Climbing Mountains...

Wen't for a hike which turned into a mountain climb on Saturday! I was very proud of myself. I kept pushing myself to keep going once we got to the climbing part. It was a very strenuous hike.. but I managed to jog down parts of the hill on the way back.. it felt good to run and be active. My hips, quads, calves and ass hurt today.. but it's worth it. I never would have gone on a hike like this on my own... but I had my girls with me and we all kicked ass on this hike!

My eating/drinking was a ton more controlled than last weekend. I still ate poor.. but we all decided that after our hike (which, btw, probably burned 1800 calories.. it was a 3 hour climb!) we could probably afford to eat what we wanted Saturday night.. SO I opted for the chicken parm sub (chicken parm is my weakness, fo sho). I only had one drink that night... a way too strong (and crappy gin) gin and tonic...

I think I am retaining water.. and I know I did NOT drink enough this weekend to make up for the hike.. and my muscles are feeling it still.. stepped on the scale this morning and it was 228... a full 6lbs over what i was last monday.

I'm not going to stress on that because really, It probably is dehydration/muscle/water retention related.. and I climbed a mountain.. so I really can't be bothered by the scale when I had other ways to measure my progress... Like.. How I wasn't as tired/winded by the hike as I used to be.. so.. I'm not worrying. I'll just get a lot of water in today.. and get groceries tonight to keep myself on track this week.

Gorgeous day today.. supposed to be 90. 90?!!! In APRIL?! I'll take it.. but man my allergies are intense today.. tree's are starting to bloom!

I'm done....

...with being so freakin FAT and UNHAPPY!!!

I just got done watching the biggest loser (from 2 weeks ago.. let's not forget I do not have cable and am behind by a week.. but grateful for Hulu.com!!)

that show ALWAYS get's me re-motivated. If there was one season I would want to buy on DVD to re-watch for motivation.. it would TOTALLY be this one.. and I think almost everyone has had some really great moments. I especially love Kristin and how well spoken she is...and both trainers have had some really great quotes. It's a nice departure from the previous seasons bitch fest with Viki and Heba.. I actually feel motivated by this current season.. and that's nice.

Anyways.. So I was looking through my photo albums on Face Book and it just really hit home for some reason that I am freaking FAT in all my pictures. Sure, there are some pictures that I can be proud of.. where I look half way descent.. but really... the majority I just look really fat and 'fake happy'... ya know.. the smiles there but its not real because deep down inside you are so miserable with your life and circumstances.

I'm so over being Fat... and ya know what .. screw the fat acceptance crap.. If I could love myself for who I am right now... I would.. but I can't... I can't look at a picture of my fat-ness and not be sad and angry.. How have I let myself live for the past 20+ years like this... HOW?!! I am not settling for this life... I REFUSE to let myself live another 20 years.. hell.. another 20 MONTHS like this... I am miserable and I can see it my face in these pictures and feel it in my heart and soul NOW.

enough is enough

No more 'trying' to lose weight and be healthy...

You don't see people on BL half-assing it... They are working hard and crossing lines every day to get where they are. And I know that the weight loss aspect of BL is unrealistic... but the hard work and determination isn't... So I am going to FIGHT for this...

I'm going to FIGHT to...
be HAPPY
be HEALTHY
be STRONG
be CONFIDENT
be SEXY
be the ME I KNOW I AM

There is no time limit for this because this is a LIFE CHANGE.. I want to transform into a new person.. and new, better me... and If that takes a year or two.. then it does.... but I'm not going to settle for 1 -2 lbs a month... I KNOW my body can do better than that. And I'm not going to give in to crap food and drink and pretend its OK to do that to my body. That's how I got where I am.. by just giving in to poor choices and habits and Hoping that the next day I will do better..

well.. It's my choice.. and I chose to FIGHT..

BIG Note to Self....

OK.. you knew EXACTLY what you were doing.

since the last weigh in on 4/12 .. you have gone UP 4.5lbs... 4.5!!!!!!!!

You seriously lost it and gave in just because friends were visiting... lots of Margaritas.. TOO much food.. and then.. once they left.. you KEPT eating like crap!! You bough pizza, OREOS, and chips... and managed to finish off the chips and oreos all by yourself over the weekend. Not to mention the non-diet soda you drank.. and the lack of Exercise. You even gave up keeping track on spark people..

So is this what's going to happen when you are with other people.. you are just going to throw caution to the wind... is the food/drink really going to make the situation that much more fun?

Food and drink does not "make" a situation.. think about how crappy you felt... how tired and pathetic... how the sugar from the oreos made you feel sick.. how your digestive system went off..

This is not good for you. It is YOUR choice to eat the way you eat.. if you do this again this coming weekend you WILL be up in the upper 220's.... and remember how hard it was for you to get below 220? And how happy you were to finally be getting closer to the 210 mark.. and now you have to work that all off again.. and for what? For oreos and chips?

It's time to cut that crappy food out of your life.. it does NOTHING for you... stick to clean foods... if you are going to drink... stick to 1 glass of wine ... you don't need to have 3 margaritas per meal.. seriously..

GOALS for the WEEK
1. you have salad fixings for the lunches... and even though your boss is taking you out for lunch wed - you will still get a salad.. Meals are planned for the week - it's ok if its repetative.. at least you know you are staying with in your calorie range

2. You Will go to the gym M- TH.. Cardio M/W - a nice hour walk with inclines and Body Pump class T/TH.

3. Even though you will be w/ friends this weekend you will not lose control.. You have worked too hard to let the scale keep creeping up.. you already have 4.5lbs to get back off.. you don't need to add to it. Be happy that you are with your friends.. this does not require eating like crap!!

pre-meditated binge eating...

Do you ever do this...

You know you have a dinner or event comming up so you just give in a eat like crap before it even happens becuase, hey... you're gonna eat more crap latter anyways.. so what the hey!

I have friends coming up tonight until Sat. It's already been planned that there will be at least one, if not two, trips to the mexican restaurant... and margaritas are not optional.

I already have it in mind that that I will have a margarita.. chips and guacamole..

how crazy is it to plan your binge.. wtf?!!!

I'm also draggin' ass today.. damn period.. I am just exhausted today.. and making poor POOR choices because of it..

Didn't get up in time to make my lunch... so I have to buy today... then I was out buying femine products and ended up buying some reses pb cups because I had been thinking about them all week.. and buying chocolate was ok because I knew that I was going to go out and eat tonight..so.. might as well go all out today..

I don't know where I am going with this post...
I just hope I don't do too much damage.. these next few weeks are kind of nuts... going away next weekend to see some college friends.. really hope that doesn't turn into a binge fest of crap food and drink.. then the weekend after that is my dad's estate auction... and this week and next I have had to miss gym times because I'm selling a bunch of my stuff on craigslist..so I have to wait around for people..

I'm feeling very out of sorts and not focused at all.. I'm totally praying for a maintain for this sundays WI but would not be surprised by a gain...

probably wont be posting until Sun... so.. I hope you all have a good rest of your week and a great weekend!

Sunday Weigh In

Last week: 218.5
This week: 217.5

DOWN 1 lbs

Dude... I'll that that! I did really well from Wed. til last night... stayed within my calorie range and worked my butt off.. Doing this weight class has really inspired me to push my self during my cardio.. so I am hoping to up that some this coming week as well.

Taking it easy today as it is easter sunday.. and my day off.. so have a great day everyone!

the weight is lifted... in more than one way...

I've been working on my taxes for the past 2 days. I usually do not wait this long but I was under the impression that I would be owing Fed and NYS taxes. After talking to a collegue at work who used to do tax prep, I find that the IRA disburtment I made did not have to be taxed in full.. only the amount that I gained was to be taxed (the the amount I contributed).. SO.. I'm ok.. I do not owe any money to the Fed or State.. and I get back $800+...so that just lifted a HUGE weight of my shoulders and I notice it already.. I'm happy and not as stressed about the future and now have some money to set aside for travel this spring and summer.

in other weight news...

Body pump class today... I really pushed myself.. didn't give in or make excuses. I feel it already.. but I am so SO proud of myself!! I had a Gillian/Biggest Loser moment... It was the 3 round of the bicep set and I was about to cry it was getting so hard.. but I pushed myself through and man.. The power/energy I feel after that class is amazing.. I love the instructor on Friday eve.. she say's all the right things and has a great attitude. The tuesday class is ok - I don't feel as motivated to push myself tho.. but I will still go... want to get at least 2 classes in a week.

Crazy crazy few weeks coming up.. need to get things sorted and sell things I don't need.. pack pack pack..

I'm hoping for at least a maintain on the scale... but even that isn't really mattering any more.. I feel great and I think I see some changes in my body shape.. so as long as I keep feeling good and watching what I eat and how much I move.. I can do no wrong..

Thanks for all the support and comments!

note to self..

That hour long walk felt great..and you burned 375 calories and worked up a good sweat.. something to be PROUD of... now let's keep that up and turn things around...Body Pump class tomorrow.. sensible eating over the weekend please..

also.. stop worrying about getting below 200 by a certain date.. when it happens, it happens.. just focus on making good food choices and moving more ONE DAY AT A TIME

Everything is going to work out in the end.. you will get through this stressy, upheaval of life time... promise... you've gone through TONS worse.. this is do-able.