Week 1 WI

I really want this person back... The one who climbs mountains, cared about what she ate, liked to exercise and was LOSING WEIGHT....

Week one.... 252lbs. Weighing in on Mondays mornings.

failing miserably at eating clean... but am not giving up. I'm in a really bad funk. A "what is it all about/why am I here/what is my purpose" kind of lethargic funk. I don't like it.

I even had the thought last night that 'whats the point of losing weight,... I'm just going to gain it all back plus some'

It's really sad.

I'm thinking I might be dealing with some nasty depression and am tempted to go to the DR's about it. But I also think that If I just start working out again, the exercise endorphins will kick in and I'll remember what happy is. I just can't get myself to do it!

I need to stop thinking about it from the negative side... that I've gained 30+ pounds back and am at my highest weight ever. I've lost weight before, and I've felt GOOD about myself before.. I know this feeling of being defeated and lost will go away but I need to put in some effort for that to happen!

on a side note... I'm watching Biggest Loser right now and I am not liking it. I feel like its very type cast.. same stories... I don't know.. not feelin it!

finding motivation

I'm having a real hard time getting back into the weighloss game. I don't if it's because I'm scared or just really don't care anymore (which should scare me in itself!). I'm re-reading through the Eat Clean book, I went and bought veggies, fruits and other groceries to get me back on healthy eating. I made my lunch for tomorrow, planned my day food wise.

I just can't get excited about it! It's annoying. I think part of it might be my living situation. I moved to a new apartment right before winter break and never had a chance to unpack everything so I feel very dis-organized and out of sorts. My plan this week is to check out Golds Gym, see what its all about, and then get everything unpacked this week. Ill start the gym this coming weekend only if I have unpacked everything and got my apartment in order. I've got the food part going for me and I know what I need to do... I just need to get excited about it!

weight in review

Looking back at my old posts I see that I CAN lose weight. I've noticed patterns (emotional eating anyone?!) and have a clearer idea of what I need to do to get back on track.

What amazes me the most is how I let myself go when I am in chaotic or un-structured situations. I've realized I need to be in control of situations. I don't think of myself as a 'control freak', but when I'm not in control I kind of just give up and in and that's when I stop caring and get lazy.

Case-in-point : transitions! I've moved (again) and have started a new job! I stayed with my friend K for 3 months until I had enough $ to get my own apartment. I did not eat well at ALL at her place. She isn't the healthiest eater, but I can't blame her. I could have bought healthier foods but I didn't and got in the 'well she eats like this, I guess i can too'.

I don't know why I feel I need to put myself in a bubble to be able to make my life work. Now that I have my own place I can stock it with healthy foods and control when and what I eat. I can join the gym and go after work.

Anyways.. looking back at my blog and weigh-in totals It shocks me to see that my lowest was 222 at the end of April. In may I started the process of packing up all my stuff into storage and in June I moved down to PA for the summer. I know I stopped eating well and exercising less come May. Too stressed and got out of sync with my schedule. I then did a mini-vacation with my sister in June and we ate at all our old childhood haunts and made bad food choices (and did a lot of DRIVING). Mid June to Mid August was summer camp. I thought I would be able to get back on track since we overhauled our food service at camp and went all organic/natural/local but I still managed to eat TOO much food. It was better for me.. but still I over-ate. I also got in a bad habit of having soda and candy when I had to work late in the office. I went for maybe 2 walks all summer. Granted, I walked a ton at camp, but I still gained weight for sure.

Mid August - mid september I was still in PA trying to find a teaching job. I was stressed and continued to make poor choices. I could have easily got up in the morning and gone out for a walk in the country-side, but I didn't. I finally found a job and moved to a friends house from Mid sept to early December. I've already mentioned that situation.

Here I am in Portland oregon visiting my sister and again, havent made good choices. It's been a lot of carbs, candy, and cola... not a good mix.

According to my sisters scale (255).. I have put on 33 pounds since May... 33lbs in 8 months!!!

My goal is to get to 199 by August 25th, my 30th Birthday. Thats a loss of 56lbs in 8 months.

If i can gain 30+ in 8 months... can I LOSE 50+ in 8 months?

Time will tell.

I getting more and more energized and inspired to get back on track.

I'll make another post soon about my 'goals'... more like rules to live by for life..

sorry for the really long post! If you are still reading... thanks!

Getting back on track...

It sees like every year I set the same goal: LOSE WEIGHT. This past year was no different. I had my ups and downs. I finally found an eating plan that works .... as long as I stick to it. I lost weight and then gained it all back plus some. As I write this, I am at my highest weight EVER. According to my sisters cheap little scale.. I am at 255.. but I will check on my scale when I get back to NY on Jan 2nd.

I know that I can lose weight. I've done it before. When I think about why I got back up to this all-time high.. a few things come to mind like being at a summer camp and throwing my good food habits to the wind... being jobless and stressed for over a month after camp... finally finding a job, living with friends, and then moving.

I finally have my own place and can stock my pantry and fridge with GOOD food. However, I am out in Portland Oregon with my sister for winter break and we have not been eating healthy. I bought a box of clementines and havent had a single one yet.

I need to get excited about being healthy again. There was a time where I was happy to eat well and go to the gym! My body is so tired and achey it's not even funny. My legs feel like stuffed sausage and I currently have no visible neck if Im sitting down. My back and feet hurt worse than ever and just the thought of walking on a treadmill for even 20 minutes makes me shudder.

I'm going to keep gaining weight and feeling worse if I keep it up. I know I need to turn things around and I know I will.

I would really like to be under 200 by my 30th birthday on August 25th. I think that is a reasonable goal. I also want to do a walk/run 5k this spring and then one in the fall so I keep myself on track at camp in the summer. Then in january 2011, T and I have talked about doing the disney marathon. So I def. have long term goals.

this all seems so daunting and I cant believe I got back up to this weight. I have only myself to blame. It's my choice to eat poor and not move. I can get back into it. I have to. If I don't, it's just going to get worse.

I'm going to read through my old posts and get re-inspired. My goal is to write daily again. If you have stuck around from last spring when I was really blogging a lot, thank you. I look forward to getting back on track and getting inspired by you all!

2010 is the year I finally do this... and I mean it this time!!!

Hey oh!

Still here! Going through a lot of transition now... new job.. new town...new everything... Lot's to update on and I will once I get a little more settled and have a moment to write!

Following Biggest Loser again... I can't say it enough.. but this show is so freakin' MOTIVATIONAL and INSPIRING. Love it!

I hope you all are doing well and had a great summer. I have a great feeling about the Fall and future.. Things are looking up all around!

Still around!!

Hey all!
Sorry for the radio silence this summer. Working at a summer camp really leaves you with no time for blogging! I was busy music directing two musicals ( 'Beauty and the Beast' and 'Peter Pan'), teaching voice lessons, violin lessons and doing a gazillion other things this summer!

We are camper-less now, which is nice, but we still have a lot of things to wrap up... cleaning and storing things for the winter... going through lost and found and just wrapping things up! I am here at camp until I get a teaching job. I was offered a job down in DC last week but it turned out to be a bit to urban, way long hours and not enough pay... plus I think they've gone behind my back and hired someone else since I said I couldn't say 'yes' yet... thats ok BECAUSE.... I just booked an interview for a job in Newburgh, NY. It hasn't even been posted yet but because I sent in my application for a different job in their district, and I have been bugging the crap out of the head of the music dept., I am now going through the screening process for the job of "Creative Academic Support" teacher.

In short.. it's what I've been doing here at camp for the past 5 summers... music directing for the musicals! Newburgh has a performing arts magnet elementary school and I think that's the school that this job is for. It's supposedly a full time, tenure track, elementary position. I would not be teaching general music classes or chorus.. just musicals and ( I'm hoping) some voice lessons.

I think it's funny how this all came about. I was very hesitant to accompany the musicals at camp this summer.. did fine with both but REALLY had a blast doing 'Peter Pan'. The owner of camp can't stop complimenting me on how well I am playing now. And the kids sounded great too.. so I know I am doing something right. I had originally applied for a job in the elementary school at Newburgh as a general music/strings teacher, but after some restructuring of teachers.. this Support position is now open.. and not posted yet. I had a great phone chat with the director and I'm really looking forward to my interview. It's next tuesday, 8/25 (my 29th birthday! Gah!!) at 2pm. Positive thoughts/prayers please!

Eating/exercising was rough this summer.. but that's another post. Once my life settles in a few weeks, I will be getting back on that wagon and lose this weight for GOOD! I hope you all are having a great summer!

Mel

still here

I'm still around.. just in a little transition.. and now on vacay with my twin! We are road tripping for a few days and eating has been pretty bad.. pizza, chinese food, chips, soda... but.. once she heads back to Oregon next wed, I will get myself back on track AND back to working out. I have found the least hill-y road to start my 5K training on and am looking forward to that! Our organic chef comes next weekend.. and it will be nice to have some good, home cooked, organic/natural food options. I would really love to drop 20lbs by my friend Melissa's wedding AUgust 8th. It may be a stretch but at least I've got something in mind for a goal.

I have her wedding shower to go to next weekend.. so food will be a little poor until probably Mid-June.. I hope everyone is doing well!