little by little..

One step at a time, right?

Have made it to the gym 2 days in a row!! Did 30 minutes on Monday and then 45 today. Going to do another 45 tomorrow and then 60 on Th/Fri and then hopefully I will be able to keep up with the hour walk like I used to do. My body isn't moving fast yet. 2.8mph feels really fast (thanks short legs!)

I'm doing ok with eating... I could do better with my post gym snack. I stick with the same foods for breakfast and lunch.. so that's easy.

Weigh in on monday was down to 249... OUT OF THE 250's!!!!!!!! and -3lbs.

Just gonna keep on keepin' on!

things I did right today...

Ignoring all desires to wallow in my current state of being....

Things I did GOOD today:

1. Ate a healthy breakfast and lunch and had 2 healthy snacks. I love clementine oranges!

2. Drank one whole nalgene bottle (32oz)

3. got some laughs in while watching Ellen. Richard Simmons was on and he is one crazy dude!

Tomorrow I have plans to go check out Gold's Gym (although I hear its mad expensive) and their 12 week challenge. I will work on getting 2 whole bottle of water in and eating well breakfast, lunch, snack, AND DINNER!

Hey oh!

Still here! Going through a lot of transition now... new job.. new town...new everything... Lot's to update on and I will once I get a little more settled and have a moment to write!

Following Biggest Loser again... I can't say it enough.. but this show is so freakin' MOTIVATIONAL and INSPIRING. Love it!

I hope you all are doing well and had a great summer. I have a great feeling about the Fall and future.. Things are looking up all around!

Still around!!

Hey all!
Sorry for the radio silence this summer. Working at a summer camp really leaves you with no time for blogging! I was busy music directing two musicals ( 'Beauty and the Beast' and 'Peter Pan'), teaching voice lessons, violin lessons and doing a gazillion other things this summer!

We are camper-less now, which is nice, but we still have a lot of things to wrap up... cleaning and storing things for the winter... going through lost and found and just wrapping things up! I am here at camp until I get a teaching job. I was offered a job down in DC last week but it turned out to be a bit to urban, way long hours and not enough pay... plus I think they've gone behind my back and hired someone else since I said I couldn't say 'yes' yet... thats ok BECAUSE.... I just booked an interview for a job in Newburgh, NY. It hasn't even been posted yet but because I sent in my application for a different job in their district, and I have been bugging the crap out of the head of the music dept., I am now going through the screening process for the job of "Creative Academic Support" teacher.

In short.. it's what I've been doing here at camp for the past 5 summers... music directing for the musicals! Newburgh has a performing arts magnet elementary school and I think that's the school that this job is for. It's supposedly a full time, tenure track, elementary position. I would not be teaching general music classes or chorus.. just musicals and ( I'm hoping) some voice lessons.

I think it's funny how this all came about. I was very hesitant to accompany the musicals at camp this summer.. did fine with both but REALLY had a blast doing 'Peter Pan'. The owner of camp can't stop complimenting me on how well I am playing now. And the kids sounded great too.. so I know I am doing something right. I had originally applied for a job in the elementary school at Newburgh as a general music/strings teacher, but after some restructuring of teachers.. this Support position is now open.. and not posted yet. I had a great phone chat with the director and I'm really looking forward to my interview. It's next tuesday, 8/25 (my 29th birthday! Gah!!) at 2pm. Positive thoughts/prayers please!

Eating/exercising was rough this summer.. but that's another post. Once my life settles in a few weeks, I will be getting back on that wagon and lose this weight for GOOD! I hope you all are having a great summer!

Mel

back in the saddle again

Things I did GOOD today:
1. drank 64oz of water
2. ate a healthy lunch - salad w/chicken and red onion, an apple and walnuts
3. did a 30 minute walk, with 4 minutes of 1-minute jogs

Things I can do BETTER:
1. watch over-eating at dinner just because I worked out...
2. get another 32 oz of water in
3. push for 45 minute walk/jog tomorrow

Keeping it positive!

I bought a good, supportive, sports bra today... and also a clip on mp3 player to load the coach to 5k program on to... Went to the running store today to look at shoes.. will continue search at DSW/Foot Locker in Syracuse this weekend. Will also find a new pair of workout pants as the ones I am wearing now are falling apart!

If anyone knows of any 5k runs in the fall in the NYC area.. please let me know! My BFF T and I are going to rock a 5k this fall and are preparing for it this summer!!! Actually pretty excited about it!

the weight is lifted... in more than one way...

I've been working on my taxes for the past 2 days. I usually do not wait this long but I was under the impression that I would be owing Fed and NYS taxes. After talking to a collegue at work who used to do tax prep, I find that the IRA disburtment I made did not have to be taxed in full.. only the amount that I gained was to be taxed (the the amount I contributed).. SO.. I'm ok.. I do not owe any money to the Fed or State.. and I get back $800+...so that just lifted a HUGE weight of my shoulders and I notice it already.. I'm happy and not as stressed about the future and now have some money to set aside for travel this spring and summer.

in other weight news...

Body pump class today... I really pushed myself.. didn't give in or make excuses. I feel it already.. but I am so SO proud of myself!! I had a Gillian/Biggest Loser moment... It was the 3 round of the bicep set and I was about to cry it was getting so hard.. but I pushed myself through and man.. The power/energy I feel after that class is amazing.. I love the instructor on Friday eve.. she say's all the right things and has a great attitude. The tuesday class is ok - I don't feel as motivated to push myself tho.. but I will still go... want to get at least 2 classes in a week.

Crazy crazy few weeks coming up.. need to get things sorted and sell things I don't need.. pack pack pack..

I'm hoping for at least a maintain on the scale... but even that isn't really mattering any more.. I feel great and I think I see some changes in my body shape.. so as long as I keep feeling good and watching what I eat and how much I move.. I can do no wrong..

Thanks for all the support and comments!

Sunday Weigh In!

Last week: 221
This week: 218

-3 lbs GONE!

And I think I can officially say I am OUT of the 220's!

I really really watched what I ate this week and stayed in my calorie range... I did not get to the gym once, however, and will be getting back into that tomorrow.

This past week has been busy... dealing with car issues.. getting ready for a concert.. and then singing through all these emotions!

Tonight is my concert... 7pm.. I'm taking it easy this morning.. going to go do some yoga... take a long shower... just take it easy! I'm really looking forward to the concert tonight.. the music is gorgeous and no matter what happens, its going to be great!

I'm sorry I haven't been around to comment and what not.. I'm finding after I spend the day infront of the computer at work, I really don't want to stare at it when I get home! I'll play catch up tomorrow!! I hope you all have a great rest of your weekend!

Sunday Weigh In!

DOWN 2.8 lbs
Current Weight: 219.6

I managed to turn my thoughts around, made some better choices in food and exercise...

I needed this loss after the past few weeks. I was definitely in a mini-depression.. mostly about $. I am extremely grateful to a bunch of friends who really stepped up to lend a hand and helped me realize that there is help if needed and I do not have to do this all on my own... that it is 'OK' to ask for (and receive) help.

Planned out my food for the week... yogurt w/granola and berries for breakfast... I may still do protein shakes in the afternoon.. grilled chicken sandwich w/avocado for lunch, with grapes.. and salad or veg and bean/turkey chili for dinner... I can never get sick of chili.. it's been a few weeks since that's been on my menu..

Things are looking up for this coming week...hitting the gym M-F. Will practice music after work then go to the gym.. then home for dinner. May be a later dinner then normal... like 7 or 8.. but I don't got to be until 11, so I think that's enough time to digest...

Just gotta keep doing what works.. I can't worry about the future.. I'll get there when I get there.. I need to stay focused on what is going good for me now... prepare as much for the future as I can.. but really.. just let it happen. I can't sit here today worry about what may happen in the future with my $ issues... with losing weight... with finding a good job... It made me just tailspin into depression, anger, and sadness.. all things that work against me and make me miserable.. which in turn stall any weight loss and emotional well-being efforts....

I hope you all had a good weekend and have a great week!

Tomorrow is a new day

Lot of ups and downs the past few weeks... WI is tomorrow and honestly, after this week, I do not expect a loss and would not be surprised by a gain.. especially after going out for dinner tonight.

I hung out with a really good friend today... and everything came bubbling out.... my financially situation...loosing John... not liking my job.. not sure where my life is going... if I've made the right decisions in career and life.. I just broke down and lost it...

I know things are going to turn around.. I just feel so stuck right now... I really need to remind myself of all the positive things going for me now.. Everything will fall into place... I just need to keep my options open and work on not getting stuck in the 'what if's'. What's done is done.. move forward.

weight loss wise... I could've worked out harder...could've made better choices... but I don't feel like I failed... I know there is room for improvement and I plan to make those improvements in this next month.

moving forward.. ya can't change the past...

WI results!

shock of all shocks... down 1.4lbs today.. and reached my week goal of 220 even!

I said a month ago that I wanted to reach 220 by the first full week of FEB... so I'm a few weeks off.. but at least I reached it IN Feb.

Goal for next week is to break into the teens... shooting for 218

I've been really lazy this weekend.. well not total sloth lazy.. but lazy enough. I did manage to get in my 'last chance workout' yesterday an put in an hour on the treadmill... the whole time i was walking I was thinking of new ideas for the summer program I teach at.. I should really carry a mini voice recorder to take down my thoughts... because when I get home, I don't write anything down..

I also did grocery shopping yesterday.. stuck to my budget.. $30 at Aldi's... and didn't have to go anywhere else. I do, however, need to get more protein powder.. I don't think it's going to last me all week... thank goodness walmart, as much as I hate that store, has $15 2lb jugs of protein powder... I find when I have 25% of calories from Protein a day.. I lose weight. Lately I've been eating around 50%carb, 25%Fat, 25% protein. The Zone diet is I guess similar to this.. maybe it's 40/30/30.. I love bread too much (and bananas) to get my carbs down to 40...

Lazy sunday today... going to the opera at 2 then having my splurge meal after. I've decided on chinese since I haven't had it in months and I've been craving mystery meat. Speaking of meat.. I've added it back into my diet... I'm not a real vegetarian, and I don't pretend to be.. while I do try to limit it... a girl can only have beans and tofu for so long! This weeks lunches will be chicken sandwiches w/grapes (mmmm!).. and I'm going to make a shepherds pie tomorrow night.

GOALS
1. drink that water.. it's helping!
2. stay in the moment.. no need to worry about what's to come.. cross that bridge when you get there.. especially when it comes to $/taxes.. those thoughts do not need to control your life/emotions/mental health!
3. Hit the gym at least 4 times if not 5.. you were a little slack last week
4. keep tracking on sparkpeople... keeping calories between 1750-1950

Have a great rest of the weekend!!

clarity through poetry

I happened across an Anais Nin quote...

Dreams are necessary to life.

and kept reading on through a list of her quotes and many spoke to me... but this next one really set me off...

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

I have spent SO long in a state of fear... and fear of many things.... but most recently it is fear of Money and my inability to have a healthy relationship with it. I speak mainly of debts and the looming federal and state tax bill I have to pay. This is not something I can change now.. it is something I have to come to accept and deal with. I made mistakes and now I have to pay the consequences..

but

I can NOT let this make me immobile to life and to living. This whole week I've been down and what these negative feelings and emotions all boil down to is my issue with $ right now. I feel good about everything thing else in my life... my weight loss efforts, my career efforts.. but money issues are really dragging me down.

NO MORE

I will not live my life in fear.. wether it be fear of money... of love.. of loss

I need to live my life to fullest NOW.. in the PRESENT.. not in the past or even the future..

There is no reason I can't start my day with a smile and a positive attitude.. NO REASON at ALL!

Time to snap out of what ever this funk is and get back to living my life... I know I'm feeling bound and helpless in Ithaca now... with no friends around.. a job that isn't putting me any closer to career goals... a financial situation that is unfortunate but fixable...

but I have goals in mind.. a future to fulfill and I cant pause my life until the ideal situations come along.... I need to stay in the moment and take life at its full value

Yes.. you owe a lot of money in taxes... you take full responsibility for it and will find a way to take care of it.. in the meantime.. you have been making excellent choices about how to spend and save money... all of your credit cards are no longer fully maxed out and you are paying them down... you have money left after paying bills to put aside...

Yes.. losing weight is HARD.. but look how far you have come in past 2 months... down 12lbs.. thats an average of 6lbs a month.. exactly where you need to be...losing weight at a good pace and making better choices every day. You have found ways to increase water, increase exercise and increase protein and have a blanced 'diet'.

yes... your job isn't ideal ... but it could be worse.... at least you work with relatively nice people and your job is, for the most part, a pretty easy job. You have learned new skills (billing) and enjoy helping others and seeing the station succeede. You also have a summer and possible fall of amazing opportunities with Ballibay... being able to really stretch your leardership 'wings' and build the music program up! Remember your feelings of pride and passion you have at Ballibay as you look for teaching jobs for the fall... your reasons for avoiding teaching public school music are outnumbered by the reasons you love teaching and spreading your love and passion for music.

I leave you with more Anais Nin quotes... I need to find out more about this author...

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

Common Myths about Happiness

Found a great article on sparkpeople today... just what I needed to hear as I am bogged down with negative thinking...

favorite part?...

The only constant you will have in your life is your relationship with
yourself. People will come and go, material possessions can be taken away or
lost, but you will always remain. And how you feel about yourself will make a
big difference in how you interpret your life.

Common Myths about Happiness

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Weigh In

Yes.. moved the day again.. but I want to relax for some of my weekend without thinking about food... so Sunday is my WI and 'one treat meal' day... I promise not to change it.... at least for a week... haha.. no really.. I want to keep it at this day for as long as I can..

anyways..

DOWN 2lbs!

Previous weight: 223.4
Current weight: 221.4

Scale is finally moving again!

I credit this to
1. Drinking more than 8 glasses of water on most days
2. really staying with in my calorie limits/tracking food
3. Exercising 5 days this week
4. Thinking positive about myself and weight loss.... allowing my body to let go of the fat


I really think my mini goal of being at 200 by June 1st is very attainable.. I just need to stay on track...stay focused and CONSISTENT.

Good/Bad

What a crazy crazy day today turned out to be. Let's re-cap.. starting with the bad

1. I get a call at work from my half brother - our grandma had passed away yesterday from a stroke. This makes me sad because I hadn't seen her since 2005. After my mom left my dad, his side of the family said some pretty nasty things about my mom and my sister and I haven't really spoke to that side of the family.. even after my mom and dad passed away. It's a rough, uncomfortable area of my life. I feel bad that my grandma died.. but after getting the call about your mom and then your dad passing.. what else is there left to say. My sister and I talked about that for awhile. We've went through so much grief at once that now other deaths don't seem as shocking (for lack of better term).. and not that I'm not sad that my grandma is gone.. she was old and all.. but I guess I can't process death the same way other's do.. I'm too used to it.. which is in a way good and I guess bad... because I am, in my mind, a pretty emotional accesible person.

2. Had a fight with a co-worker this morning... I'm completely done with this persons attitude at work and towards me. He thinks he's the best thing in the world and nothing (and no one else) matters.. It really pissed me off enough today to go to my boss about it. It's people like this jerk that make me not want to work there anymore.. I felt very under appreciated today.. and this guy also made me feel like an idiot and that I wasn't important... totally uncalled for and unacceptable. I think belittleing someone is one of the meanest things you can do...

3. I'm way tired and it's totally that Time of Month... which didn't help with the above (nothing like crying infront of your male boss...ha)

After all that.. somehow.. and surprisingly .. my day improved.

1. An old family friend stopped by the office... little did we both know that we actually work in the same building.. and on the same FLOOR. He is 3 offices down from the station.. totally crazy! It was really nice to reconnect with him and his family. They lived next to my family at our summer home... and had just found out about my parents this past week.. hence why they sought me out. He offered his condolences and any help if I need anything since they live 20 minutes from me. We made plans to do dinner when his daughter (a close friend growing up in the summer) to me comes home for Easter break. That was really nice!

2. Yesterday was a little crazy with some orders we had coming in.. I went out of my way for one of the sales guys... it wasn't really a difficult task.. but he came in this afternoon with a little box of chocolates to thank me for going "above and beyond yesterday".. and for Vday as well.. It was really sweet and totally unexpected. It's nice to know there are still nice guys in the world... His wife and kids are really lucky!

3. Even though I was tired.. and ALMOST bailed on the gym... I went anyways and somehow found the energy to run for 7 minutes (not consecutively.. but still).. I actually did a full 3 minutes at one point. I don't understand how I am able to do that when I'm PMS'y... and other days when I think Im ok... I just drag ass... Funny. But.. I was freaking proud of myself for really pushing myself. I had a mental dialogue of inspiration going through my head while running.. mostly "why do you want this" kind of stuff. So that was pretty neat!

So all my negatives balanced out with some positives today... which was super awesome! I'm really thinking of starting a gratitude journal... but for now I'm going to keep it here... I think it's nice to pay things forward and if someone reads this and smiles because of it.. that would be neat. This week is national 'Random Act of Kindness' week... which I love because my mom was SO pro- Random Act of Kindness and I thought it was fitting that it started the day of her would be 53rd Birthday (2/9).

Have a great weekend, everyone! I get to do taxes... and I think I'm finally going to have that meeting about making camp administration full time. I also noticed at the gym that they are doing an intro class to the weight class I want to take... at 1030 on sunday.. which I am totally going to check up.. just to see what it's all about!

Take a moment to think about what things made you grateful today!

Dont Cry over Spilled milk day!

saw this on Jen's blog (PriorFatGirl)... Love it!!!

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day
When : Always February 11th

Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk Day is in recognition that everyone spills a little milk now and then. It's a day to be optimistic, think positive, look on the bright side, and to find something good in everything that happens. As the song says: Don't Worry, be Happy!
Today is a day to recognize that s_ _ _ happens. And, when it does, Don't worry, or fret, or cry over it. Rather, take a positive attitude and fix it, or get past it.
We all know the concept of the question: Is the glass half full or half empty? The pessimist sees it as half empty. The optimist sees it as half full. It's all an attitude towards life.
You should participate in "Don't Cry over Spilled Milk Day" with an optimistic attitude and a smile on your face.!

and we're back!

I feel the forward momentum building.. FINALLY... had a few rough weeks but they are behind me now and I am moving forward... I feel good about my exercise plan... moving every day... taking sunday off... I'm getting practice time in and am feeling better about that every day... I even took a peek at the scale this morning and my weight is finally moving DOWN...

So glad to be back in land of positive thinking and forward motion...

some positive things

* I re-arranged my desk at work so no I can see the gorgeous view of the lake and will also hopefully have less glare on my monitor -- wich will also hopefully mean less headaches..

* I got in an hour of singing tonight.. my voice has such a strange, amazing new dark color to it..not sure that's the best color for Rutter.. but it will have to do!

* I at all my food today, drank 8 glasses of water, and even had room for some PB on toast..

* met my goal of 25% Fat/ 25% protein/ 50% carbs ... it's at this ratio I lose the best...

* Did the first day of the Couch 2 5K jogging program.. almost cried at the end of my last 1-minute jog because I was so freakin' happy I did the damn thing! It's so true when they say 'running can be euphoric'... I sure felt on top of the world!

* My car is running just fine now

* a friend who owes me $$ finally paid some of it back today.. now I can afford a lesson or two...

* I saw the most gorgeous sunset today.. deep pink and yummy.. reflected on the lake...

* Had a good talk with my roommate about a lot of things. We rarely talk, and I'm glad we are doing more of it.. I kind of shut everyone out this past fall..so I never really got to know her when i first moved in.. This was one of my goals for the year...

* I'm so blessed to have so many people in my life who are going through the same battle.. It's great to read all these blogs. PLUS.. I have a sparkgroup of some college peeps and we are keeping track of ourselves and eachother on that sparkpage.. so GREAT (Hey T!!)

* life is just good... going to work on keeping it that way with as few down moments as possible (but recognize that you can't eliminate the bad stuff completely!... how boring would that be?!)

it's a new day

Had a little bump in the road yesterday and life sure is throwing a lot challenges my way this week.. BUT.. after giving myself last night to mope and be sad about it all.. I am now ready to get back up and fight.

I will be making a list of reason why I am working on myself.. a list of all the positive things going my way... and while I acknowledge that I have challenges to deal with (don't we all).. I will not let those 'challenges' bring me down.

Yesterday's post(s) reminded me of my old self.. the girl who would give up and give in to things/people that were not good for her. I am not that person anymore and will not let all this good that I've accomplished just disappear becuase 'it's too hard'

positive thinking and moving forward

Sparkpeople Translation:

How many times has somebody told you to “think positively”? Easier said than done, right? But this truly can make a difference in your life. Focus on the good, and learn from the bad. You have the freedom and ability to choose your own attitude. What will you choose? Enthusiasm can carry you through a lot more than you think. Never just be satisfied with what you have, but keep working to achieve more. Set specific goals and work for them. After you have accomplished them, set new ones. Keep working to make yourself a better person.

Saturday WI results!

Down 1.8 lbs !!!
a total of 6 lbs gone since re-committing to weight loss on 12/13/08
3.8 of those are from when I started clean eating

Need to keep going.. stop worrying

I don't have to eat-clean perfect... I don't have to eat an exact amount of calories or burn an exact amount

I just have to DO


Moving forward and not looking back...

Thanks for all the positive comments coming in. It is really nice to know there are other's out there trying to do the same thing you are. I think blogging is a great way to remind yourself that you're not alone and there are many others there to help and support you. Thanks : )