one day at a time ... Relationships

This post has nothing to do with weight loss and should really belong in a personal journal but I started it and I'm hoping some of you ladies (or guys) can just tell me I'm doing the right thing here because My heart and mind are at war...
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I am on a downward spiral tonight.
I had to as the ex for a ride home from work since no one in the office was around to help me out. I regretted asking immediately. I have been SO strong with keeping him out of my life this past month. Granted - him being away on winter break helped. I was really able to just focus on me and It really did amazing things for me mentally, emotionally, and physically.

That all ended after a simple phone call.

I know I had no other options.. but I'm mad at myself for having to bring him back into my life. I'm sure he thinks that I must be ok with being friends with him because I asked for help. and that is SO far from the truth.

While walking out to his car after work I had to tell myself to be cold.. to not give in to anything... and it's not like he is a manipulative person..I still just miss him so freaking much.. I miss having someone to talk to and just be with. We tried to be friends after the break up in August.. and it worked for the most part. I can't just forget what we had though... I don't know how he can act like we never dated and that everything is ok. He doesnt understand how I can't just be friends.

God i was so cold in the car to him.. I HATE that.. I am not a cold person.. I loved this guy... I fucking MOVED back to Ithaca for him! I was ready to spend the rest of my life with him.. and I thought he was on the same page!

I think what bugs me the most is how we never really closed the relationship.. we just went into being friends (well.. after a month of not speaking). There is so much left between us that is unanswered.. I guess at least for me.

He ended it because he realized he didn't 'love me anymore'.... I'm sorry.. but we just spent the past year pretty darn happy.. talking about our futures together.. buying a house... we went to a wedding in July and he seemed perfectly happy. I moved back to Ithaca in August and 3 days later he tells me he doesnt love me and we should end things.

My whole world just crashed down around me.. He later tells me that he thinks we should never have gotten together in the first place.... So what.. this past year meant nothing?! "no" he says " it meant something at the time"... well obviously not if you thought we shouldnt have been together in the first place..

I want to know why the hell he wasted my time.. and what moment in time did he decide we shouldnt be together.. because frankly.. he seemed pretty fucking happy up until I moved back.

I still think to this day that he just didn't want to hurt me.. so he kept at it.. stringing me a long while he figured out his own feelings and (lack of) emotions. He's a coward and is afraid to commit and actually be in a relationship.

I dont know.. I just wish I knew why he ended it.. 'i dont love you anymore' just doesnt cut it for me.. its too broad.. I need specifics I guess.. I mean we've known eachother for 2 years... it's not like we didn't have things in common.. we were on the same page goal and career-wise... and up until he dumped me , I was under the impression that things were really great between us.

Boy was I wrong...

I still have moments of feeling like an idiot for loving him so much... and that just SUCKS. I have a lot of resentment towards him... while he didn't ask me to move back here for him.. he was happy that we would now be in the same city... we had been driving almost an hour to see eachother last year. And now I'm here.. alone and angry... and he wants to be friends and act like nothing happend... and still treat me how he treated me, and do the same things we did... when we were a couple... I just cant do it.

Tonight in the ride home he tried to make small talk.. asked me if I wanted to go do dinner.. and I just was not having it. I was as nice as I could be and just smiled and nodded. I had to really restrain myself from being the nice person I usually am just because I didnt want him to think I was ok with being around him.. because I'm not...I don't want him in my life anymore.. I'm tired of him and the situation.. I cant wait until the end of May when my lease is up and I can get the fuck out of Ithaca and move on with my life.

I hate being angry and I hate having to push people out of my life. When I have had so much loss.. all I want is to bring people in... and I though he was finally someone I could keep in my life and that we actually had a future

and now we dont.. and I can't even have him as a friend because even THAT is too hard

I'll be interested to see if he says anything about the way I acted in the car. Part of the old me wishes he would and realize what an idiot he is for letting me go. But then the real me says that even if he did say that, which he wont, because 'hello - he doesnt love you'.. why would you want to go back with someone who obviously has issues with romantic relationnships? (um.. because I'm lonely and miss having someone around...)

ugh.. I could keep going in circles about this. I havent fallen apart of him since before he left for break back in mid-december... after our last 'hanging out' which turned in to flirting on both our parts (which he started) and ended up with me thinking 'he must like me still if he flirting'.. so I went for the kiss.. which he returned but then he quickly blamed on the wine we had had.

I know I just need to focus on myself but it's hard because I'm lonely in Ithaca.. yes I have a bunch of friends who support me and are there for me.. but they arent physically here for me. It's just me in Ithaca.. and until the end of May, I'm going to have to really work on being ok with that.

omg.. i need to stop complaining....

no back-sliding!

I'm very tempted right now to ask the ex if he wants to go get some food... and by food I mean go to friendly's and eat tons of crap because that's what we used to do.

I'm actually sitting here, ready to forget all my past plans of action about eating as well as how I feel about him and our situation.

so I'm here to remind myself on where I am and WHY I do not want to revert back to my old self.

Yes.. I miss him terribly.. we were texting just now and I wouldn't come out and just ask him if he wanted to get food. One of my biggest issues with him and our past relationship was that I was always the one to initiate things.... I made the majority of the decision about what we do.. where we go.. and I am SICK of it. I promised myself when we parted a month ago (as friends... he was off on break from college and went home to Florida)... that I would give myself all my attention... That these next 4 months I am here in Ithaca.. that I would just FOCUS ON ME.. and If that meant we were no longer friends.. then that's what happens. I will not revert back to the old me just because I'm bored tonight.. or lonely ... and that's why I'm willing to sabotage myself and all the good changes I've made this past month while he was a way.

I need to really really stay strong on this... I decided a few weeks ago that unless he initiates hanging out.. then I will not be seeing him. I NEED this rule so I don't fall back into what I used to be. Yes.. It sucks that I have to conciously work at keeping someone out of my life for my health... but that's just it... If I can't be the best I am.. and be heathy in body AND MIND... then I can't have him in my life. And it's not that he is a horrible person.. that's part of my angst.. we do have fun hanging out and he is a genuinely nice, kind hearted, guy.. so it makes it hard for me to just push him away.

But my mental and physical health is priceless... I have done amazing things these past 4 weeks... Weigh loss is not just about losing pounds.. its about changing thoughts and ideas about food.. about exercise.. about relationships with food and people... EVERYTHING HAS TO CHANGE

This is hard for me because I don't like to ignore people or remove them from my life. A lot of that has to do with my fear of loss because of Losing my mom and dad 5 years ago. It's scary for me (and here come the tears.. so I know this is the reason... )

I don't like to let go of things.. whether it's people or food... Loss is hard for me to cope with and in the past I've tried to heal it with food as well as being in unhealthy, usually only sexual, relationships. They gave me a false sense of fulfilment...and made me feel like I wasn't alone when all they were really doing was masking my true feelings.

This past month has been huge on fixing these empty feelings. I have gained so much strength and positivity from accomplishing goals. I feel stronger from exercising ... stronger both physically but also mentally and emotionally. I have to be willing to let go of things/people that no longer help me to be this new, stronger, individual that I am becoming.

I LOVE how I am changing... I've been afraid to let this person out because it had always been easier NOT to think about it... CHANGE IS HARD.. and it was just easier to be fat and resigned to life and love. How sad is that?! I was fine with being mediocre and was just grateful to be loved.. even if I was loved by someone who only 'loved me' because I would sleep with them. My most recent ex, the one I speak of tonight.. loved me for more than just sex.. and he *did* help me realize I was worth more than just that... but he still wasnt quite what I wanted but I SETTLED because it was easier then pushing myself to be better and healthier.

I will not send another text back to him. If HE wants to initiate something.. I will consider it but know that deep down, I need to let go of him and just focus on myself. I have other support besides an ex that never truly loved me... I have friends in real life and here in blog land that support me and push me in the right ways... and want me to be the best I can be.

This is my time now... and no one elses...
This is my LIFE... and only I decided how it's run
My past does not define me... I define me

I'm going to go put all of todays food into sparkpeople to see where I am calorie wise... then make a healthy dinner... and then find something to take my mind of my past.. maybe I will catch up on this season of '24'.

and exhale... : )