What I have come to learn...

I've been focusing on my eating/health/weight/movement since mid December 08.
I spent a lot of time doing nothing this week but also thinking about this journey I am on.
I need to get out of this downward spiral I have ALLOWED myself to go into..
I went off on myself and life a few posts ago.. and I was very very angry at myself and my situation in life. It really wasn't directed to my weight loss efforts.. but It really should've been as this weekend was rough weight/eating wise.

I sabotaged myself severely this weekend. I had had it in my mind to re-vamp my eating plan come Monday (today)... so all weekend I ate like crap.. I had pizza both saturday and sunday night.. and last night a whole bag of chips. I told myself a few different things about this eating I was doing:

1. You are going to re-committ to a clean(er) eating plan on Monday.. salads for lunch.. less processed foods.. no added sugar.. So.. eating this pizza is ok
2. You did a crazy body pump (strength training) class Friday night (and boy did my body HURT saturday and sunday.. I can still feel it in the front of my thighs).. so its OK if you go easy on yourself this weekend
3. You feel empty and lost..and you don't know what you want.. so here.. let's eat this whole bag of chips.. and have another pizza for dinner.. f&ck it all.. just stuff yourself..

It was excuse after excuse..
I'm tired of half-assing my life.. seriously
Not only did I sabotage my weight loss.. but I really did a number on my self-wroth and self-esteem.. which is pretty low anyways..

I don't get what Im so afraid of.. and I know it's fear. What is holding me back from really being ME 100%? I've had moments where I am honestly happy with myself and my life...so I know these feelings.. why is it so hard to access them now? As for being thin... I have never been.. so that's harder for me to know.

I think it's that I am afraid of letting go of this life I have known for the past 28 years.. of CHANGING and being who I really am.

I don't want to stay in this state of non-change, of being passive, of being depressed, of not caring about myself and in turn others, This isn't who I am and who I am meant to be.

So today I decide to stop wallowing in this black mess.. no more excusses.. no more lying to myself, or sabotaging my self ... It's not doing me any good and I will never reach one single goal of mine if I keep doing what I am doing now

so SNAP out of it Melissa...
WAKE UP
and LIVE your life

and stop making EXCUSES because you are AFRAID

You have a safety net in friends and family that are they to help if need be

As for your career.. yes.. it's scary not knowing where/if you will find a teaching job.. but you will find something.. and you will find a way to move and take care of things...

Everything is going to be ok...