on this season of '24'.

and exhale... : )

positive thinking and moving forward

Sparkpeople Translation:

How many times has somebody told you to “think positively”? Easier said than done, right? But this truly can make a difference in your life. Focus on the good, and learn from the bad. You have the freedom and ability to choose your own attitude. What will you choose? Enthusiasm can carry you through a lot more than you think. Never just be satisfied with what you have, but keep working to achieve more. Set specific goals and work for them. After you have accomplished them, set new ones. Keep working to make yourself a better person.