clarity through poetry

I happened across an Anais Nin quote...

Dreams are necessary to life.

and kept reading on through a list of her quotes and many spoke to me... but this next one really set me off...

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death.

I have spent SO long in a state of fear... and fear of many things.... but most recently it is fear of Money and my inability to have a healthy relationship with it. I speak mainly of debts and the looming federal and state tax bill I have to pay. This is not something I can change now.. it is something I have to come to accept and deal with. I made mistakes and now I have to pay the consequences..

but

I can NOT let this make me immobile to life and to living. This whole week I've been down and what these negative feelings and emotions all boil down to is my issue with $ right now. I feel good about everything thing else in my life... my weight loss efforts, my career efforts.. but money issues are really dragging me down.

NO MORE

I will not live my life in fear.. wether it be fear of money... of love.. of loss

I need to live my life to fullest NOW.. in the PRESENT.. not in the past or even the future..

There is no reason I can't start my day with a smile and a positive attitude.. NO REASON at ALL!

Time to snap out of what ever this funk is and get back to living my life... I know I'm feeling bound and helpless in Ithaca now... with no friends around.. a job that isn't putting me any closer to career goals... a financial situation that is unfortunate but fixable...

but I have goals in mind.. a future to fulfill and I cant pause my life until the ideal situations come along.... I need to stay in the moment and take life at its full value

Yes.. you owe a lot of money in taxes... you take full responsibility for it and will find a way to take care of it.. in the meantime.. you have been making excellent choices about how to spend and save money... all of your credit cards are no longer fully maxed out and you are paying them down... you have money left after paying bills to put aside...

Yes.. losing weight is HARD.. but look how far you have come in past 2 months... down 12lbs.. thats an average of 6lbs a month.. exactly where you need to be...losing weight at a good pace and making better choices every day. You have found ways to increase water, increase exercise and increase protein and have a blanced 'diet'.

yes... your job isn't ideal ... but it could be worse.... at least you work with relatively nice people and your job is, for the most part, a pretty easy job. You have learned new skills (billing) and enjoy helping others and seeing the station succeede. You also have a summer and possible fall of amazing opportunities with Ballibay... being able to really stretch your leardership 'wings' and build the music program up! Remember your feelings of pride and passion you have at Ballibay as you look for teaching jobs for the fall... your reasons for avoiding teaching public school music are outnumbered by the reasons you love teaching and spreading your love and passion for music.

I leave you with more Anais Nin quotes... I need to find out more about this author...

Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage.

And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.

How wrong it is for a woman to expect the man to build the world she wants, rather than to create it herself.

Each friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.

Inspiration...

I'm a week behind on the Biggest Loser because I do not have cable.. so i watch it online. I had to watch week two's episode twice because I felt so inspired by it and so much of what was said by the contestants and trainers just resonated so strongly with me.

You can watch this episode HERE on nbc.. it will be there until Jan. 28th

I do enjoy this show but does anyone else feel like this show has become way too scripted and is also using way too much product placement. I also hope that they have therapists on hand because that girl Joelle really needs to figure things out. I felt bad that Bob yelled at her... but.. she wasn't pushing herself.. and she was all talk... and as yoda says..

'Do or do not.. there is NO TRY'

I constantly work on eliminating that word from my vocabulary.. It's one of the top 5 things that keep me from being the best person I can be.


The following are not my words... they are the words of the contestants and trainers of the Biggest Loser 7 - week 2

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"The hardest part is accountability .. it (weight loss) is up to me…no one else is going to do this for me"

Bob and Joelle's first talk: (these are all Bob's words below....)

The workouts are a component.. but you also need to focus on you.. getting you out of your comfort zone.

Are all your prayers going to be answered once you lose 100lbs?

What do you need to forgive… todays the day you need to forgiveyourself

Anytime you start feelin that fear..
welcome it..
hands up ..
eyes open..
'I welcome this'

Don’t give all that fear that power
It’s time for you to start seeing what you are capable of
You will come out of this victorious
I believe in you
You believe in you
And there’s no failure in that
(Bob on being afraid to Fail)

‘its not that you need someone to push you… YOU need to push YOU’

daughter: You sound different
Mom: I am… I’m becoming a different person And it FEELS GREAT

Dan runs for 7mph:
‘to feel my body moving that fast for the first time in a long time was a great feeling
It was terrifying
But it was a great great feeling to push myself like that'

Trust the process… change forever
~ Bob