feeling kind of crazy

I had just microwaved my soup here at work and one of the sales guys asked where a good place to get delivery from was..

I said.. OH! Theres this pizza place.. lets order something together! So we look at the menu and I even said outloud "i know i should eat my soup but this is emotional eating at its finest..'

Right before we called.. I snapped out of it and said that I should probably just eat my soup... so he just got something for him self

HOW CRAZY IS THAT! To have brought my lunch and just heated it up.. and just switch like that to not caring and eating for emotional reasons... it's nuts!

I feel very proud of myself for not going through with it.. but isn't it interesting how so easily we sabotage ourselves.. and knowingly!

I had to call the ex to get a ride home from work tonight... I really hated making that call...I don't know how I'm going to handle myself.. I feel very vulnerable right now.. I'm stressed about my car and work and I want nothing more than to be able to hang out and have fun... but I don't think we can be friends after ending our relationship.. ugh.. I hate this..This is just proof that I need to keep him out of my life.... that just calling him for a ride causes so much angst and upheaval of emotions...

I really want to eat crappy food right now.. i wish I had gone in on pizza for lunch.. i feel pathetic eating soup..

change is hard...

this is a heavy weight...

I'm realy struggling tonight. I had a stressful day at work with meetings and trying to catch up on yesterday work that I missed because of training at another radio station. Plus the vibe at work is very negative.. a lot of angry people and back talk/gossip that I am really trying to stay out of.

I'm also still stuck in the auto finance mess. Day 2 of working with the Hyundai dealer (this after getting treated bad and then not financed at Nissan).. still no banks stepping up to help me. I can't blame them.. My credit isn't the best.. I have a ton of student loan debt... I'm barely making enough to survive and have only been at this job for 2 months anyways. Hyundai called today to let me know they are not having luck and if I had any luck finding of cosigner. Ofcourse I havent... since I wont ask anyone.. I'm not putting what little relationships I have in jeopardy. And it's not that I think I will default. I have been successfully paying a monthly payment on this car loan I have now for the past 3 years.

I emailed my uncle.. my late mothers brother.. just for advice on where to go now. I said flat out that I was not asking him and his wife to cosign for me.. but that I just needed an adult opinion (and while I didn't state the obvious to them)... an opinion because I have no mother or father or really any adult figures to go to.

I ofcourse broke down for the first time in 09 about missing my mom and dad.. and being angry that they aren't around to help me with this (not blaming them).. and now I'm just really really sad.. which I don't like becuase I have been really really happy and positive up until the past few days.

I went to the gym today.. but only walked for 30 minutes... I think my shoes are too small as the back of my heal now has blisters. I don't have $ for new shoes.. so I need to dig through my closet.. I think I have a pair of new balance in there that I haven't used much.

Since I only did 30 minutes.. I decided to talk to a personal trainer.. just to show me what machines I should use to get started on a basic weight routine. I gave me new confidence in personal trainers. He was not pushy, he understood my fears and concerns and told me flat out that there was no reason to use half the machines in the building... to just focus on the basics and don't be afraid of other people watching you. He agreed with my saying that because I'm doing walking and jogging, that going nuts with lower body machines isn't necessary. He strongly suggested just doing squats with my body weight.. maybe touch on the leg curl/extension and the leg ad/abduction machines. As for upper body.. chest press, row, and pull down... free weights for biceps/triceps. As for abs.. I mentioned I had done pilates and yoga in the past and may stick to that for my core strengthening. He 100% agreed, saying that doing crunches is only good for helping you do more crunches and that pilates/yoga are what you need to do to strengthen the core.

I felt a lot better after just talking with him. I've used all these machines before but just wanted confirmation on what I should do to get started and focus on the main muscle groups. As I progress and feel the need to get more serious about weight training, i will ofcourse get a more specifc program in place.

I have decided to do this after my cardio. This means I may need to make cardio for 30 minutes unless I want to spend an hour and a half at the gym.. and that all depends on if I can get out of work at 5 or not. I did ask my boss if I could leave at 5 instead of 530 since I am not going out to lunch and only taking about 20 minutes of my hour break to eat.. and that at my desk doing work! He agreed to give it a try.. so M/W/F I am allowed to leave at 5 if I am all caught up and nothing else is pressing.

And, once again, I feel much calmer after taking the time to write this all out. I swear blogging is the cheapest therapy invented.

Off to fold laundry and go to bed. I pray my mind will shut up tonight so I can sleep.