Major Life decisions...

and not weight related...

I'm sitting here at work.. bored as usual because, really, this job could totally be part time but I'm not complaining.. at least I get paid full time though most of my time is spent bored, farting around on the computer...

I'm trying to decide what to do with my life... I'm kinda in a position where I could go and do anything.. but I'm not quite sure WHAT that is yet..

1. Go back to teaching public school music: I still really *do* want to work with children.. and I still want to be involved with music.. but I have let my teaching certification for New York State expire.. I can renew it, so that's not really an issue.. I think back to when I was teaching last year.. and I loved teaching 3rd grade through 6th.. If I could find an elem. job teaching 2-5th or 6th.. that would be great. I love being around he little ones because they are so non-judgemental and of course the hugs are a great perk.. I was *happy* teaching that age range. When I think back to when I was teaching MS/HS.. It was a struggle.. BUT.. i was in a district that had low support for music..and very apathetic students.. I'm not sold on teaching choir at those levels either.. It's been so long since I've been in a choral situation that I feel very nervous about it.. I guess I just feel rusty when It comes to teaching at that level. The plus side of that level, however, is getting to work on solo work with students... something I *love* to do.. so It's a toss up on where I want to be.. and also what STATE I want to be in...

2. which brings me to #2... WHERE to live. I really want to be either in a city or at least near one. I want singing ops and culture.. I'm done with living in upstate NY... I'm considering the long island area because I have a ton of friends down there... the Baltimore/DC area.. because I have friends there AND there is a University I would love to go to to work on my DMA... which I still want to look into even though I'm feeling out of sorts with singing (see #3). Then there is Portland Oregon.. where my twin sister is... THAT is a huge life change.. moving across the country, away from all of my friends and the life I have known.. but I get to be with my sister.. who I miss TERRIBLY.. we haven't seen each other in a year.. but I am afraid to leave everything else behind..

3. Singing... last nights concert was good... but I had a real hard time saying one positive thing about the experience as I was driving home.. I am so SO hard on myself.. I beat myself up about my voice and how I performed more than I ever have about being fat.. in fact.. I don't really beat myself up about anything.. except for singing. I don't know how that was ingrained in me.. I never had pushy teachers or parents.. I just brought it on myself.. something I really REALLY need to work on.. because If I cant enjoy singing.. then what's the point? Why put myself through this mental torture every time I go to sing?

4. I have the option to make my summer camp job a full time, year round, camp job. But It means I'd have to live in middle-of-nowhere PA.. at the camp.. year round. I find it appealing sometimes.. I mean.. I get free housing, a food budget, free utilities, and a salary of at least $30K a year.. and I think I would be able to pay all my bills and students loans with that... but it's not really music related.. I wouldn't be teaching.. Id be doing office work.. and while I could probably set up my own teaching studio out of house.. it isn't a great area for finding students... My weak self just wants to give up on everything and just take the camp job full time/year round... then I don't have to worry about anything... but that feels like such a cop-out... but I also know the owner of the camp is really hoping I do take the job as it would free up more of his time.. and I do love working there.. tough call on that one..

5. I guess most of this is all waiting to see what happens with my parents estates come May. It always comes down to $.. where can I afford to move to.. can I even afford to move.. in that case then working at camp might have to be what I do.. I hate that I just cant give a definite YES to one thing.. my mind is wandering in too many areas and I'm not 100% sold on any of them and I hate that.. I want some direction and I want it now.. and I want to not be such an emotional wreck.. I know it's my choice to be happy or not.. but what is it so hard for me to stick with it. My voice teacher said that or situations start to become habits.. I keep crying in my lessons when I get frustrated.. it's a habit and I need to deal with it and break it.. just like this uncertainty and my victim mentality is a habit.. I've been swimming in it since my parents both passed away 5 years ago.. it's so ingrained in me and It's going to take a massive emotional and mental change to get over it... and that change is SCARY.. I keep saying I want to be happier, do yoga, meditation, gratitude journals.. all these things.. but I never step up to it.. I'm afraid to be this happy person and it's frustrating that I keep myself in this dark place... I have a few times to refer back to when I was actually happy and productive.. so I know it can be done.. I just need to take the risk to change and be a better person

I know I need to change.. and I have some huge life changing situations to deal with.. how to find direction though?! Luckily it's Spring.. time for renewal.. cleaning out all the clutter.. I just need to actually DO it this time.. I do deserve the life that I have in mind ... it's time.